Wedding anniversaries

The best and most important anniversary gift Sherilyn Levy ever received was simply a card.

Levy and her husband, David, high-school sweethearts who married when they were 20, had been separated for about six months. Then their anniversary arrived, and so did his card. "It said, 'I know this probably doesn't mean a lot now, but ...'and that was enough," says Levy, now 57 and still married to David. "That was pivotal to getting our relationship back together."

Anniversaries are by nature personal celebrations. You can acknowledge them publicly or privately, splashily or quietly, extravagantly or frugally. The important thing, says marriage counselor Corky Becker, is to recognize what each partner has done to keep the marriage strong. "Everybody wants to feel special and loved, and anniversaries are a time when, culturally, we indicate that it's important to recognize the relationship and how important it's been."

A chance to recommit to the marriage

"It's very important for people to feel acknowledged and recognized for their loyalty and devotion. An anniversary is a time when people think again about the fact that they made this commitment to be married and then recommit to it," says Becker, 60, who practices at the Family Institute of Cambridge in Watertown, MA.

Precisely, says Claire Collins, 65, of Cohasset, MA, who celebrated her 43rd wedding anniversary with her husband, Robert, 66, last November. "It's almost like New Year's for the wedding. We make resolutions and sum up what happened this year and what we hope will happen next year," she says. "Whatever day it falls on, we always take the day off and go somewhere, just to take some time together away from everyone else. That's exactly what we're doing: we're recommitting."

Ways to mark the event

How you and your spouse mark your special day and with whom is up to you. Becker prefers anniversary celebrations that involve her whole family, whereas Sherilyn Levy and her husband "see it as our celebration, not something our children or other people have to be involved in." Here are some ideas to consider when planning your next anniversary commemoration:

• Take a trip. The Levys, who live in Jamaica Plain, MA, cruised to Bermuda for their 25th anniversary; Millie and Ed Choinski of Wayland, MA, who will celebrate their 41st this year, say they vacation together every year to mark the occasion. "Marbella, Spain, was the best. It's just beautiful there," Millie notes.
• Exchange gifts. Traditional anniversary presents such as diamonds are quite reliable. Or bypass tradition and splurge on an expensive toy or luxury you've both wanted: think a gadget from Sharper Image, sporting goods, or tickets to a show or event that interests you. It really is the thought that counts: Claire Collins treasures a small lighthouse charm that meant "I love you" from Robert, and both she and Becker mention cards as meaningful gifts. "People can write special notes to each other in cards," Becker says. "Each anniversary my father would write a letter to my mother. It was very, very romantic, very sweet."
• Throw a party. Partypop.com, a California company that plans anniversary bashes, offers a truly impressive assortment of anniversary party themes, from "Beauty and the Beast" to "Log Cabin" to "Old Time Jazz." Parties also give friends and family a chance to recognize that a couple has built a successful marriage "which isn't easy," says Becker. "It's a time when people say, 'This marriage is important, not just for the couple, but for the family and the community."
• Revisit an old haunt. Replay your first date (the Collinses mark the anniversary of theirs each year with a second celebration), watch your favorite movie together, dance to your first "Our Song," or dine together at a favorite restaurant. "We started out young and didn't have much money, so for us even dinner out was a big thing," Claire Collins says of her early celebrations.
• Share something new. Take a class together. Learn to tango or ballroom dance, or take pottery classes -- anything you've always talked about doing but never quite got to.

Whatever you do, make sure the celebration is a mark of appreciation for your partner. "Marriage is a context in which people give a tremendous amount, and they want the other person to really get how much they've given," says Becker. Collins says that when she mentioned this to her husband, he replied, "Every day's an anniversary for us."