Parents who have lost a child Group: Messages by KaydancesMommy

My 9 year old brother told me today that I was a bad mom for letting my daughter die. It's crazy what they say when they don't understand.

Hello, my name is Samantha and I am 20 years old. This past March I lost my six-week-old daughter to a heart defect. This is my first support group and I have to admit I am a little scared. The doctors have me on anti-depressants and everyone thinks I should talk to someone. I know I need to, but I can't help but thinking no matter who I talk to, she'll never come back. I have returned to work and put my soul into my job (I work at a photography studio). I keep my head high and pretend everything is okay. Only people who are close to me know my pain. Some days I think everything is okay, and she's better off not suffering. But other days, like today, I don't want to get out of bed. Kaydance was in the hospital hooked to wires and breathig tubes her whole life. And sat beside her the whole six weeks watching her fight. And fight she did, she never gave up until the very end. I'm so young and I feel like my life has just stopped. No matter how happy I am, the pain will never go away.

I really hope this group helps. Thank you in advance for all of your support.

Does anyone ever feel like their obessed with their deceased child? Now-a-days, companies can put pictures on everything, mugs, blankets, pillows, necklaces. I want them all of Kayance, along with jewelery with her birthstone and name. I feel like I'm obessed with her, when the people I work with talk about things their children do, I always bring up Kaydance. She had such personality for such a little person. My grandmother says she was an old soul. My doctor's took me off the anti-depressant because it wasn't working and it was causing me terrible headaches. That makes me feel hopeless, like I'll never get over this, the strongest anti-depressant can't even make me feel better. I think maybe if I had another child it would help me cope, like she'd be a part of them, or like she sent me a present, but my fiance doesn't want to try right now, he is scared that it will happen again. He stays strong for me, but there are times I catch him break down.

I'm sorry for this rant, but when things are stressful in my life, I can't help but to think of her. I just sob uncontrollably.

Thanks for listening.
~Samantha