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I'm new to this. My name is Janice and I have come here to get a good laugh. I can never remember any to share and if I do I mess them up so bad they are not funny anymore. So please feel free to make me laugh anytime.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.................................. ........ 49
Adventurous............................. .... Slept with everyone
Athletic................................ ........ No breasts
Average looking............................ Moooo!
Beautiful............................... ....... Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure...................... On medication
Feminist................................ ...... Fat
Free Spirit.................................. . Junkie
Friendship first............................. Fo rme r Slut
New-Age................................. .... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned........................... ... No B.J.'s
Open-minded............................. .. Desperate
Outgoing................................ ..... Loud and embarrassing
Professional............................ .... Bitch
Voluptuous.............................. .... Very fat
Large frame................................. Hugely fat
Wants soul mate......................... Stalker

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes..................................... ...........No
No...................................... ...........Yes
Maybe............................ .... ............No
We need.................................... ....I want
I am sorry................................... ...You'll be sorry
We need to talk..............................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead..............................You better not
Do what you want..........................You will pay for this later
I am not upset...............................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight...................Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry...........I am hungry
I am sleepy........... I am sleepy
I am tired..............I am tired
Nice dress..............Nice cleavage!
I love you...........Let's have sex now
I am bored.......Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance...............I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime............I'd like to have sex w/you
Do you want to go to a movie........I'd like to have sex w/you
Can I take you out to dinner..........I'd like to have sex w/you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit.........................I'm gay

But it says they're going to report me to the AUTHORITIES

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee !
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck :
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push"
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."