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LAMININ November 6, 2008
Not just for Molecular Biologists! I found this video online and just have to share it with everyone. I've been trying to add it to my homepage without success. So, I'll try again here. If it does not give a direct link to just click and go to (?) Copy & Paste to your Browser and click search. Everyone should see this ... view link
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Pre-Edison Gas Lamp October 29, 2008
I have a Pre-Edison Gas Lamp, seeking Authentication and possible Sale - to highest bid. See Photos! on my homepage. Still works! In good condition. Beautiful Brass and Bevelled Glass Design; with Bell Top and Decorative Bottom Plate; said to have been handcrafted in France; 1 of 200 made for the Capitol, in Washington, D.C., early 1800's. Lost documentation to this beautiful treasure. Is the only thing of value left by my husband.
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17 Days !?! October 6, 2008
OMG! Where does the time go? I've been away from eons 17 daze !?! My sincerest apologies to all of you, my friends, who have written and no doubt wonder why I haven't replied. I've been having a rough time with RA these (most recent) days, and though I am not really feeling much better tonight, I really wanted to check in and say "Hello!" to my new friends & let you know that I am thinking about you, too. I have been taking the time these last 17 days to rest & relax. And letting my boys play online & do their thing too; which is proving to be a wonderful experience for my youngest son, Matt. He's been working on his web sites and myspace.com [where I also created a page - before I found eons, and where all of my pictures may be found.] and his music was picked up by a radio station this week! It's very exciting, as I've always had the confidence in him to succeed, and I still believe that he will. If you want to see & hear his talents? Please go to: view link and view link Thank You & God Bless You, too.
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For Family Photo's . . . October 6, 2008
This is a place that I went to before I found eons.com and uploaded nearly every photo of my beloved & family - before I crashed my [eMachine] computer while I was setting up my eons account and lost all my pictures there!. So, while I'm catching up and fixing it, if anyone is interested, please feel free to go to: MySpace URL: view link and enjoy some of my history in pictures. God Bless & Thank You for Your Ever Present Support here at eons. Much Love! Right Back atcha! ;-)
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Another Sleepless Night! September 14, 2008
No matter how I try or what the doctors prescribe, I just can't sleep tonight, nor get enough of it since my husband died !?! My days have become my nights & my nights have become my days !?! I feel like I'm going insane because of it!
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Good Night September 8, 2008 - East TN
Well, I've been online for over 10 hours at this; setting up my profile & trying to win free gifts. I've had several viewers & only 1 contact; who I wrote to, that is, and I guess it don't count (?) and, no offers for new friends. Yet (?) Except for Suzy, of course. Is my profile that bad? at least tell me that. I could use the input, it's been so long since I've had or experienced social contact. But, thank you all, nonetheless. I'll be back for another day; tho I won't promise I'll be able to stay as long as I stayed here today. No doubt, I will SUFFER for the time I put in today & need a few days to recuperate. My one true friend, Arthr will make sure of it! Arthritis, that is. And the ole faithful sciatica, too. Oh! I did discover that eons has maintained my old profile: jean37757; that I assumed was no more when I created this one. Where I also discovered I had had a contact; who no longer exists !?! So sorry I missed her. But, I was offline for months & just got back. How is this going to work now? I can't maintain 2 accounts. Well, the other has pictures that I uploaded then, if you want to see a face behind the profile. I look forward to joining some groups & meeting new people here. TTFN
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Hello! September 7, 2008 - From East TN
I'm new here at eons, and sorry to say that I haven't a photo to upload just yet. Been having some minor trbl w/my computer the past few days; after subscrining to comcast.net and networking 2 household computers, so my children can get online too & I won't need to be interrupted again. N E Way, so I'm still in the process of restoring some software programs (after I accidentally deleted some vital Windows components !?! & had to recover from it. D'OH! I've been online here at eons for over 7 hours now, just setting up my profile. I have arthritis. It's takes me a lot longer than it use to, to do anything these days. I'm a shut-in (by circumstances) and hoping to meet & make new friends here. I guess that is my 1st lifepath. I'm also a bit uncomfortable with my looks, and it may be a while before I find a photo that I'm comfy enough to upload here, but I will, so you can at least see the person behind the profile. ;-) And I look forward to meeting you! Thanks for reading my eons profile.
