A month or so after their son Zach started college, Diane and Dave Rocha each started to feel lost. What was there to do now, with no high school plays to attend, no homework to supervise? In a fit of nostalgia, they pulled out some old family photos, including their wedding album.
"That's when it struck us: Now, as back then, we are in uncharted territory," says Diane. "So we mapped out a course that made this region of our marriage feel fun and exciting instead of empty. The first step, we agreed, was to liven up our sex life. By following through on that plan, we recaptured some of the excitement we felt about each other in those early years -- and that has led to positive changes all around."
As the Rochas soon found, the empty nest years provide the best conditions ever for kindling sexual sparks. Freed from many of the worries of earlier years -- pregnancy, birth control, the chance of interruptions from kids - you now have the opportunity to have sex anytime and anywhere. Thursday night at 6? No problem! Or try one of the Rochas' favorite new activities: playing sexual fantasy board games in front of a cozy fire on a Sunday afternoon.
A good relationship is key
Good sex and good relationships tend to be connected. If one isn't working, then the other is often "off," too. If your sex life is stale or nonexistent, take a close look at your relationship, now that the clouding factors of parenting and career-building are out of the picture. Have you been ignoring underlying sources of conflict while attending to issues that seemed more pressing at the time? Perhaps you've just lost sight of each other.
To become close again, concentrate on both verbal and non-verbal communication: conversation as well as hugs and strokes. If these communications seem rocky or just don't result in more enjoyable sex, consider working with a professional to uncover any emotional blocks, such as anger, resentment, or depression.
Less quantity, more quality
In the movie Annie Hall, Woody Allen describes sex as "...the most fun I ever had without laughing." It can still be that way at midlife, although physical changes may affect desire and ability. The frequency of sex may lessen, but the pleasure needn't. According to a study by the National Council on Aging, most Americans over 60 report that sex is at least as satisfying to them now as it was in their 40s. And that satisfaction is likely to be at a deeper emotional level. More than a hormone-powered joint activity, sex can become an intimate gift to share with someone who loves you.
Adjusting to physical changes
For women, the primary challenges to sexual enjoyment relate to falling levels of estrogen, a hormone necessary for sexual desire and vaginal lubrication. For both sexes, dropping testosterone levels can also bring changes. Men may need more physical stimulation to get aroused and maintain an erection; women may have less interest in sex - and less energy for it. Physical conditions such as excess weight, arthritis, and cardiovascular changes can also take tolls on desire and performance.
Fortunately, your medical practitioner has a good bag of tricks to guide you through some of these challenges.
- Hormonal changes: Estrogen replacement therapies, testosterone supplements (for either gender), and lotions and creams for dryness.
- Erectile difficulties: Viagra, Levitra, Ciala, and similar potency enhancers. The number of users has doubled since these drugs were introduced, and most are pleased with the results.
Exercise and a proper diet can also help you stay healthy and attractive enough to make for satisfying sex with your partner. As your needs and abilities change, be patient. Both men and women may require more time and stimulation for arousal, but that's fine - remember, sex isn't a race to the finish line.
Sex is a vital part of your life, necessary for both physical and emotional health. Make it a priority, as the Rochas' did. You, too, may find that "getting it on" again is the first step towards the most joyous stage of your life together.
You can do it!
To regain or deepen the intimacy with a spouse or partner that children, job, and other activities may have eroded, start with these suggestions.
- Get honest. Look closely at the interactions between you and your spouse. What works? What doesn't? How can you make improvements? Don't be afraid to fight: Recent research indicates that couples who argue over issues have the most satisfying marriages!
- Get closer. Share your dreams for the next twenty years and talk about how to achieve them. Pretend you're dating again, and explore a nearby city together. Go to museums, plays, historic sites, even shopping. Or, find a new activity you'll both enjoy: take a class (ballroom dancing, anyone?), plan a home improvement project, or commit to community service. Above all, do fun things together instead of in parallel, whether it's gardening, canoeing, walking, or cooking. Instead of watching TV, trying listening to your favorite music together -- especially songs you shared when you were dating.
- Get away. It's hard to feel romantic when you're beset with bills you haven't paid and chores you haven't done. Make a plan to get those things out of the way, and then take off for a carefree weekend that allows you to focus only on each other and fun activities. To really avoid distractions, choose a quiet inn with a pool, hot tub, or Jacuzzi bathtub -- and dive in together.
- Get different. If your bedroom has looked exactly the same for the past ten years -- same sheets, same pictures, bed in the same position -- try rearranging things, changing the color scheme, or buying new bedding. A change in appearance might help to make things feel fresh and new again. Keeping the bedroom clean and uncluttered can help, too.
