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I have got to go now.....
I acquired a book several years ago, titled "A Grief Disguised, How the Soul Grows through Loss". I started to read it , but was unable to tolerate the absurd idea that my loss could bring the growth of anything good in my life. (the author of the book lost his daughter, his wife and his mother, all in one auto accident.)
I picked the book up again now that it has been 4 years since my husband died. I found it a wonderful, enriching read!
I remembered that it had just been 4 years in 2005 since we had lost our teenage son. At that time, I felt that I had finally removed most of that horribly heavy brick wall that had fallen on me at his death. I could cherish memories instead of cowering in my painful nightmare. Then, a few months later, I lost my husband and that brick wall came crashing down on me again.
As I was reading that book, I came to the realization that 4 years is how long it takes me to deal with loss and turn that corner that allows growth instead of diminishment. It may be different for others, as our losses are all so very unique. I used to think about profound issues as God's sovereignity, the randomness of tragedy, and eternity because I wanted to. After I lost my son, I had to think about, and I was obsessed with, these things because I HAD to have answers. There is NO answer that can justify or explain my loss, I accept that now, gladly, because answers would only make God too small and denigrate my loved ones. Instead, I can now accept and embrace suffering as a way to realize God's essential nature. In suffering, the soul expands and peace is attainable through the knowledge of how infinite is God's love.
I will go now, in peace, not that I won't have my grief. But I will know that it is something that the enemy of my soul meant to harm to me with, BUT GOD has transformed it to bring good to me.
I picked the book up again now that it has been 4 years since my husband died. I found it a wonderful, enriching read!
I remembered that it had just been 4 years in 2005 since we had lost our teenage son. At that time, I felt that I had finally removed most of that horribly heavy brick wall that had fallen on me at his death. I could cherish memories instead of cowering in my painful nightmare. Then, a few months later, I lost my husband and that brick wall came crashing down on me again.
As I was reading that book, I came to the realization that 4 years is how long it takes me to deal with loss and turn that corner that allows growth instead of diminishment. It may be different for others, as our losses are all so very unique. I used to think about profound issues as God's sovereignity, the randomness of tragedy, and eternity because I wanted to. After I lost my son, I had to think about, and I was obsessed with, these things because I HAD to have answers. There is NO answer that can justify or explain my loss, I accept that now, gladly, because answers would only make God too small and denigrate my loved ones. Instead, I can now accept and embrace suffering as a way to realize God's essential nature. In suffering, the soul expands and peace is attainable through the knowledge of how infinite is God's love.
I will go now, in peace, not that I won't have my grief. But I will know that it is something that the enemy of my soul meant to harm to me with, BUT GOD has transformed it to bring good to me.
christmas with my daughter.
After a miserable Christmas last year, I have resolved to not let that happen again. There are only two people in this world who I want to share Christmas with, my son & my daughter. I am catching a flight out tomorrow to be with my daughter. We must know and accept ourselves and be honest about what makes life good for us and what doesn't. People expect certain things from us and those things may not be what makes us happy. I came to an accepting realization that no one is able to look out for me, but me. It is a liberating responsibility. No explanations or excuses to anyone, no shallow conversations, just doing what I know that I must do to make life something that I can live with.
Newbie
I see some familiar names here. The name of this group reflects a nebulous daily reality. Death has changed everything in our lives and leaves only the pervasive memories of those we will always love. I lost my idenity and took on the idenity of grief. Now, I know that I must be more than that or I will become as weary and disgusted with myself as others must be. That being said, I am joining this group in hopes of offering encouragment and to be encouraged.
