If we had to pick something to disagree on, it could have been a lot worse than kitchen protocol. Take my technique for cleaning our "professional" sauté pan, which required a battery of small brass brushes and several helpings of "professional" metal cleaner.
Not a quick fix, admittedly--one more suited to people with time to burn. My wife Jonna wasn't one of them. She preferred productivity to perfection. She was still working. I had retired.
In this new role, I was responsible for morning coffee and most of our suppers. The kitchen, I assumed, was now my domain. So it was with some reluctance that I compromised on my notions of perfection when Jonna later joined me in retirement with ideas of her own. When cleaning the stovetop, for example, she used a damp sponge rather than my choice of Windex and half a roll of paper towels.
Although our disagreement boiled down to a minor skirmish in a trivial turf war, I was reminded of it when reading about a stress-related illness called RHS or "Retired Husband Syndrome." It affects Japanese housewives and is caused by husbands who, when they retire from dawn-to-dusk managerial jobs, have no one but their wives to order around. Real sickness results.
Experts who picked up on the story framed it as the "Retired Spouse Syndrome" and warn that there's a moral in it for all of us. Whether measured in frivolous differences over kitchen protocol or major disruptions in lifestyle, the impact of retirement on marriage is something all Boomers should be aware of.
According to Christine A. Price, gerontology specialist at Ohio State University, a lot of information is available to help people plan financially for retirement, yet very little attention is paid to how relationships and personal well-being may be changed as a result of it. Despite a common belief that retirement is "easy," research shows that it can sometimes be challenging and frustrating.
Given improved healthcare and today's extended longevity, you can look forward to spending a third of your married life in retirement. Are you prepared? What issues do you foresee having to deal with when you and your spouse may be, in effect, joined at the hip? Here are some strategies to consider.
You can do it
Before you retire ...
- Enjoy the anticipation: As retirement approaches, talk about expectations, goals, what can be done together, what separately, which dreams coincide, which compete. If one of you loves travel and the other prefers volunteering at home, take time to fantasize about scenarios that satisfy both your desires.
- Time the departure: Research shows that couples adjust most easily when they retire together. Can you? If not, think about how routines might be altered when only when of you is working. How will meal preparation be handled? Shopping? Housekeeping? Other chores? Might the retired spouse assume a greater share?
- Consider a gradual transition: Retirement needn't be like jumping overboard. You can ease into it. As the date approaches--perhaps during the final year--take long weekends, even mini-vacations, get a feel for time management and leisure. You may even be able to reconfigure your job from fulltime to part-time.
Early stages ...
- Hit the ground running: For a quick start on retirement, begin with something you've long aspired to do. Take a trip, undertake a home improvement project, equip yourself for a hobby you've never had time for. Note that you can also hit the ground sitting--start with a stack of books you've always wanted to read.
- Keep your options open: Retirement is something to be learned. So fill your schedule initially with whatever comes to mind, like the activities above. Don't rush deciding what you want retirement to add up to--that is how over the long term you're going to balance fun and productivity or social and private time.
- Stay healthy: Care for yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Exercise is key--particularly as we age. Studies show that you'll benefit not only physically from exercise but also psychologically. Some researchers even consider exercise an antidepressant and a possible stimulant to growth of new brain cells.
Settling in ...
- Keep busy: Retirement may seem empty at first, especially to people who were defined by their jobs and neglected other interests. If that's your spouse or you, take heart. You're the type who can make strong future commitments. Dream a bit now and gather intent. Before long you'll be absorbed in new passions: travel, family adventures, hobbies, sports, art, community service, further education, mentoring, even starting a new career.
- Establish routines: Now that every day seems like Saturday, possibilities abound. Get a handle on them and focus your energies by replacing work routines with retirement routines--thus insuring that you include critical activities, like keeping yourself fit. And remember, some routines include time to relax.
- Maintain connections: Stay in very close touch with an old friend. Regularly make time for other friends. Be open to new friendships. Next to having a successful married partnership, a healthy social life is one of the main determinants of happiness in later years. Similarly, stay close to your family. Finally there's time to visit, to travel, to vacation together, and to make up for opportunities missed during your working years.
Although retirement can take some getting used to, if you and your spouse have a good relationship now--and you anticipate issues that can arise early on in this new stage of your life--the transition from work to a world of fresh opportunities should not be difficult. You may even find it to be the most fulfilling stage of all - if you can stop scrubbing the sauté pan long enough enjoy it.