- Get touchy. Touch is powerful. Remember that you're lovers, not roommates. Try plenty of kisses, squeezes, and back rubs to keep the fire going in both of you.
- Get wild. Take a tip from Mae West's famous song, "I Like a Man What Takes His Time." Make the most of any changes you may be experiencing around sexual arousal and response time. Instead of rushing to the "main event," indulge in slower, more sensuous foreplay. Make a full evening of it. Try something new: massage oil, a sex toy, a candlelit bath together. A visit to an "adult" store or Internet site might give you some ideas for your next date night and will surely set the mood.
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posted by Jeannie5357
My husband is 13 years older than I am. He has had four by-passes and is on a high level of blood pressure medication. It is in his mind very strong about sex and yet medically he just can't take the medications to get it up with his blood presure and meds.I am 60 now, and after his serious surgeries including a stomach aneursym and 11&1/2 hours surgery for that, the meds makes it very dangerous to take Any meds to help us. In the sexual area; we Both have always been Very motivated and well suited to each other. No doctor so far, has tired but one med for us and that was cialus,pronounced see-al-isss, I think. Viagra was told to him definitely Not to take. I miss sex as I was only 40 when it stopped. For his sake I don't admit that I miss it. He however, after 37 years of marriage, knows that I miss it. I have a clitoral toy from a physician's book that I got.It's basic and does the basic job; however, I miss my husband.
We've Both had so many surgeries that it isn't an option for him to have elective surgery and get an implant or anything like that.
However, I have to admit lately I've been thinking along those lines more as he misses the sex as badly or worse than I do. If any man or woman knows if the man climaxes as well and is full-filled; I'd appreciate hearing. My e-mail is:BJDJMAC@aol.com. My husband is Not computer literate; so I will be the Only one to get the e-mail.So I don't delete it, please make the subject line something on the line of: Jeannie5357; info to help maybe!
I get a Lot of junk mail after only being in Texas for two years now. We lost our home to the Ocean in Hurricane Katrina and All of our belongings. We have a good start again here at Lake Whitney now.
We'll always miss the Ocean,seafood, and our home, with so many treasures, collector's items,
family pictures and personal things that we thought we would have at our deaths. But being a very motivated person, we have began over after 37 years and coming along fine with a Lot to be thankful for.Dennis is 73 and I am 60 now I know medically couples that are sexually in their 80's and we should be able to do Something. I have always been very highly sexual and so is Dennis and has been.Please anyone with an implant and knows the feeling, and if they are truly satisfied,
let me know some facts about it. I am confused that if the man climaxes, the penis is still hard and that confuses me too.
I figure I am new just this evening and may as well put it out there and see what feed back I get.
I saw a doctor's name on here that specializes in this issue, and perhaps I should talk to him. But certainly someone in the group, knows the true answers if they have tried.I feel more confident that a person that has tired things would know the answers better than the doctor that prescribes the treatment to them.
I'll really appreciate any answers that I get.
May I also say; since this is my First correspondence; that I love to dance. However, I've had four back surgeries and am limited to start off slowly. Dennis has degenerative arthritis in his hips and can no longer dance.Poor guy; he is really a great husband. He builds and does things that most men can't do. He also loves cooking good Cajun food, and is born and raised in New Orleans up-town in the elite neighborhood.He'll help wash, cook, do windows and makes a Great husband that doesn't fright from his masculinity when he helps out!Our only problem is missing sex and trying to find a solution to that from someone that knows. And for me; I'd love to meet a friend to dance with, as Dennis has a beer perhaps. We aren't familiar with the places in this area and perhaps someone in this group is.
Dennis Nor I, are the jealous kind; but are not the
trading partners kind either!, or joining into sex partners at the same time. Just to get that out of the way up front. I am a very truthful person and expect that from any friend also.Nothing needs to be remembered if the truth is always told.
As for women friends, I like to sew, crochet,and bake good deserts! Sometimes I play or practice on the piano....I took 13 years of classical music on the piano when I was young. I now have a good Baldwin piano, but haven't played in about 20 years now and feel like all tumbs. In a short while I'll be back to doing good again! Takes limbering up again and getting back into the music; but I will Not give up! I accomplish what I set out to do.
Thanks for your time with this new member.I appreciate anyone that reads or responds to my first email. When we moved to Mississippi to retire and be more quiet on the Gulf; it took our home after 20 years there.But we are survivers and have good natures, we will be stronger for all of the pain. We also find that we are more particular now when we buy things. We decide what is really important to us as we never forget the feeling, like everything can go in an instance, now after all we've been through.It's hard but we are tougher!
Thanks for your time and hope to get some answers welcoming us into your circle of friends.
Jeannie
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posted by Kindrick2
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