Grandparents fighting over the phone to talk to their granddaughter who is quite a distance away.

"The best gift you can give grandchildren who live abroad is to take them on vacation when you get to their country," says Joseph Katz, 83, a retired psychologist in Manhattan. "It's great for the grandchildren, wonderful for you and much appreciated by their parents."

Joseph should know. He and his wife Esther, 80, a retired teacher, are experts on long-distance grandparenting. They have two grandchildren—Natan, six-and-a-half years and Moriah, two-and-a-half—living in Israel. And they have five grandchildren living in the US—three grandsons from Chicago and two granddaughters from Nashua, New Hampshire. The stateside grandkids are older than the two living in Israel, ranging in age from 18 to 26 years.

The Katz's have not only learned to form lasting bonds with each of their grandchildren no matter where they live—far or farther—but have also seen their relationships positively change as the grandkids got older. "It wasn't easy," says Esther. "It's been a lot of work. But it has been worth it to be close to our grandchildren." Adds Joseph, "Distance doesn't have to be a barrier to a great relationship."

Setting priorities

Their relationship with their Israeli grandchildren has been even closer than with the others, they say. The Katz's spend four months in the summer and six weeks in the winter in Israel. "When we're in Israel, we take care of Moriah and Natan during the week when Bert and his wife work," says Joseph. "We see the grandkids every weekend. And we take them to the Dead Sea for vacation. We swim with them every morning. Esther reads stories in English to them. And she cooks special dishes for them. They love her sweet potato soup."

They admit they've been fortunate to be able to afford to see their Israeli grandchildren so often. "With everything else, we live a simple life. Our priority is to be with our grandchildren," says Esther.

Sound idyllic? Not exactly. "It's exhausting taking care of children at our age," says Esther. "They fight a lot. And they get up so early. But this is what's impotent to us and them."

With their American grandchildren, the Katz's have also made a point of being there for them. When their daughter Nina's sons were little, Esther and Joe would visit Chicago frequently. And they would also go and baby-sit Becky and Eve, their granddaughters from Viv and her husband Ken in Nashua.

One of the best times of the year was the Christmas season when the entire family would travel to Manhattan to be with the Katz's for ten days. "This was one big celebration in which we would celebrate all the birthdays and anniversaries at one time," says Esther. "And the wonderful thing is that Viv and Nina still get together with all the grandchildren every year—even when we're not there. It's become a lasting tradition."

Says Esther, "You have to extend yourself. There are times when the whole family came over and crowded into our tiny apartment. That was hard." The Katz's also make sure that at least one of them goes to their grandchildren's special occasions. Esther made a difficult journey to Iowa for a grandchild's college graduation. But she says she's glad she pushed herself to do it.

In between trips abroad

The Katz's do a lot to keep in touch with the grandkids, especially the youngsters in Israel. Regular contact is key to maintaining close long-distance relationships, according to Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger in their EONS article Without a Magic Carpet. Says Joseph, "We speak on the phone. We write letters. And send emails. We mail things personally addressed to the grandchildren. This way they receive something special from us."

The times in between visits can be rough. When the grandkids are little, you miss them very much, says Esther. "It's very intense when you're with them—and then very empty when they leave. There's no transition." That's why the calls and letters help keep the Katz's going when they're not physically there with their grandchildren.

The wonderful payback

"Now we see the older grandchildren independently of their parents," says Esther. Eyal, 26, is a math teacher in Manhattan. He often goes to dinner and concerts with his grandparents. On his spring break from college, 18-year-old Noam came to New York to visit Esther and Joseph. "We must have done something right," says Esther.

But what about the future? What happens when the Katz's can no longer travel back and forth from the US to Israel? A little squabble breaks out around this issue. Joseph thinks they may end up in Israel. Esther doesn't agree. "We haven't thought about that yet.

"But as long as we have our health, we'll be spending time with our grandchildren—wherever they are."

You can do it!

Let's face it: It costs a lot of money to travel back and forth to see long-distance grandchildren. For most people, it will very difficult. But you can take some steps to make it possible to see your grandkids.

  • Start planning and saving as soon as your children move to a location far from you. You'll probably already be saving funds to see your children. So when the grandkids come along, you'll be accustomed to saving. If you were putting money away for college, don't stop when your children graduate. Keep putting that money away into "travel" account to use when your grandchildren come onto the scene.
  • Make seeing your grandkids a priority in your life. As the Katz's do, keep the rest of your life and material needs simple, so you can save money for visiting your grandkids.
  • Work out something with the other grandparents for paying for the long-distance children and grandkids to come to the US. Esther and Joseph Katz pay for their Israeli grandkids to come to the US on special occasions, such as weddings and graduations. Their in-laws pay for the grandkids to come every other year for regular visits.

Community : How do YOU plan to see your kids and grandchildren if they move far away from you?