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Legal Logic??
As I sit me down and ponder,
I’m just now led to wonder
Why men go to war?
There’s a law against killing
Each other, but we’re willing
To generate a war!
Then we ignore legal hassle
And off we go to wrastle...
To kill and what for?
How silly it is to manufacture
Weapons to maim and fracture
People like we are.
But an idea that got me going,
That I’m writing for showing,
Is just another law.
We can’t make warring illegal,
But might be some legal beagle
Will grit his jaw.
And to whit: make it unlawful...
For soldiers when out in battle
To get wounded or die!
It’s just about as efficient as
Some laws already passed....
I wonder why?
I’m just now led to wonder
Why men go to war?
There’s a law against killing
Each other, but we’re willing
To generate a war!
Then we ignore legal hassle
And off we go to wrastle...
To kill and what for?
How silly it is to manufacture
Weapons to maim and fracture
People like we are.
But an idea that got me going,
That I’m writing for showing,
Is just another law.
We can’t make warring illegal,
But might be some legal beagle
Will grit his jaw.
And to whit: make it unlawful...
For soldiers when out in battle
To get wounded or die!
It’s just about as efficient as
Some laws already passed....
I wonder why?
Saying Goodbye To Mother
This came via Email from a friend. Pity the poor cat!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we’d put out,
scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the
night. So she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother,' she told him.
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we’d put out,
scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the
night. So she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother,' she told him.
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Love Locked
A poem just for you, Rlsco, and anyone who falls for ornamented mates. Hahaha!
I fell in love with a
liberated lady.
Things got pretty rough
so I guess maybe..
I should have left my
decorated baby.
Her body was stuck
securely to me...
Hitched by her jewelry
at hip and knee.
Where she’d been pierced
you’d never believe!
She had tattoos and body
piercings, you see.
So when I kissed her I got
liplock, indeed.
Deep throat kissing got
tongue lock for me.
I can’t just leave her...
You must agree,
I’m hooked on her at
lip, tongue and knee.
Caught on her naval like
a dog on a flea.
She’s a sweetheart, I know,
I’m love locked, unfree.
We’ll ever be one, we two,
now that we...are me.
Joined by body ornaments
like leaves on a tree.
I fell in love with a
liberated lady.
Things got pretty rough
so I guess maybe..
I should have left my
decorated baby.
Her body was stuck
securely to me...
Hitched by her jewelry
at hip and knee.
Where she’d been pierced
you’d never believe!
She had tattoos and body
piercings, you see.
So when I kissed her I got
liplock, indeed.
Deep throat kissing got
tongue lock for me.
I can’t just leave her...
You must agree,
I’m hooked on her at
lip, tongue and knee.
Caught on her naval like
a dog on a flea.
She’s a sweetheart, I know,
I’m love locked, unfree.
We’ll ever be one, we two,
now that we...are me.
Joined by body ornaments
like leaves on a tree.
Possible Answers to Questions That Need Answers
I really enjoy this group. It may help to be a Crabby Crank to have fun here, but it's the thought-filled posts that stimulate response...like Chicky's survey and inquisitive posts, and perhaps these thought provoking answers to some silly questions:
Q. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
A. That would have been Adam soon after the creation of Eve, and shortly after partaking the forbidden fruit. When their first child nursed on mother Eve, and Adam saw calves nursing on Mama cow’s dangly things, he soon got the “hang” of it. Real men have had fixations on breasts ever since. Perhaps subliminally considered another source of sustenance during seasons of famine.
Q. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
A. That would not have been Adam, who had better sense than to eat excrement. Perhaps one of his children saw a chicken giving birth to those thin-shelled globules and threw it at a hot rock, whereon the stuff that turned white from the heat turned out to be good for a hungry tummy. Lo and behold, the yellow stuff was pretty tasty, too!
Q. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
A. This is not rocket science after all, and because toaster rheostats are made to adjust to the consumer’s taste, it’s necessary to make them adjustable from untoasted to thoroughly burnt to a crisp. Not all carbonated toast is used for eating; it also provides an excellent blackening agent for Halloween makeup, etc..