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HOPS September 5, 2008 - East TN
Since my health limits me to what I can do these days, I have been trying to find a new way of taking care of myself, without having to rely on SSA/SSI; who say that while I am disabled - I am not disabled by their guidelines. Whatever that may be? Still I feel blessed by God to have my computer, and the programs it contains. I've been exploring the Works program; and I thought, "Why not offer 'Home Office & Personal Services' as a small home-based business?" Hence the title, HOPS. I also discovered that it has programs to make CD's & DVD's; and I presently have a small 35mm digital camera, that will also do video. I'm thinking Birthdays, Weddings & other special occasions and events - within my area, in East MF, that is. I plan to file for my Notary too. Your prayers will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Til Death did we Part May 17, 2007 - Silver Spring,MD - Knoxville, TN
I met my husband [Hilton "Calvin" Lowe, Jr.] in 1979; we married in 1980. He was already settled & secure, with a history that I was in awe of. He'd done things that I only dreamed of. He became my best friend, my mentor, my teacher, my lover, my everything. I so love him! He helped me to see the world in ways I had never imagined & the beauty & good in all . . . I loved working and taking care of our family. He wanted me to be a stay-at-mother for our children only. So I did for the most part; except if and when we needed the second income from time to time, for the extras and/or essential necessities. Oh, if I had it to do over again!?! Many times I just wanted to stay at work, but my family always needs me to take care of them. I live and breathe for them. All the while I've missed out on any opportunities to have a life of my own - when this day did come, that is; having no husband or resources, to do for myself, nor enjoy life as I once had. My husbands health was deteriorating throughout these last ten years; he suffered with sarcoidosis, (diagnosed at age 19) and there was no single physician [in E.TN] that we could find [here] to send for his medical records and maintain the much needed routine treatment for him!?! They also ignored my repeat requests for an autopsy!?! [I am appalled at the arrogance & ignorance here!] He'd told me to find a good lawyer & sue every one of them if and when he died here because of it; but I just found out that the state of Tennessee has a 1 year Statute of Limitations on Wrongful Death!?! How is that possible??? I wish I hadn't been so consumed in grief this past year. Or I might have known better enough to honor his last wishes. Nor would I be in my present predicament!?! and still be here! When sarcoidosis struck him down and out of work, in mid-1997, and no thing that he did could put him back together again, I had prayed & asked God to help me know and understand my husbands pain & suffering, that I would not be the kind of wife that gets angry & gives up on him. Six months later I injured my low back on the job; and my own health has gone downhill from then. During the medical & ultimately financial hardships we lost our home (of 25 years), and landed in East TN, in search of affordable living, and my husbands family, who he hadn't seen in too many years; and still hadn't. (They're a strange & estranged bunch - separated by arrogance & ignorance (too), it seems. Maybe it's an E.TN thing? lol) He died last year [on May 17th, 2007 at 5:27 PM (I only discovered the actual time of his death when I found his wrist watch recently)] at UTMC [University of Tennessee Medical Center], in Knoxville, from final stages of sarcoidosis, and related complications. Or so they said. [I have my strong doubts about it!] My requests for an autopsy was ignored; that I will never know for certain. [I'll save the rest for one of my (other) blogs; maybe.] This last year has been the hardest for me. I stayed in much of a mental fog from the day he died until some time recently. That's the only way I have of describing it. My whole world crumbled around me and I wasn't even aware of it. Now, I'm struggling to put the pieces back together again; as much as I can, of what there is left. I've tried everything I know how to, to pick up the pieces and go on; to take care of myself, without him; all seeming to no avail. I'm still coming up with ideas, but still fail to have the resources to act on anything. I can find no single thing in my life (at the moment) to be really happy about, anymore. In looking back, there's so many things that I wish I had done; even differently; things that I only dreamed of, and wanted to do and to have. It's like I've just been drifting through life!?! waiting for God . . . ? Most times, I want to scream and do something about it, but I can't; I feel so d*mn helpless & hopeless!?! Without my husband, I'm all out of resources!?! [emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually] And