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Empty Nest
Welcome to Empty Nest Season!
Once upon a time, you had a baby. And then, maybe, you had another baby or two. You spent years raising them, driving them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, feeding them, providing for them, and loving them. Then, they got very big, and very grumpy, and very soon, it was time for them to leave home.
Suddenly, that day is here. What it means is that your job as a parent is mostly done. Of course, you’ve still got years of worrying left, and some major bills to pay – starting right this minute if one of those babies is off to college– but most of the heavy-lifting parent work is finished.
You should be proud of yourselves. The fact that you have shipped your child off to college means that you’ve done well.
Anybody need a tissue?
Let’s begin with a list that includes several reasons why you have every right to do a bit of self-indulgent weeping for the next few weeks, especially if the child who's leaving is your youngest.
1. This is the end of an era for you. You will not be a full-time parent again, though you will most certainly always be a part-time one. But the door to your identity, to the way you view yourself, that used to be marked: MOTHER FIRST or FATHER FIRST has closed. You will realize very soon that full-time parenthood is not for keeps, it’s only a rental. You will realize that your time with your children is borrowed, leased, rented out, and now, that time is mostly over. As a sociologist pointed out to me while I was working on my book, "Beyond the Mommy Years," parents will know their children for much longer as independent adults than they will have known them as dependent children. Your child was a child for just 18 years, but she will be a grown up, or an almost-grownup for decades. You’ll have to start viewing your daughters and sons as near-adults, and not as large children who still depend on you for everything.
2. Your child no longer needs you very much, except for that checkbook and/or your credit cards.
3. If this is your youngest child, your house is about to become very very quiet. Also, cleaner and neater than it ever was before. This will make you happy, which will make you sad for thinking that way.
4. The absence of the child who is gone may feel like phantom limb pain, where something that’s gone still hurts somehow.
So, go ahead, grab some tissues. You've earned them!
More later about why this Grief Stage won't last very long. . .
Once upon a time, you had a baby. And then, maybe, you had another baby or two. You spent years raising them, driving them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, feeding them, providing for them, and loving them. Then, they got very big, and very grumpy, and very soon, it was time for them to leave home.
Suddenly, that day is here. What it means is that your job as a parent is mostly done. Of course, you’ve still got years of worrying left, and some major bills to pay – starting right this minute if one of those babies is off to college– but most of the heavy-lifting parent work is finished.
You should be proud of yourselves. The fact that you have shipped your child off to college means that you’ve done well.
Anybody need a tissue?
Let’s begin with a list that includes several reasons why you have every right to do a bit of self-indulgent weeping for the next few weeks, especially if the child who's leaving is your youngest.
1. This is the end of an era for you. You will not be a full-time parent again, though you will most certainly always be a part-time one. But the door to your identity, to the way you view yourself, that used to be marked: MOTHER FIRST or FATHER FIRST has closed. You will realize very soon that full-time parenthood is not for keeps, it’s only a rental. You will realize that your time with your children is borrowed, leased, rented out, and now, that time is mostly over. As a sociologist pointed out to me while I was working on my book, "Beyond the Mommy Years," parents will know their children for much longer as independent adults than they will have known them as dependent children. Your child was a child for just 18 years, but she will be a grown up, or an almost-grownup for decades. You’ll have to start viewing your daughters and sons as near-adults, and not as large children who still depend on you for everything.
2. Your child no longer needs you very much, except for that checkbook and/or your credit cards.
3. If this is your youngest child, your house is about to become very very quiet. Also, cleaner and neater than it ever was before. This will make you happy, which will make you sad for thinking that way.
4. The absence of the child who is gone may feel like phantom limb pain, where something that’s gone still hurts somehow.
So, go ahead, grab some tissues. You've earned them!
More later about why this Grief Stage won't last very long. . .
Soon empty, I hope . . . I think
It is hard to know how you will feel until it happens, but I have been looking forward to having the house empty . . . I think.
Am I nuts?
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Am I nuts?
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An un-empty nester again!
First of all, I do love my oldest son ( he's almost 40). He is good looking, very intelligent very personable and very hard headed. He attended private school, went to a great college courtesy of the granparents , never graduated and finally retuned home because he couldn't pay his bills and,of course Mom helped out. He actually lived with us for almost 10 years, moved out a few years ago and now is back. He is a bartender and apparently a very good one except for one problem: he thinks he knows more than his bosses and either gets fired or quits. He had a medical problem and got behind on his bills, got laid off his seasonal job and ran out of money so he is back. He works at night, sleeps half the day and that makes me crazy. I can't make him leave, he is really broke at the moment. I do have faith that he will get back on his feet again, but I feel so bad that he has no wife family or anything. He is missing all the good things in life and even though he has a long distance girl friend, he is basically alone most of the the. I need some advise n how to motivate him to go search out some type of companionship and also to get a job without acting a though he is empowered to run the place - even though he is probably qualified to do so. I am so frustrated by his lifestyle and I think his is really lacking in self-esteem and that prevents him from pursuing the he should. Can someone give me some advise on how to address his problems with him as at the moment, he still knows everything. HELP!
Almost Empty Nest
I really hate that I'm about to be without kids at home. I've always felt energized by young people, but my youngest son joined the Navy almost 3 years ago. Now the youngest--my only daughter--is moving out soon. I'm just not prepared for the loneliness. The house is too darn quiet. My husband is here, but our relationship is not a close one. Maybe I should volunteer at the Children's Hospital.
