Let me kick off this discussion of male friendship with a confession: Over the years, my friendships with women have been emotionally deeper and more supportive than my friendships with men.
Nonetheless, I firmly believe that every guy needs a network of guy friends. We're wired to feel relaxed and happy when we're part of a team or engaged in a bull session. Psychologists and sociologists say that, as boys, we learn to be men by hanging with men. And the emotionally lightweight banter we exchange renews both feelings of well-being and our sense of humor.
Fun without women
"It's a good thing for guys to get out and do things together," says John R. White, a clinical psychologist in Piedmont, California, who works with many middle-aged men. "It doesn't have to look like a Coors beer commercial, with half a dozen guys screaming at a sports event. In fact, drinking in a bar or watching sports on TV doesn't encourage communication. My own experience is that men open up better if it's just two or three buddies doing something interesting," says White, who recently took a wilderness river-rafting trip with his teen-age son and an old college buddy.
"It's a fact that men often have more fun together when they're not around their wives," he adds. "The women tend to do all the talking. When it's just two buddies on their own, they both talk a lot more."
Help with guy issues
Every now and then, a man may go through a life-change event that cuts him off from his usual male support group. A career move might require us to relocate across the country. We might retire and lose touch with the water-cooler crowd. Some changes -- loss of a career or a marriage -- can leave us with a sense of failure, loneliness, and depression.
Ron Spinka, a psychiatrist in Berkeley, California, points out that hanging with a group of guys can put us in touch with people who have had a parallel experience. And just knowing you're not alone helps; in fact, it can trigger a healing process. "Talking with women can provide a lot of comfort, even for a seemingly male-specific issue such as prostate cancer," Spinka says. "But there are a few areas -- like child custody after a divorce -- where men often get screwed by the legal system, and it can be really helpful to talk with a guy who's gone through it and come out on the other side."
Of course, it's easier to talk with guys about these heavy issues if you already feel comfortable with them. So don't wait for a crisis to find a group of men to hang with.
You can do it!
Most of us find male friends through sports, activities, community groups, or work. Few of these are all-male environments, but that doesn't matter: Any affinity group can be a place to find buddies.
- Sports. Join a league -- or coach one. It can be as simple as a bowling, baseball, or basketball league or as informal as a Saturday cycling gang. The local YMCA or community center is a good place to start looking. So is a tennis or golf club, which can match you up with players at your skill level. Or consider learning a new sport. Your doctor may have some ideas about what would be appropriate, from the sedentary (bass fishing) to the full-body workout (basketball).
- Volunteer groups. This option lets you do well by others while helping yourself. Most small towns still have volunteer fire departments and sheriff's search-and-rescue squads. Seaside resorts have the Coast Guard Auxiliary. I once found good friends through participation in a Civil Air Patrol squadron. You can find groups dedicated to trail maintenance, hospital support, and animal shelters. YMCAs and youth groups need counselors and basketball refs. Groups for disabled veterans need volunteer drivers; imagine helping out a wheelchair basketball team. Local volunteer groups often form quickly in response to an emergency or humanitarian crisis. If you have the time, it's rewarding to pitch in with a hurricane relief project or oil-spill clean-up. Church groups often take the lead in these efforts.
- Learn or teach. Have a skill? You might meet a lot of interesting guys by teaching it through the local community college, YMCA, or community center adult education program. Or learn a new skill. An old college chum, finding himself outvoted at home by wife and daughters, found his voice by singing bass in a barbershop quartet. Another friend who builds champion model airplanes enjoys plenty of guy companionship by traveling the world to fly them in competitions.
- Organize! Some non-sport skills are best practiced en masse. Pick guitar? Start a band. Feel lucky? Get up a penny-ante poker game.