since I woke up (from my initial grief after losing him), I've been thinking, about all of it. For a long time I lied to myself and said that I had no regrets; that if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing !?! I married for love - not for money. But if I had it to do over again, I would surely, at least, make sure he has means; to take care of me in turn. Or, he'd be in agreement with me and work with me to do and to have. Because poverty stinks! I know, I've been on both sides of the gate; so to speak. It hasn't always been this way. For a time we were considered middle class. His & Her vehicles; and the basic essentials, and sometimes then some. A swimming pool; that fast became the neighborhood hang-out; and I really loved it! I was affectionately dubbed, "Momma Jean" to all of 'em; serving up snacks, beverages, and eventually & only upon requests, guidance counseling for the teens seeking direction and/or just understanding. Our children had what they needed and then some; sharing with others; including the newest toys; that we did sadly & all too late learn were the tools of instant gratification in todays generation, that has hurt this generation. We were comfortable, and secure. Our home became the neighborhood teen club & safe haven for everyone. For a time. I was always thankful; because it could have been worse. And it is now. I'm living a life that I feared & refused to even consider for myself then. We always had had just enough, and by the grace of God, we were able to help others who came along in need, too. We felt fortunate to have what we had; a home of our own, where others have none; and where we took in others in need & gave them a chance to get back on their feet again, or a chance to get started for themselves. I'm fairly certain that's where our retirement was spent; at the time it felt like the right thing to do; you know? do unto others as you would want them to do unto you; and I truly believed the good Lord would always carry us too; like footprints in the sand; never worried what tomorrow would bring. How foolish it seems now. I'm not saying that he wasn't a good man. He was, obviously, or I would not have married him. When you're a young (& naive') girl, whose endured one too many indifferences in relationships, and with the opposite sex, and one such as him happens into your life; he was a dream come true; and I remember thinking, "he is too good to be true." But I could find not a single flaw in him then. I truly believed he was my soul mate; God made him for me & me for him. Well, I was young & naive then. And I believed in our marriage vows too. We both came from families where marriage was "happily ever after" or "for better or worse" and "for rich or poor" and, "in sickness and health." And we honored those vows, no less. Although, there were times when I thought I should or might leave. I was married, but I felt like a single parent much of the time. And our children felt it too. But then I'd remember his sarcoidosis and tell myself that he deserved to do whatever he wanted and/or wished, with or without us (much of the time); because tomorrow may be his last. And he lived his life to the fullest - without us, for the most part. Still, I was so proud of him. And proud to be his wife. Does that make me crazy? Is it wrong, to wonder now? He was well educated, well versed, and had done many things in his life by the time we'd met. [He attended Walt Whitman High School; where opportunities & possibilities are boundless! it seems; as student's are exposed to many people, places, and things, and culture's, all well beyond the standard or traditional public schools schemes or themes.] He was entirely the opposite of myself; and exactly who I wanted to be; and knew I never could be. I'd made mistakes & found myself with no free time to fix it; too busy being wife, mother & working to help sustain us. He was well liked and respected everywhere he went. He worked, and was a hard worker, and volunteered in the communities where we lived. He had so many interests, much talents, and potential. He was stable & secure, in all things. I thought I (and our children) would prosper by him; not necessarily monetarily (entirely) either. He was old fashioned, with godly morales, standards, and values. He was thoughtful, considerate, and generous to others; placing their needs ahead of his own always. He lived a purpose-driven life long before author Rick Warren wrote the book; or quite possibly even thought of it. He completed me! And I think I may never find another like him. ? Nor am I sure that I want to; in a world seemingly full of uncertainties now. I soon learned that the one thing he was not good in was parenting; at least, not until the all too much latter years, when the trees had already grown & formed firm branches that would not bend, it seemed. Which I blamed myself for, for not allowing nor giving him much opportunity, or so I thought I did. Oh, he