Hi Janke, Just logged on and read your story. I'm so with you in your struggle. I am 51 years old and have been married a shocking 31 years on the hope that things would improve. They don't. No matter what I have ever tried (and I know I have done EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE to make this thing work). In the end, I realize I could literally have died from trying. In the past year, I have given up. I have a 15 year old son at home and have hoped I could muster enough stamina and hope to endure for two more years until he graduates, however it isn't to be. A year ago I began to pray that God would remove from me whatever it is that has kept me from leaving this marriage.Tomorrow my husband and I are scheduled to go to our first mediation session. I actually am convinced he isn't someone I should try to do mediation with, (he's way passive aggressive) and I don't believe I can trust him at all...however I have agreed to at least this session. My stomach has been in knots for days in anticipation of beginning this thing. In the past I actually took that to mean I wasn't supposed to end my marriage. I have been so beaten down in this relationship that I didn't believe I could make it out there. I couldn't bear the idea that I would break up my family. (We also have a 26 year old son.) The stress of this marriage has cost me my health, my self respect, and literally my ability to function around my husband. He has spent years undermining my parenting decisions, my efforts at financial stability, and my efforts to move forward in my life. He is a miserable man who never could communicate in a healthy direct way AND FOR YEARS HE WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE ME THAT IT WAS MY FAULT! He is a martyr, and has convinced himself that I am lucky he's in my life. While he has been a good provider, he has never been able to manage the good money he makes. Little by little through the years I got in school and stayed in classes...sometimes one a semester for all these years and in 2006 I graduated with a Masters degree. At 22 years old I began at the local JR college taking remedial classes. All this while my health issues took their toll. Eleven years ago, my husband and I separated for 6 months and I thought I was going to make it out of the marriage.Then I ruptured a disk in my back and lost the use of my left leg. Friends helped me and I was determined to not end up back in that marriage, but he managed to wear me down by being nice and helpful etc.etc.etc. I knew beyond a doubt it wouldn't last but I was in a terrible position and he knew I needed help and he begged me to come back and was able to convince me he'd changed. Eventually I had surgery and learned to walk again. Ten months later I was in a car accident that exacerbated an old injury to my neck resulting in my neck being broken in 3 places.....I was just finishing my BA program. I had already endured chronic pain....and now I was facing the possibility that I'd never be able to finish what I'd started, and I'd never get out of my marriage. Three years after that accident at the beginning of graduate school, I was told I could no longer write, type, drive more than 15 minutes, no laundry, no dishes...you name it I wasn't to do it. I was told to get a housekeeper by my doctor but when ever I did, my husband would cause a scene, or say we couldn't afford it, or make me feel guilty because I couIdn't do it myself, or he would say they weren't worth the money. I learned to use the voice activated computer program and kept going because I knew that the only way out of my marriage was going to be for me to finish school. Every time I had a test, or a paper to write or a presentation to give, I could always count on my husband to act like an ass and put undue stress on me. I ended up at the emergency room the morning after a fight with him more than once....because I was having stroke symptoms! Yet I could not find my way out of the marriage because I simply didn't believe I could make it, and he constantly now wanted to remind me of how I needed him to take care of me and the kids because of my health problems. I knew in my heart of hearts, if he left...the stress would decrease and my health might improve! But now, he WOULDN"T leave. I remember one year telling a friend of mine, "I'm going to buy 5 guns, and give them to five friends. Next year if I am still in this marriage, I expect one of you to step up and shoot me!" I felt so stupid for staying with him...so very unhappy...and so hopeless that it's difficult to describe the confusion that kept me immobilized in this marriage. My health issues kept me freaked out about future health care. I did not know if I'd ever work again. And I couldn't bear the guilt of putting my boys through the divorce. And yet...I'm going to do it. I simply cannot bear my life around him any longer. I have a job now that I love and it has health benefits. I am hopeful it will end up being a permanent position and it looks positive. I simply cannot believe that God brought me this far, to simply drop me on my butt. AND I AM SCARED TO DEATH! But I am going to do it anyhow. And I'm no longer going to worry about what his family thinks of me, what my family thinks of me, or even what my boys end up thinking of me because in the end I know that I could be dead. I think that when one makes a decision....a real decision...all kinds of things line up to support that decision. It just has to be true. Good luck with your decision whatever it ends up being. And by the way...I noticed you're from Nevada City. I have family up there. Kwrite
posted by kwrite
