It seems like the most natural thing in the world. You have kids, raise them, they become adults and marry, and then they have kids. And you become a grandparent. But it doesn't always happen that way. About one out of ten childbearing-age couples (over six million people) face infertility and all the anguish and roller-coaster feelings that go along with it, according to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.
As bad as it is, couples facing infertility do find some support from their doctors, families and other couples going through the same experience. But what about the couples' parents? The ones who have been dreaming of becoming grandparents?
If you're a mother or father whose child is coping with infertility, you may find yourself supporting your child through all the desperate attempts to have a baby. Or maybe you don't discuss it all. One thing is for sure: you yourself will have feelings about not being a grandparent and, most likely, you don't voice these feelings or thoughts--maybe not even to your spouse.
But you should, says Janet Jaffe, Ph.D., co-founder of the Center for Reproductive Psychology in San Diego, California. "People who expect to be grandparents suffer a great loss when their children can't have their own kids. But it's a disenfranchised kind of grief," she says. "No one has died, and society doesn't recognize this kind of mourning." Here's how to help your child and yourself cope with infertility.
The need for grandchildren
Many children want to give their parents the gift of grandparenthood, according to Jaffe, co-author of Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility (St. Martin's Press, 2005). Many people not only consider grandchildren a gift, but a real necessity in their lives.
"It's part of their 'reproductive story," says Jaffe. "There's a desire to pass knowledge on, to pass on the torch to those who come after you." Passing on can include anything from old recipes to amusing stories about the grandkid's parents, from rare photographs and memoirs to the wisdom of how to succeed in business. People see themselves babysitting, taking the grandkids on trips and having just plain fun.
Some people view grandkids as having a second chance at parenting. In her book, Jaffe describes Fred, a retired restaurant manager who had two married daughters but no grandchildren from them. While he was raising his girls, he was so busy with the restaurant that he hardly saw them grow up. Now, Fred wishes he could be a grandfather and be able to spend a lot of time with the grandkids.
Facing infertility
Most parents start contemplating the idea of grandchildren when their own children reach their early 20's, according to Jaffe. It's not that they feel they're ready for them, but they begin to think about it as part of their children reaching maturity someday.
At some point, it becomes apparent that babies aren't coming so fast. Says Jaffe, "Usually parents will bring up the subject with their children in an indirect way, giving hints, such as 'Marcia's daughter is pregnant, did you hear?"
Parents may begin to feel more pressure if their peer group or friends start having grandchildren. As more time passes without grandchildren, these parents feel less and less like they fit in socially, just as the infertile couple begins to feel less a part of the baby-producing crowd. Being left out is as hard to take as not having the grandchildren in and of itself.
Some parents blame themselves for their children's infertility. "For example, there are mothers who took DES in the 1950's and 60's to prevent miscarriages," says Jaffe. "Many daughters of these women suffer from reproductive abnormalities. These mothers, in particular, find it hard to forgive themselves for taking a drug that, ironically, was supposed to be beneficial."
Coming to terms
Parents who don't have grandchildren may grieve for a long time, says Jaffe. There is no real ending or closure to this grief because they're continually reminded of their "loss" when their peer's grandchildren reach certain milestones. "But let yourself grieve," says Jaffe. "Seek out therapy which can help as you go through the stages of mourning."
If you and your children can openly support each other through the grieving process, you'll be more likely to go on with your lives -- and, perhaps, accept adoption as a very good alternative.
"Another way to compensate for not having grandchildren is to be around other people's children," says Jaffe, "so you can satisfy the need to nurture and to pass over knowledge to the next generation." Try volunteering to hold infants in a critical-care nursery, she suggests. "Or become a mentor or tutor in your local school. Our culture tends to isolate older people from young children unless they're related to them. But this does not have to be." Remember, she says, that you have a lot to give -- even if it's not to your own biological grandchildren.
You can do it!
Parents often feel very helpless when it comes to supporting their children as they cope with infertility. But here are some do's and don'ts that can help you communicate with your child about this condition.
- "Ask your child directly what role you should play as he or she goes through the process of trying to have a baby," says Dr. Janet Jaffe. "Ask what kind of involvement the couple wants -- if any." Then you don't have to guess at what to say or be afraid to talk at all when they're around.
- Be sensitive to the kind of things that don't help," says Jaffe. "Don't talk about others who are having babies as a way to motivate the infertile couple." And don't say, "I don't understand what can be wrong. I never had any trouble having you or your brothers." That is very hurtful, says Jaffe, and can actually alienate you from your kids.
- Offer to attend support groups, meetings and lectures on infertility with your child. Not only do you help your child this way, but you also learn what's going on in research and the process of treatment.
- Fertility treatments, usually only partially covered by insurance, if at all, can run into the tens of thousand of dollars with no guaranteed success. Although it's a sticky situation, you can offer to help your child finance some of the costs of treatment. But only give this kind of help freely out of love, and acknowledge to everyone -- including the other set of parents who may not be able to afford it --that this help comes without strings attached.
Sources:
Janet Jaffe, Ph.D.
Center for Reproductive Psychology
San Diego, California
www.unsunglullabies.com
www.reproductivepsych.org