Q. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A. Since refrigerators with freezers above the fridge are normally found in the kitchen, and most kitchens have an overhead light of considerable brightness, there’s no need for additional light in the freezer, whereas the fridge is at a lower level and in deep shadow, so additional light is required.
Q. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
A. Note that the song is more specific, stating that “I” don’t care. It follows that the song was written for others who did care.
Q. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
A. Not without a driver! It would be quite legal if the corpse were driving with other passengers in the vehicle.
Q. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
A. It’s called the suspension of reality...besides, he tried gluing a patch of palm fronds, but lacked the constituents for making proper glue...it dissolved in salt water.
Q. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
A. My suspicion is that it could be considered a highly offensive gesture given the variety of interpretive options.
Q. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
A. Oh, come on, is anyone really so self-centered as to think he hasn’t one or more patients waiting attention? Them doctors are busy people whatever their specialty.
Q. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
A. Two reasons: 1) artist’s license, 2) Goofy is more intelligent than Pluto...dresses better, too.
Q. What do you call male ballerinas?
A. Guys in skin tight clothing are called “dancing dudes” or “bouncing buddies” depending the gender of the observer. I find ballerinas much more attractive and to my liking...so I don’t “call” the males...ever.
Q. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
A. That wouldn’t have been comical...besides, the real challenge is in the chase, because, “Once you get what you want, you don’t want it anymore.”
Q. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
A. Much longer, and far more difficult!
Q. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
A. Stuff that won’t cause damage to babies, and might possibly be of some benefit to chafes and rashes.
Q. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A. Nope...it comes from constantly obeying your conscience even when you’d rather not.
Q. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
A. Definitely a people trap, but it’s likely operated by other people who rake in lots of “cheese” by pretending to be mice.
Q. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
A. It was easier than trying to create a new melody, or the new one got ripped off and used with other lyrics.
Q. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
A. Only when the letters are well distributed, they could mistake them for words if bunched up...might cause indigestion of the mind and migraine of the belly if not well stirred.
Q. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
A. Ever try treating as asteroid with Preparation H? I believe the H stands for hole, not asteroid.
Q. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
A. Simple logic...he’d rather breathe fresh air just like everyone else.
Q. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
A. Maybe not, but it sure absorbs a lot of impatience.
Enjoy............Urban
Q. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
A. That would have been Adam soon after the creation of Eve, and shortly after partaking the forbidden fruit. When their first child nursed on mother Eve, and Adam saw calves nursing on Mama cow’s dangly things, he soon got the “hang” of it. Real men have had fixations on breasts ever since. Perhaps subliminally considered another source of sustenance during seasons of famine.
Q. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
A. That would not have been Adam, who had better sense than to eat excrement. Perhaps one of his children saw a chicken giving birth to those thin-shelled globules and threw it at a hot rock, whereon the stuff that turned white from the heat turned out to be good for a hungry tummy. Lo and behold, the yellow stuff was pretty tasty, too!
Q. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
A. This is not rocket science after all, and because toaster rheostats are made to adjust to the consumer’s taste, it’s necessary to make them adjustable from untoasted to thoroughly burnt to a crisp. Not all carbonated toast is used for eating; it also provides an excellent blackening agent for Halloween makeup, etc..
Q. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A. Since refrigerators with freezers above the fridge are normally found in the kitchen, and most kitchens have an overhead light of considerable brightness, there’s no need for additional light in the freezer, whereas the fridge is at a lower level and in deep shadow, so additional light is required.
Q. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
A. Note that the song is more specific, stating that “I” don’t care. It follows that the song was written for others who did care.
Q. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
A. Not without a driver! It would be quite legal if the corpse were driving with other passengers in the vehicle.
Q. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
A. It’s called the suspension of reality...besides, he tried gluing a patch of palm fronds, but lacked the constituents for making proper glue...it dissolved in salt water.