Just logged on and read your story. I'm so with you in your struggle. I am 51 years old and have been married a shocking 31 years on the hope that things would improve. They don't. No matter what I have ever tried (and I know I have done EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE to make this thing work). In the end, I realize I could literally have died from trying. In the past year, I have given up. I have a 15 year old son at home and have hoped I could muster enough stamina and hope to endure for two more years until he graduates, however it isn't to be. A year ago I began to pray that God would remove from me whatever it is that has kept me from leaving this marriage.Tomorrow my husband and I are scheduled to go to our first mediation session. I actually am convinced he isn't someone I should try to do mediation with, (he's way passive aggressive) and I don't believe I can trust him at all...however I have agreed to at least this session. My stomach has been in knots for days in anticipation of beginning this thing. In the past I actually took that to mean I wasn't supposed to end my marriage. I have been so beaten down in this relationship that I didn't believe I could make it out there. I couldn't bear the idea that I would break up my family. (We also have a 26 year old son.) The stress of this marriage has cost me my health, my self respect, and literally my ability to function around my husband. He has spent years undermining my parenting decisions, my efforts at financial stability, and my efforts to move forward in my life. He is a miserable man who never could communicate in a healthy direct way AND FOR YEARS HE WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE ME THAT IT WAS MY FAULT! He is a martyr, and has convinced himself that I am lucky he's in my life. While he has been a good provider, he has never been able to manage the good money he makes. Little by little through the years I got in school and stayed in classes...sometimes one a semester for all these years and in 2006 I graduated with a Masters degree. At 22 years old I began at the local JR college taking remedial classes. All this while my health issues took their toll. Eleven years ago, my husband and I separated for 6 months and I thought I was going to make it out of the marriage.Then I ruptured a disk in my back and lost the use of my left leg. Friends helped me and I was determined to not end up back in that marriage, but he managed to wear me down by being nice and helpful etc.etc.etc. I knew beyond a doubt it wouldn't last but I was in a terrible position and he knew I needed help and he begged me to come back and was able to convince me he'd changed. Eventually I had surgery and learned to walk again. Ten months later I was in a car accident that exacerbated an old injury to my neck resulting in my neck being broken in 3 places.....I was just finishing my BA program. I had already endured chronic pain....and now I was facing the possibility that I'd never be able to finish what I'd started, and I'd never get out of my marriage. Three years after that accident at the beginning of graduate school, I was told I could no longer write, type, drive more than 15 minutes, no laundry, no dishes...you name it I wasn't to do it. I was told to get a housekeeper by my doctor but when ever I did, my husband would cause a scene, or say we couldn't afford it, or make me feel guilty because I couIdn't do it myself, or he would say they weren't worth the money. I learned to use the voice activated computer program and kept going because I knew that the only way out of my marriage was going to be for me to finish school. Every time I had a test, or a paper to write or a presentation to give, I could always count on my husband to act like an ass and put undue stress on me. I ended up at the emergency room the morning after a fight with him more than once....because I was having stroke symptoms! Yet I could not find my way out of the marriage because I simply didn't believe I could make it, and he constantly now wanted to remind me of how I needed him to take care of me and the kids because of my health problems. I knew in my heart of hearts, if he left...the stress would decrease and my health might improve! But now, he WOULDN"T leave. I remember one year telling a friend of mine, "I'm going to buy 5 guns, and give them to five friends. Next year if I am still in this marriage, I expect one of you to step up and shoot me!" I felt so stupid for staying with him...so very unhappy...and so hopeless that it's difficult to describe the confusion that kept me immobilized in this marriage. My health issues kept me freaked out about future health care. I did not know if I'd ever work again. And I couldn't bear the guilt of putting my boys through the divorce. And yet...I'm going to do it. I simply cannot bear my life around him any longer. I have a job now that I love and it has health benefits. I am hopeful it will end up being a permanent position and it looks positive. I simply cannot believe that God brought me this far, to simply drop me on my butt. AND I AM SCARED TO DEATH! But I am going to do it anyhow. And I'm no longer going to worry about what his family thinks of me, what my family thinks of me, or even what my boys end up thinking of me because in the end I know that I could be dead. I think that when one makes a decision....a real decision...all kinds of things line up to support that decision. It just has to be true.
Good luck with your decision whatever it ends up being.
And by the way...I noticed you're from Nevada City. I have family up there.
Kwrite
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