loved his children, every one of them; in his own way. He was proud and happy to have them - in the beginning, when they were first born, and still innocent; [He was told he might not have children after suffering from the mumps that dropped him during basketball, in school, at age 16.] until they entered public schools and began to develop into unique individuals. I can't say for certain that he was a perfectionist, in all things; though at times I wondered; as he (seemed to believe that it was his primary responsibility to) live his life as a role model and example for his children, (only, or so it did seem; as well as provider; which he did, the best that he could; at least, the bare essentials, that is) and for others; and their greatest offense was to bring shame to his name; doing what children do (as I perceived it from him). As well as he could communicate with others outside of our house - he could not communicate with his own children. He meant well enough. He just didn't know how. And he didn't have the patience for them either; particularly if and when he perceived behavioral nonsense, or the likes there of. And ironically, I don't blame him. For we are all one part of our environment & one part of our genetics; and such things as we are conditioned from childhood. Like his children; he had a father who was older & ill throughout much of his childhood; who took his family for trips, but spent little time with them; was his memories; and is his children's memories too now. I spent so much time making excuses for everyone; trying to understand (each & every one of them; as unique individuals; husband & children) and trying to keep the peace, and trying to hold us together. I was always hoping & praying for a brighter tomorrow, for every one of us, as I perceived and believed a family unit should go. And while I've succeeded in keeping us together, there is no real unity here. No single thing that I ever did and/or wanted for us was ever consistent, nor existed, and may never will. ? He died with tears in his eyes for the way that he left us. I know in my heart that he held regrets, too. It was the one of many things that held us together, in marriage, and life, until death we did part. Or so I have told myself throughout the years, to justify everything . . . I miss him so much. Yet, oddly enough, his absence (tho in death now) feels like it did when he was alive; like he's just out doing something (of the many things he'd done in his life), and he'll be home when he's done. The only reason that I know for certain that he's not coming back is, . . . I'm doing it all by myself now. [Maybe the few years that I had learned how to take care of myself and/or that I could before I'd met him, prepared me for this part?] And the years that we were together, included him sleeping with his back to me until he needed me . . . So for 30 years I invested in family, for better or worse; neglected myself; placed their needs ahead of my own; and gave and gave and gave . . . Only, I'm 51 & not 20 now! and I've been out of the loop far too long now; that I'm not even certain if I know myself now !?! nor how to do or say anything !?! And I'm just wondering . . . What next? for me now.
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Chronic Low Back Pain & The Day My Life Changed Forever! January 30, 1998 - Rockville,MD
The day my life changed forever! I'll never forget it. And oh how I wish I could go back in time and change everything!?! My husband had fallen ill, in May 1997, and for the first time in all our years he wasn't getting well. Six months had gone by, and all of our personal resources were spent on trying to get him well enough to go back to his job; which paid well more than mine; to no avail. Our wonderful [DHS] system required that I give up my job and participate in a search for work program, and our family become poverty level to qualify him for the much needed medical care [Medicaid]. I'd taken a part time job in the Bakery at a local grocer chain then; offering management training with a 6 figure income potential. And I was pleasantly surprised when I was picked for this awesome opportunity, 3 weeks into my Service Clerk position. My co-worker wasn't, and she decided to loiter behind her own work schedule this particular evening, on Friday, January 30th, 1998; and flooded my work station with soap & water; after insisting I help her to load a heavy piece of bakery equipment into the commercial washer that wasn't part of the job description; and 3 weeks of enduring harassment from her. She kept blowing me off each time I asked to remove it so that I could get on with the rest of my job duties and have no delays in closing my station at the end of my shift; so I wasn't too surprised when she disappeared suddenly, leaving me with barely enough time to fulfill my obligations & responsibilities. I was surprised, however, to find nobody available, not even a store manager to assist me