Q. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
A. My suspicion is that it could be considered a highly offensive gesture given the variety of interpretive options.
Q. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
A. Oh, come on, is anyone really so self-centered as to think he hasn’t one or more patients waiting attention? Them doctors are busy people whatever their specialty.
Q. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
A. Two reasons: 1) artist’s license, 2) Goofy is more intelligent than Pluto...dresses better, too.
Q. What do you call male ballerinas?
A. Guys in skin tight clothing are called “dancing dudes” or “bouncing buddies” depending the gender of the observer. I find ballerinas much more attractive and to my liking...so I don’t “call” the males...ever.
Q. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
A. That wouldn’t have been comical...besides, the real challenge is in the chase, because, “Once you get what you want, you don’t want it anymore.”
Q. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
A. Much longer, and far more difficult!
Q. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
A. Stuff that won’t cause damage to babies, and might possibly be of some benefit to chafes and rashes.
Q. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A. Nope...it comes from constantly obeying your conscience even when you’d rather not.
Q. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
A. Definitely a people trap, but it’s likely operated by other people who rake in lots of “cheese” by pretending to be mice.
Q. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
A. It was easier than trying to create a new melody, or the new one got ripped off and used with other lyrics.
Q. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
A. Only when the letters are well distributed, they could mistake them for words if bunched up...might cause indigestion of the mind and migraine of the belly if not well stirred.
Q. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
A. Ever try treating as asteroid with Preparation H? I believe the H stands for hole, not asteroid.
Q. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
A. Simple logic...he’d rather breathe fresh air just like everyone else.
Q. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
A. Maybe not, but it sure absorbs a lot of impatience.
Enjoy............Urban
Fun With Little Johnny
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him..'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him..'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
Bad News
Sadly the Reader's Digest has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy, and may soon be a publication of the past. Does anyone have a plan to save it?...Petition Obama, maybe?? He's bailed out far less valuable failures.
Poem For Rlsco
LOVE LOCKED
I fell in love with a
liberated lady.
Things got pretty rough
so I guess maybe..
I should have left my
decorated baby.
But...
Her body was stuck
securely to me...
Hitched by her jewelry
at hip and knee.
Where she’d been pierced
you’d never believe!
No sir...
She had tattoos and body
piercings, you see.
So when I kissed her I got
liplock, indeed.
Deep throat kissing got
tongue lock for me.
So now...
I can’t just leave her...
You must agree,
I’m hooked on her at
lip, tongue and knee.
Caught on her naval like
a dog on a flea.
Epilogue...
She’s a sweetheart, I know,
I’m love locked, unfree.
We’ll ever be one , we two,
now that we are me.
Joined by body ornaments
like leaves on a tree.
© Urban 2009
I fell in love with a
liberated lady.
Things got pretty rough
so I guess maybe..
I should have left my
decorated baby.
But...
Her body was stuck
securely to me...
Hitched by her jewelry
at hip and knee.
Where she’d been pierced
you’d never believe!
No sir...
She had tattoos and body
piercings, you see.
So when I kissed her I got
liplock, indeed.
Deep throat kissing got
tongue lock for me.
So now...
I can’t just leave her...
You must agree,
I’m hooked on her at
lip, tongue and knee.
Caught on her naval like
a dog on a flea.
Epilogue...
She’s a sweetheart, I know,
I’m love locked, unfree.
We’ll ever be one , we two,
now that we are me.
Joined by body ornaments
like leaves on a tree.
© Urban 2009
Telephone Poles
Did anyone ever notice how quickly the telepone poles swish by at 70 miles per hour(MPH)? Of course the roads have improved since the 1930's when I was a lad. Such speeds were barely possible then, so it took longer to get from pole to pole. Still, the distance between poles was pretty much the same as now. Along the roads were guard rail posts as well. All of which got me to thinking...
One might equate the distance from pole to pole with the days in our lives. When we were young - back when dirt roads kept speeds at a more leasurely pace - the days went by slowly, like the telephone poles at 35 MPH.
