Parents who have lost a child Group: Messages by ameba

Many of you have asked me about the fate of the people that I met in China after the eartquake. Thank you so much for your concern. I can't imagine the misery that these poor people are enduring. Many have had only one child due to government regualations, and to have that child buried under tons of rubble... makes me cry to think about it. I was 200 miles north of the devastions site , so I have not personally heard of any tragedies.
I did find an organization that will give all contributions directly to the people who need them. If anyone is interested, it is www.caringforchina.org.

It is great to be home again after spending 2 weeks in China. It did seem like another world and I am still trying to process everything and recover from jet lag.
I worked in a clinic that we had set up to serve the poor migrant workers from the villages. They have no worldly riches but gave me more than I could ever give by their loving grateful hearts. The clinic was located in a vocational school where they had no sanitary facilities, except sqwatty potties, ( if a explanation is desired, PM me, or use your imagination), no hot water or showers. But these young people who lived there were an absolute joy to know. I have posted their pictures. One student was a Samuel born in March of 1983, just like my Sammy.
I know that the Lord sent me there with a purpose. Before I went, I struggled with the feeling that my life no longer had a purpose. I just looked forward to being with Sammy & Jerry again. I was told by a local Chinese church worker that he & his wife prayed for 5 years for an artist to draw a portrait of their daughter. They felt as though I was the one that God had sent and I was honored and humbled to do the portrait for them.
I felt as though Sammy & Jerry were with me in China, for this is something we had talked about doing together someday.

After we lost our 18 year old Sammy in 2001, I wrote a book about his life. It helped me and his many friends, who had such a difficult time with the death of such a young person who was so full of life!!
As a parent, you feel like such a failure because it is your job to protect your children.
Sammy is such a beautiful soul. He has touched so many lives.

The gang of 4 ( see picture, L-R, Shawn, Sammy, Joyce & Matt), were often at our home for meals. We always kept Sammy's favorite, Chimachangas on hand. When Sammy & Shawn were called they were chant "chim-a-chim-a-changas as they came doing their little salsa two step.
One Easter , Shawn was with us and he was very suspicious of sweet potatoes. He had never had them before , but they became one of his favorite foods. He was pleasantly surprised when I made a sweet potato pie. It became Sammy's by-word to him whenever something was extremly good...it was "a Sweeee-eet Potato Pie!!!"
After Sammy's death, Shawn lived with us for a while . He just could not cope with losing his best friend. His brother Matt, also was with us.
Joyce was the first to live with us. Sammy brought her home with him from school one day after her step father had beaten her. She stayed until she could graduate.
Sammy's capacity for caring for others was immense. He brought home stray animals, homeless people and and any friend that had a need. And, everyone was his friend! I have heard it said that those who have hearts full of God's love are taken home because they have accomplished what they were sent to do.
My brunch this Sunday is bitter/sweet. I have thankfulness and longing for that beautiful soul, my Sammy, my son.

Has anyone had one of those dreams that was really more than a dream? You awaken, startled, because there is a reality to the dream. I don't usually remember my dreams or if I do they are vague and fragmented. This has happened twice now, that I have had a dream which was so real, that it has woke me up and all I can do all the next day is think about it. Last night Sammy came walking up to me and I hugged him. But I could actually feel him and smell his presence. Every detail of his face, hair and clothes were distinct. I cried when I woke up and every time I have thought about the dream, I get chills. It really happened! The first time that I had such a dream was shortly after my husband died. I could not sleep and in desparation I asked the Lord to help me sleep so I could function again. My husband and Sammy were both very talented artists. I had a dream that they were both in an art studio in Heavan creating the most beautiful masterpieces from music, light, sweet perfumes and other etheral things. They both told me that, one day they would show me all these beautiful things that they had created and that they were happy. I was able to sleep again after that dream.

My daughter has 3 job interviews in Colorado. She put all her belongings in her car and left Oregon on Saturday . Yesterday, her car hit a patch of ice in Oregon and Thank God, she wasn't hurt , but she lost control of her car and it is totalled. She was so shook up, crying and scared. I am 2,000 miles away and I wanted to be there for her so badly, I prayed that God would send her little brother, Sammy and her Dad to strenghten and comfort her.They can travel in the spirit and I felt so helpless. The next call that I recieved from her, she sounded better. She told me that she felt the presence of her Dad and Sammy with her. I had not told her that I had prayed for that. It is hard for her , she was a Daddy's girl and we homeschooled, she and Sammy were only 2 yrs apart and so close. I tell God that I can't take anymore, half my family is with Him, I need the other half with me. Does anyone out there live in the Colorado Springs area and know of a nice, used car for sale? My daughter is worrying about how she is going to get to her job interviews. God bless!

Maybe that is the reason that there is not more activity on this site. It does help to talk about our loss(es)...but it is also painful. We desparately need to remember them as the blessings that they were in life and not always think of their deaths. As parents, it is so natural to fall into the pit of feeling like failures because we outlived them. That is so un-natural! I think of, and sometimes pray for all of us with this awful bond, even if we don't voice it, we support each other in sharing our mutual grief.

We all appreciate your uplifting posts so much. They are tremendously helpful. We will all be dealing with our tragic loss every day for the rest of our lives. When we walk and talk together sharing and supporting each other , the days are not as dark and lonely. God bless you both.

Thank you for posting your story. I am sorry for the loss of your precious Matthew David. Please know that no one in this group judges the worth of anyone as being any less for any reason. Our children are our most treasured angels. Everyone makes mistakes, but God looks on the heart. I am sure that your Matthew had the most sensitive, pure and loving heart. I admire your courage and your strong character for having your sweet little boy at age 16. It would have been much easier for you to sweep him out of your life. But you took on the indomitable task of being a teenage mother and showed the world what great stuff you were made of!
We all know how your heart breaks and your mind reels while trying to understand something that can not be understood. It will help you to read all the posts and to know that we all welcome and support you. If you want to, we would all love it if you would post a picture of Matthew. God Bless you.

I have thought about my dear friend Arlene and all of you who, sadly, share membership here. It's been almost a month of transitions for me moving and fixing up a HUD home that I found on the internet. I finally got hot water today..really going to miss those invigorating cold showers! My computer is hooked up again, too! yippee! The first night after I unloaded my things, I placed Sammy's urn on one side and Jerry's urn on the other side of my headboard of my bed....and I was home. Sammy's footlocker with all his treasures made the trip with me..I tried to let go of more things , but I couldn't. I have your pictures on my wall again. I just want to stay here, surrounded by cornfields and fir trees, doing more portraits , writing more, and missing
them so much.