in removing the heavy object as needed. I thought, "No big deal," as I'd lifted as heavy or heavier in previous positions. I raced to complete all the least of my duties, and cleared the floor of the pool that she'd left for me, and saved the dish washing for the last of these. I opened the door to the commercial washer and reached in for the heavy object and pulled it towards me. I thought for a moment that perhaps it'd be best to place the caster it sits on in position to catch it. Carefully, and slowly I pulled the heavy object to the edge. With my left leg, I held the caster in position to catch it. I stepped aside just enough to let it slip down to its place; where I would then roll it back to where the Bakers kept it (for use & wash each day). The next thing I know, I was grabbing the handle of the commercial washer to break my fall. My feet had slipped out from under me. And my upper & lower torso twisted in opposite directions. I felt slightly lightheaded, and what felt like a sucker punch to my mid low back. I looked up and saw that the soap (hose) was turned fully on!?! I finished cleaning & closing down my station, and by the grace of God, I clocked out on time, too. On my way out, I stopped by the managers station to make the incident report, and still no one was there. I found a small slip of paper and left a quick note. The following morning, I was back at work to open on time, at 6:00 am. I had woke feeling like I'd been in an all night wrestling match. At approximately 11:15 am, I was about to walk out onto the floor to set up my displays, when I felt a sharp & strong cramp in my buttocks that ran down my left leg and into my left knee, which knocked me off my feet! Another co-worker caught me before I hit the deck and/or lost my tray full of displays. Management came running, as they'd witnessed the scene from their cameras, and asked if I was Ok. I told them what had happened the night before. They said no more - that day. I was relieved to have the next day off work. I thought I might recuperate and be ok to go back to work again the day after that. Each breath that I took seemed to bring on more pain than the last. By the third morning after, I could not get out of bed - for another 5 weeks! My husband assisted me to the doctors office, where initial exam showed potential herniated disks and a pinched nerve. An MRI confirmed it several weeks later. And 4 days into my treatment, my employer pulled the plug and began battling against what they would eventually come to call me "as medically recovered as may ever be" !?! Meaning that they saw no point to my treatment, although my physician and physical therapists did !?! My Physician had sent me to one of the areas top & finest Sports Medicine & Physical Therapy Centers [who also treat the Washington Redskins football team members, as and when needed]; where I was told that 2 to 4 years could restore my health. In the course of all these events, we lost our home (of 25 years) and were forced to move, in search of affordable costs of living; while waiting for my lawyer to settle my claim. He had promised us a new home. The state of Maryland had so little to offer to help us then, and proposed that we find a place, any place, in another state, and paid $500.00 of our moving expenses. Three years later, my lawyer said, any odds of winning my case now were greatly slimmed by the move out of state. I had to settle on just enough to get my ailing husband and our two youngest children (still in school) off the streets and into a rental house then. We had found ourselves homeless 6 months after the move. Nearly six years later, since the accident on the job occurred, and having to prove that no out-of-state physician would have to take time from his/her practice for workers compensation court, in Baltimore, Maryland; I finally found treatment again. Unfortunately, it's not the treatment that I thought and hoped I would get. They now tell me that the damage is permanent - because of the delay in treatment !?! As if that weren't enough; the following year, I was bit by a Northern Start Tic; and diagnosed with Lyme's disease (November 21, 1999). I've received too many diagnosis since then, and underwent treatment for some. And, I've had to settle for pain medication treatment, in order to have any kind of a life at all. I hate it! And it's become a new battle for me; emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. I changed physicians recently, at the insistence of my children; and learned that the muscle relaxant [Zanaflex] is what's caused my vision impairment; permanent blindness! Though I did inform my last physicians office of the vision deterioration during treatment - they never acknowledge this!?! I could have left my work station incomplete that day. And I still would not be earning the 6 figure income in the management position I was so eager to earn then. It has definitely been a no win - no win situation all around for me.