As we got older and the roads were improved, the days went faster...like the poles got passed more quickly at 55 MPH. All being quite normal, we could hardly wait to get old enough to be on our own. That was when we noticed those guard rail posts zipping past, like measuring the minutes between telephone poles. And the telephone poles became weeks, then months, instead of days.
Then the months began to move past - like the poles - as fast as the guard rail posts use to. And, good grief, Charlie Brown, where have all those telephone poles gone??!! They pass so quickly, it's like I'm perpetually speeding way over 100 MPH!
Nowadays the telephone poles measure years rather than days, and the guard rail posts tick off micro seconds. Did anyone ever notice how much faster time seems to go as we age? I guess I shouldn't be telling anyone who hasn't noticed!!
One might equate the distance from pole to pole with the days in our lives. When we were young - back when dirt roads kept speeds at a more leasurely pace - the days went by slowly, like the telephone poles at 35 MPH.
As we got older and the roads were improved, the days went faster...like the poles got passed more quickly at 55 MPH. All being quite normal, we could hardly wait to get old enough to be on our own. That was when we noticed those guard rail posts zipping past, like measuring the minutes between telephone poles. And the telephone poles became weeks, then months, instead of days.
Then the months began to move past - like the poles - as fast as the guard rail posts use to. And, good grief, Charlie Brown, where have all those telephone poles gone??!! They pass so quickly, it's like I'm perpetually speeding way over 100 MPH!
Nowadays the telephone poles measure years rather than days, and the guard rail posts tick off micro seconds. Did anyone ever notice how much faster time seems to go as we age? I guess I shouldn't be telling anyone who hasn't noticed!!
What REALLY Cranks Me Up
Did anyone notice that the Congress of these U.S.of A is seeking to "Rein in Executive Pay"? WOW! I saw red when I saw the headline, so pissed that I didn't even read the article. If they'd really like to help the economy, why the Hector aren't they "Reining in" their OWN pay and benefits??? Man, am I cranked and crabby about THAT!!!
Seat Belt Mayhem
While recognized these days as ranking alongside the dog as man’s best friend, the automobile seat belt has recently become more and more troublesome to hitch. Seems the auto manufacturers
are doing all they can to make them harder to hook. This they do by putting the female receptacle below the seat, and the male insert far behind the shoulder. What’s wrong with these people?
Are they in cahoots with the police and the lawmakers who are cruising for folks not using seat belts as drivers or passengers? Are the city, town, or state coffers that low? Do manufactures even consider that we’re not all ideally shaped for this unwieldy safety equipment? Some of us can’t reach either end of the damn thing. Those who can have trouble with the hookup...stuff gets in the way so the male won’t go into the female!! Damn frustrating, I call it!
Even when all goes well, the belt that could save your life in an accident, may just choke you to death before you arrive at your destination. Sometimes they lock up, too, without an impact to prompt them, and you’re suddenly being crushed by the equipment, like the lifeguard who strangles the swimming victim tugging her to shore with a neck-hold. What’s the point of safety equipment that’s a safety hazard?
I make it a habit to always fasten my seat belt, but my 2nd best friend is fast becoming an enemy.
are doing all they can to make them harder to hook. This they do by putting the female receptacle below the seat, and the male insert far behind the shoulder. What’s wrong with these people?
Are they in cahoots with the police and the lawmakers who are cruising for folks not using seat belts as drivers or passengers? Are the city, town, or state coffers that low? Do manufactures even consider that we’re not all ideally shaped for this unwieldy safety equipment? Some of us can’t reach either end of the damn thing. Those who can have trouble with the hookup...stuff gets in the way so the male won’t go into the female!! Damn frustrating, I call it!
Even when all goes well, the belt that could save your life in an accident, may just choke you to death before you arrive at your destination. Sometimes they lock up, too, without an impact to prompt them, and you’re suddenly being crushed by the equipment, like the lifeguard who strangles the swimming victim tugging her to shore with a neck-hold. What’s the point of safety equipment that’s a safety hazard?
I make it a habit to always fasten my seat belt, but my 2nd best friend is fast becoming an enemy.
