Happier being single

After her divorce two decades ago, Carol Collin felt liberated. At last, she was free to explore who she really was without threatening her partner. "In some relationships, the person you are with is afraid of you attempting to see who you are," says the 61-year-old, who lives on California's Monterey Peninsula. Now, she can engage in self discovery that "...makes my friends curious, but none feel threatened," Collin explains.

Her feelings are not unique. According to a recent study of midlife singles, "There are many women who are happy to be single because there are many women who are independent. The culture is changing," reports researcher Dr. Xenia Montenegro, who works for AARP Knowledge Management.

Her study found that single women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s are happier than their male counterparts of the same ages, citing personal freedom and independence as what they like most. "Generally, the men are the controlling people in the marriage, and the women are happy to be free of that. I think it's the women who suffer more from marriages," says Montenegro.

Being in charge of yourself

After more than 18 years of marriage, Collin was thrilled to learn that she was able to make it on her own without anyone else telling her what to do. Having married at 22, straight out of college, it was amazing and exciting to be in charge of herself, she says. "I stayed longer in the marriage than I really needed to because I didn't think I could make it. I discovered that I could do just fine," she notes.

Like many women, Collin found it difficult to accept the reality of a bad marriage. "In some ways, I wish I had this wonderful relationship that some of my friends have, but these are people who married their best friends, and as they grew and changed, their marriage grew and changed. Mine didn't work that way; it was not a very healthy marriage," she explains.

A time for exploration

When women divorce in midlife, they are free to explore new things on their own. But sometimes they have to learn how to do that. According to Montenegro, many women spend more time reading, especially as they get older, and engaging in spiritual or religious activities.

Collin - a teacher for more than 30 years - did a lot of storytelling and dipped into theater work after her divorce. "It helped me develop that part of me that I had never really developed before," she says. "I didn't believe I could do anything like that. I wasn't able to explore anything."

The tradeoffs of being partnerless

Many women who divorce after age 50 decide to focus more on family relationships and forego looking for a partner, feeling that they have "been there, done that."

"When they are divorced, they say they don't want to go through that again and are happy with where they are now," Montenegro says. "It's ironic because they also say they don't have anybody to go out with ... so you have to look for a friend. So that is a disadvantage."

It's a decent tradeoff, though, says Elizabeth Jonesboro, 55, of New York City. "It was nice to always have a companion," she says of her 20-year marriage that ended 12 years ago. But she does not mind calling friends to do things because "you often have different friends to do certain activities with. And sometimes it's just nice to do things alone."

However, making major decisions, such as when you want to buy a new car or paint the house, can be challenging, admits Collin. "I have friends I can telephone and ask, 'What do you think I should do,' but it's still very difficult sometimes."

Many single women (about 32 percent) are also concerned about being financially independent, according to the report. (Only 11 percent of single men expressed the same concern.) Collin is partially disabled and needs help with home maintenance and gardening; but she owns her own home and makes "enough money to survive," she says.

Money was also a major source of worry for Jonesboro, but friends and family kept her going during the half dozen months it took to find affordable housing that made her feel financially secure. "It was a tremendous stress relief," she says. "And it was wonderful to know that, in the end, I was going to make it on my own."

Overall, both women feel that gaining their independence was worth whatever tradeoffs they had to make. "I have changed so much in the last few years," says Collin. "Leaving is the best thing I did for both of us."