About two million Americans are now single parents. About 30 percent of custodial parents are men. I'm one of them.
My daughter, now 16, has been shuttling between two households since she was eight. My ex and I have learned a few things from the experience that I'd like to share with you.
When you're facing a separation give careful thought to how your kids will experience the change. The transition is especially difficult for an only child. When Cleo was eight and faced with moving out of what she'd come to think of as "her" house, I promised her a new kitten when we moved to our new house. That was an easy accommodation to make, and the visit to the Humane Society to pick out a new pet was exciting fun. As a new-home welcome, my ex promised something that she had to renege on within the year, which led to trauma and tantrums. They had rocky times for a few months. If she'd had a sibling or two, Cleo would have had someone else to turn to for sympathy.
Kids are herd animals. Peer support is critically important. Try to arrange the new lifestyle so that your child isn't separated from friends for too long.
Parents need support, too. A working single parent needs help, especially with car-pooling and after-school supervision. This inevitably means forging alliances with other parents. Get involved with church groups, the PTA, the Y, scouting, and any place else where you can network with folks who need to exchange kid-services.
Your own social life affects your kid. You need a life, of course. Don't depend on your children as your emotional support system or ask them to "parent" you. Have your own close friends. But be very, very careful about introducing a new mate into the household. Instead, let your kids learn about your romantic partner in easy stages. There should be a warm friendship between a kid and an adult before that adult becomes a possible housemate. A bombshell surprise will likely lead straight to intense anxiety and jealousy, which will poison the relationship. Remember that your child has already been traumatized by the divorce. Don't revive that trauma.
Blended families are not always happy families. Hollywood thrives on blended-family comedies. In real life, unless everyone buys into the new arrangement, the blended family can be more of a psychodrama than a joy. The key is to accept and love everyone involved, immediately, without reservation. If that's not easy, fake it until you find common ground.
Look for a flexible work situation. We all know about the glass ceiling for women. It's been my experience that corporations also impose a glass ceiling on single parents, female or male. If you have to pick the kids up at 4 pm, you're probably not going to be destined for an executive suite. A single-parent professional who can afford to hire a live-in care-giver has an advantage, as does a parent with nearby family who will pitch in. But folks of modest income often must make significant career sacrifices to maintain custody. If you can, find a job with plenty of flexibility in terms of working hours. Even better, launch your own business or join a family firm - at least until your kid is old enough to self-supervise until you get home.
More career issues
The most difficult career issue is a forced separation from your child. It's a sad fact that, five years after divorce, the average dad lives 400 miles from his kids. Typically, this is because he is paying child support and felt compelled to accept a transfer to a better-paying job in a distant town. Such a move imposes additional stress on the custodial mom, too.
Conversely, if it's the custodial parent who accepts a job elsewhere - or who wants to marry someone far away - this, too, separates the child from one parent. Remember: Your child wasn't responsible for the divorce and shouldn't be asked to bear its costs. My ex and I avoided this situation by agreeing that we'd both live in the same school district until Cleo graduates from high school. As a result, I've given up some career opportunities, and some income - but I have my kid every other week and see her almost every day.
Also be aware that, from a kid's point of view, your job diverts time and energy away from parenting, so it can become a source for jealous anxiety. If you can, bring your kid to work occasionally -- or at least to the annual company picnic -- to demonstrate that your job isn't a monster. If she meets some of the friendly, supportive people you work with, she may even become interested in hearing about them at the dinner table.
Helping a kid adjust to joint custody
Commuting kids have special needs. There's the simple logistical issue of leaving school books, iPods, laptops, wallets, and other necessaries at the right house. Cheap stuff - toiletries and so on - should be duplicated to avoid schlepping. More critical is the issue of fitting into a new household and neighborhood. If your child is only a part-time resident, he'll require a lot of resilience to get caught up after each shuttle. Kids are fabulously resilient as long as they know they're loved and accepted. If there's friction in one or both households, expect to see anxiety expressed via reactive behavior.
A kid who has fought with one parent will often come "home" to the other parent with a tale of woe. This can be a bonding experience - after all, you fought with your ex yourself, so why shouldn't your kid do it? But don't let that line of thinking lead you far beyond a quick snort of amusement. Taking sides will likely result in a resumption of open warfare. You need to be able to negotiate with your ex in good faith -- and good spirits -- over scheduling, vacations, holidays, finances, school issues, gifts, grandparents, and so many other issues.
The divorce was painful for my kid, but over the long run it's worked out reasonably well. She has her own gang of friends, and I've shared chauffeuring services with their parents. My ex married someone she met through the local PTA. He has kids of his own, and my daughter enjoys having step-siblings near her own age. It's a pretty good arrangement: When Cleo wants my undivided attention, she has it; when she wants big-family togetherness, she has that, too. She fights with her mom - I think all adolescent girls do that - and wraps her dad around her little finger. In that sense, she's had a normal, healthy childhood.
Useful links:
Single Parents Network
Single Parents at About.com
Kids' Health: Living with a single parents
Parents' World
How To Be The Best Single Parent You Can
