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ALL NEW MEMBERS!!!!
To All New Members,
I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to the Daily Humor group. We all are so happy you have decided to join us. Please feel free to share you funny jokes, stories, and videos with us. All we ask is that you keep it clean and nothing X-rated. Have a great time!!
The Manager!!!
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by WhisperingEagle 
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From Maxine
Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."....
Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My id ea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
More Maxine:
"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To error is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!) "
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."
Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My id ea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
More Maxine:
"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To error is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!) "
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."
A Modern Parable
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General
Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .
The End.
Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .
The End.
Cooking Basics
How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue?..
and then you add eggs and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
you get glue?..
and then you add eggs and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
Investment
If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..
Change
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
Where to Live After Retirement
You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING
ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, Mary Beth, ... etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"
AND
You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING
ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, Mary Beth, ... etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"
AND
You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Morning Moles
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
Math Problem
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining
room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18
years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of
math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining
room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18
years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of
math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."
