Two by two

Whenever you see Lois Songer out and about in the California town of San Clemente, you're sure to see Roy, her husband of nearly 65 years, right beside her. "People always say if you see one, you'll see the other," laughs Lois, 85. "We're together all the time, always have been, since the day we met in high school."

And that was way back in 1938. Roy and Lois married four years later: they didn't have children, but both enjoyed rewarding careers all their lives. Lois worked as a librarian for 40 years, while Roy, now 92, spent 25 years in the U.S. Postal Service. So what's their secret for not getting plain tired of each other in their 69 years together?

"Support," says Lois. "We're here for each other. And we don't keep secrets. We look after each other, and we're best friends. When you have someone around to talk to, that's important. Not argue, just talk."

"The wonderful thing is, as you get older, you have someone who completely understands you," says Roy.

So, are good communication and a peaceable nature the ingredients for a successful marriage? Not necessarily, says Dr. Sue Johnson, professor of clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa and director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute and the Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy. "All couples fight. The secret is how you fight and how you connect and repair the situation after a fight," she says. "Trying to suppress conflict is a bigger problem than actually having a fight, because you get out of touch with the other person's feelings. I'd say that for a relationship to survive long-term, a must-have is an ability to change the level of conversation to stop having the same fights over and over again. People get stuck on the same subjects and say things that can alienate their partner. The emotional bond between them starts to unravel."

Friendship comes first

Research shows that marriage is good for us: according to one National Center for Health Statistics report, married people are less likely than other adults to be in poor health and suffer headaches or psychological distress. Yet more and more people are putting off marriage -- 2005 was the first year in which unmarried households outnumbered married ones.

"When it comes to marriage, friendship and flexibility have become much more important than in the past," says Stephanie Coontz, who is director of research and public education for the Council on Contemporary Families and professor of history and family studies, The Evergreen State College, Washington. "Roles in marriage used to be clear-cut. But now, with each partner more capable of building a life outside marriage, couples can't fall back on one-size-fits-all patterns to make a marriage work."

Being flexible also means having respect for your partner even when their rights and wishes may be opposite to your own - a fact that has served Veronica and John Essex of Hyde Park, Massachusetts, well during their 53-year marriage.

Veronica, 78, says, "We're so opposite people can't believe we've been together and happy for all that time. He likes certain things that I don't, and vice-versa, but we get along great. We communicate and don't get angry. And we stick together. We never let the children play us off against each other. We were united."

The magic ingredients: Interest and respect

Could the secret of perfect partnership be a mix of respect and a united front? One man who might answer "yes" is Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle. Since 1973, he's been studying what makes marriages fail or succeed. By looking at heart rates, facial expressions and how partners talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, he is able to predict with 90 percent accuracy which couples will make it and which will not.

For Dr. Gottman, the most corrosive aspect of any relationship is contempt for
a partner. An air of superiority is itself the best predictor for divorce. Being "interested in your partner and being receptive and knowing them" is important. "It's a moment-to-moment decision to be interested, to be complimentary," he says.

Embrace each new chapter

A successful marriage also demands that a couple can weather life's changes. Carol Edelstein, Sunrise Senior Living's lifestyle contributor, says that illness, unemployment, retirement, and even moving to a new home can put strain on a relationship, no matter how established it is. "There can be difficulties of adjustment for people who are used to working, which fills up your life and gets you out with other people. If you struggle with the loneliness of not working, think about doing more as a couple. See it as an opportunity to renew the relationship and strengthen it in a different way."

"For more than 20 years we played golf together," says Helen Bodkin, 86, of her 64-year marriage to Bob, 94. The two live in San Clemente, California. "We don't believe in divorce - and besides, we always say we couldn't afford separate maintenance," laughs Helen. "We look after each other. And anyway," she adds with a twinkle in her eye, "there's no sense in turning him in now!"