New Here
Hi all, New here but have some in common with you I'm sure. I have one left at home. Some day she will decide to go out on her own. She's graduated but still here. Alot of the time I dont complain. She does have a job but also causes some problems. She has a full time job but with the cost of living shes not able to suport herself fully. She also has some health issues she hasnt learned how to deal with yet so am afraid she'll get herself into big problems. So until she gets herself together She's here for the time being. We've had 3 others leave the nest without any problems. They've gotten their lives together and are doing pretty well. We have one getting married next summer. Not sure what to do with our youngest to help her along. School would be good if she knew what she wanted to do. She tried doing that and quit cuz felt she was wasting money and time not knowing what she was going for. So got this job. And thats where we stand.
Will She NEVER Leave?
WOW! I'm surprised at how slow this forum is! There HAVE to be a LOT more folks out there with returning fledglings and such!
It's now been a year since our Darling Daughter (my step daughter) elbowed her way into our tiny little one bedroom, 2 room, empty nest cottage and took up residency in one corner of the living/dining room area. This space we had planned to use for my other half's craft tables and such with the adjoining space for my computer/electronics desk and table. That accounts for 1/2 the main room space with the rest taken up by our double recliner, TV, and my wheelchair. You almost need to go outside to have room to change your mind! As I was saying, it was into this incredibly tiny space our 21 year old moved in on us last year with a promise that it would only be for one month"Honestly Mommy, just 30 days! I swear it!", promised she. **sigh**
The last date she promised to move is next Saturday, but nothing is being done towards that happening and she left to be with her friends out of town this weekend so I doubt I'll find out anything till my other half gets home from work. **sigh again** I just LOVE being so included in everything... yea. Now I'm hearing from the mother of one of my daughter's friends that it'll be ANOTHER 4 MONTHS before I get my desk and living room (such as it is) back... not to mention our privacy and dignity!
Since she's been here she's worked 4 months over the Xmas holiday last year period. She smokes pot daily in place of the meds she should be taking for her bi-polar condition and drinks more than is healthy for anyone of any age.
I've been pretty much bed/wheel chair bound for some time now, and with the limited seating out there I usually end up the odd one out and am relegated to our bedroom 24/7. So night after night I listen to them laugh and carry on while I feel like a prisoner in my own home... And I'm at my whit's end.
Sorry to cry and complain about it in public like this but I just don't know what to do! Does ANYONE have ANY ideas?
It's now been a year since our Darling Daughter (my step daughter) elbowed her way into our tiny little one bedroom, 2 room, empty nest cottage and took up residency in one corner of the living/dining room area. This space we had planned to use for my other half's craft tables and such with the adjoining space for my computer/electronics desk and table. That accounts for 1/2 the main room space with the rest taken up by our double recliner, TV, and my wheelchair. You almost need to go outside to have room to change your mind! As I was saying, it was into this incredibly tiny space our 21 year old moved in on us last year with a promise that it would only be for one month"Honestly Mommy, just 30 days! I swear it!", promised she. **sigh**
The last date she promised to move is next Saturday, but nothing is being done towards that happening and she left to be with her friends out of town this weekend so I doubt I'll find out anything till my other half gets home from work. **sigh again** I just LOVE being so included in everything... yea. Now I'm hearing from the mother of one of my daughter's friends that it'll be ANOTHER 4 MONTHS before I get my desk and living room (such as it is) back... not to mention our privacy and dignity!
Since she's been here she's worked 4 months over the Xmas holiday last year period. She smokes pot daily in place of the meds she should be taking for her bi-polar condition and drinks more than is healthy for anyone of any age.
I've been pretty much bed/wheel chair bound for some time now, and with the limited seating out there I usually end up the odd one out and am relegated to our bedroom 24/7. So night after night I listen to them laugh and carry on while I feel like a prisoner in my own home... And I'm at my whit's end.
Sorry to cry and complain about it in public like this but I just don't know what to do! Does ANYONE have ANY ideas?
last one left
My last of three just went off to college we took him down to Duke university in n. Carolina Not a particularly social person. Most of my social life had been focused on my chilfren's activities. My son was the most social always having a lage number of friends over. (itwas my beief to allow my kids to use the house as a base for their activities this way i knew where they were and could bein a supervisory position while giving them a long rope. Confused about this transition. I do have grandchildren, but do to my health unable to be real active with them. just wondering about how others made this transition?
yichel
yichel
House Hunting
Hello to all my fellow empty nesters
I have been an empty nester for 3 years, and it does not get easy as the years pass, so I feel for all of you. I'm a proud parent of a wonderful 20 year old daughter who is away off to college, who still visits me monthly and calls weekly. I'm your friendly Realtor in Illinois who enjoys helping people and making new friends. I work for a family owned and operated real estate company that has been in business for 40 years at the same location, and I enjoy it.If you know of anyone in the Illinois area looking for real estate, please let me know or forward my information to them. I look forward to all of your comments.
Thanks again,
Marcy McCann
4B Realty
www.marcy_mccann@yahoo.com; www.marcymccann@yahoo.com
I have been an empty nester for 3 years, and it does not get easy as the years pass, so I feel for all of you. I'm a proud parent of a wonderful 20 year old daughter who is away off to college, who still visits me monthly and calls weekly. I'm your friendly Realtor in Illinois who enjoys helping people and making new friends. I work for a family owned and operated real estate company that has been in business for 40 years at the same location, and I enjoy it.If you know of anyone in the Illinois area looking for real estate, please let me know or forward my information to them. I look forward to all of your comments.
Thanks again,
Marcy McCann
4B Realty
www.marcy_mccann@yahoo.com; www.marcymccann@yahoo.com
