Should you move near your children?

When Marilyn and Ted became grandparents, they were smitten from day one. The first year of their new grandson's life, they made the long trip from Cleveland to Raleigh to see him every three months. As the years went on, their visits were still fun, but they had become increasingly frantic. Marilyn and Ted would race from one event to another: to the science museum and the zoo, to children's theatre and swimming meets. They were there for every birthday, every holiday. But they missed sharing the daily routine of family life.

On every journey home, they talked about moving to North Carolina so that the whole family could be together. Then, unexpectedly, they had a chance to try it out when their daughter's friends needed a house-sitter for a month. As it turned out, that experiment saved everyone from a move that would have caused a lot of grief.

"As much as we loved being with our kids and grandkids, the whole thing wasn't what we'd expected," explains Marilyn." We felt as though we were living in someone else's world. Although we were surrounded by people and did lots of stuff together, we often felt invisible and lonely. As we discovered, being grandparents is only one part of who we are. We missed our friends and our own community and the life we have in Ohio."

Sue, a widow and mother of two grown children, has a different perspective. She lives a few blocks from her daughter, son-in law, and elementary school-age grandchildren. She has moved three times in the last ten years, as her son-in-law went from grad school to medical school to a residency. It has been easy for her to find part-time jobs that use her office management skills in all of these locations. And she has derived great satisfaction from her role in the family. "I can be there when the kids come home from school. I'm the milk-and-cookies grandma. My daughter and son-in-law work full-time, and I love being able to make life easier for them."

A contemporary family dilemma

How about you? Would life be more satisfying if you moved in order to be close to your children and grandchildren? It's a question that many of us over the age of 50 are grappling with. In a world of ever-increasing mobility and opportunity, our families are often spread out across the country or the world. Technology helps to keep us connected, but we all know that it doesn't replace the casual luxuries of enjoying a grandchild's soccer match or taking a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip with a daughter.

The birth of a grandchild, the freedom of retirement--or the promise of making a new beginning -- may trigger a tantalizing emotional pull to move closer to our families. But moving is a complex business that always involves some sense of dislocation and loss. Every family has unique considerations and should make such a decision only after extensive thought and discussion.

Here are some questions to help you think through your decision:

Is your children's community really a good match for you? If you have recently retired, you may be contemplating a move to a new setting anyway. You may want to downsize from a large house to a smaller one or to a condo. You may want to go to a milder climate or a place with a university, nearby ski slopes, or progressive senior housing. Perhaps you would like living in a more stimulating city -- or to leave the city for a quieter, more contemplative environment. Does the place in which your children live match your criteria?

Is your work transferable? If you are still working, can you continue to work for the same company as a telecommuter, staying connected by phone, computer, and fax from your new location? Or, with the skills you have, would it be easy to find a new job, as Sue has done? If you own your own service business, could you realistically expect to build a clientele in the new location?

What's your personal style? Are you a self-starter? A joiner? Will you be able to jump-start yourself in a new location to connect with activities or a support community (e.g., a church group, interest group, or volunteer work)? Or are you more introverted by nature and just as content to pursue more solitary activities? In other words, will you find a role for yourself other than "parent" or "grandparent"...and create a life that will satisfy and enrich your own individual interests?

What is the nature of your relationship with your adult child? This may be tough to assess from afar, especially if it has been many years since you spent extended time together. But it will be important to talk with family members about mutual expectations. Are you very close to your adult child? Does your child have a partner? If so, then how will the partner feel about you being close by? You may imagine that you will see the family three or four times a week, but they may think that two or three times a month will be plenty, given their busy schedule. Today's young adults are balancing complicated and often frantic lives. You need to explore whether being in the same community would be a help or a burden to your children.

What kind of relationship do you envision with your grandchildren? Right now, it may be wonderful to help with the child care of your young grandchildren, and they may love the attention and devotion of a doting grandparent. But think about the future. Inevitably, they will become more absorbed in their friends and activities. You (and their parents) will likely not be at the top of their list for playmates. Then, will the relationship be satisfying enough for you? What will you expect from it?

What are the financial implications? What are the possible financial consequences of this move? If you move from Des Moines to Los Angeles, you will be dealing with a greatly inflated real estate market. Can you afford it? What is the lifestyle in this new place? Will the proximity to your children cut your travel expenses considerably? Will it also mean that you will spending more on activities with your children and grandchildren?

What are the potential losses? What will you leave behind? A circle of friends? A beloved home? A familiar community? Long established relationships with physicians, accountants, clergy whom you know and trust? A place where you are known, have a history, have made a mark? It may be hard to gauge the impact of losing these things, but you should base your assessment on past experience. If you have been in the same community for 30 years, then these changes will be enormous.

What are the potential gains? Close everyday connections with family members? An opportunity to pass on or create new traditions and family rituals? The privilege of being another adult in your grandchildren's' lives? A chance to do something totally new and to explore a new part of the country? An opportunity to help your children manage their busy lives? The long-term possibility of support for you when you go through the aging process? You'll want to weigh these carefully against the potential losses.

Whatever your responses to these questions, if you have an opportunity -- like Marilyn and Ted -- to try out living near your children before making a big move, by all means do so. If the experience disappoints you, it will save you from a possibly disastrous move. If it's a success, it will teach you what works and doesn't work in dealing with your children and grandchildren -- and that will stand you in good stead if and when you make your move.