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All My Children May 18, 1977 - Central Maryland
I'm a mother of four (4) adult children now. They are Shaun, Michael (who prefers, "Mike"), Matthew (who prefers "Matt"), and Sarah. Ages in years, 31 (1977), 28 (1980), 23 (1984) and 22 (1986). Watching them grow was an adventure. I still remember their unique interests, talents, and potential, as we envisioned they could be. Shaun was an entrepreneur at age 9. He worked in the neighborhood doing anything a 9 year old boy could do to earn income for himself. Mike disassembled our floor model console tv and put it back together, like a jigsaw puzzle at age 14 months! Matt has a love of music that endures to this day. He's multi-talented in so many ways. Sarah was & is a kind & gentle soul; always giving of herself; much like her mother. How different our lives have become since then. And, I am not without hope and prayer for them. At the moment all my boys are back at home. While their sister, my one & only daughter lives with her (strange) boyfriends estranged family now. For 6 years she's been trying to save him - only he doesn't want to be saved. He's been using her the whole while! It's breaking my heart. She's fallen so far off the right path since she met him. And all she will tell me is, that I can't give her what she needs - to justify leaving him!?! His mother makes her shoplift for her, as a condition for living with them!?! and she's been arrested three times that I know of now! My firstborn son, married in 2004; the year after their son was born; my one & only grandchild. He was attending Tech School [for HVAC[ & working to be able to provide a better everything for them - until her addiction ultimately consumed the best & both of them. She's in jail, serving an 18 months sentence for too many drug-related charges (to list here); and now she wants to file for a divorce and full custody upon her release; and he was diagnosed with epilepsy last year. They lost everything he worked hard to achieve, for them as well as for himself. And resources are not easy to come by in this region, for him to rebuild a life here. What galls me most is knowing that when she met him, she was on a rebound and searching only for a sperm donor; only she neglected to inform him!?! And she did not deny it when we inquired if this rumor was true!?! She'd been thru 2 bad previous relationships; fighting over drugs. And she concluded that a pregnancy would qualify her for [free!] DHS; public housing, food stamps, and ultimately Medicaid, to pay for her pills; that she will not have to fight another man for!?! To think that my one & only grandchild was not born out of complete love; and/or that she could end up with primary custody of him - solely as a ways to a means & selfish ambitions for her !?! I shutter to think it !?! And pray for my son & his child. My second-born son has never married; and has suffered too many sour relationships to try again. He's stayed home to help take care of his parent's; and made a promise to his father (on his deathbed) to take care of me now. Although I wish he'd find his own path in life; and live a happy, successful, and fulfilling life - for himself. My youngest son has loved music all of his life. He's hearing impaired; though it hasn't stopped him from pursuing his lifelong dream - of being on MTV or some other form there of; where those who rode him hard & even ridiculed him; alleging he had selective hearing, in spite of his medical history & records throughout his life; and may someday see him & say, "I knew him!" Boo Yah! We always taught him that being hearing impaired did not have to mean that his life had to be impaired too; he can live a normal life, and then some, if he wants to. And he does. He's created several web sites for himself, and received many proposals from producers and artists; that he's still looking into. I wish him well. All my children are made up of good hearts & other good, positive stuff. They just don't know it yet. And I am proud to say that they all have given their hearts to the good Lord; as they continue to search for the right path in this life. I have always hoped that they'd be more like their father - than me. And, maybe they will be, someday?
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When I Grow Up . . . Then & Now February 1, 1975 - Maryland & Virginia
Probably the happiest times of my life were in my childhood. I wish I could go back in time and be a child again, and never grow up! Children are so innocent and carefree; they seem to just live in the moment; one day at a time, taking it all in stride; finding joy in everything, or making it. I want to do that again, somehow, someday. I remember thinking, "when I grow up" I'm going to write children's books; and in middle school, one of my art teachers had told me that I had a natural ability & skills and should seriously (re-)consider pursuing a career in architecture. I never did. Now the books that I would have written have already been written by somebody else; and I just can't see myself back in school again; I wasn't happy in it when I had to be there. In middle school I went down a different path in life; that ultimately carried me away from my hopes & dreams and all that was or may have ever been good and positive. [as much as I hate to blame others for my own mistakes, truth is, I believe that if I hadn't been harassed by the staff there, who knows what other choices I might have and/or could have made for myself?] Some time later I got married and had (4) children. Aside from a few jobs here & there, that's all I ever did. Throughout my childhood I remained oblivious to the real world; living one-day-at-a-time, as children do; taking life in stride, and for granted much of the time. My immediate family was & is all that I really know. At age 18, (on my birthday) my mother forced me out into the world to find and make a way for myself. It wasn't easy; and that's all that I'll say about that, for now; but that I love her for it, for it forced me to grow; in what ways I do know; though I'm always learning something new everyday, it seems, and may always.
ejml1957's LifePath entries
ejml1957
Female,
located in
Jacksboro, TN
Eons member since Sep 07, 2008
