groups

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers--those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on: no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine--and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

“ Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. ”
Ronald Reagan

“ Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. ”
Dave Barry

“ In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind. ”
Nora Ephron

“ I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. ”
Mae West

“ A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. ”
Burt Bacharach

“ A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. ”
Fred Allen

“ Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark? ”
Steven Spielberg

“ Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ”
Bill Cosby

“ When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. ”
Gracie Allen

“ I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. ”
Woody Allen

The following is a quote from a director of sports infor- mation in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism
Website and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on
TV,
so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a
list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa?
( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca
is
the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not.oh forget
it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come
naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is.oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don 't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population
is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South

African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good
pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

• Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1 bananosecond

# A bicycle can't stand-alone because it is two tired.

# What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

# Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

# A backward poet writes inverse.

# In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

# She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.