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Catholic Jokes

Lets keep this post for all our jokes!

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was..

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
jas1377's profile
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Crusade of Prayer

Pray with others around the world for the intentions Jesus has given us through His messenger here on earth, Maria Divine Mercy. There are 27 prayers in the blog so you can pick out the ones you want to pray. view link
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Did you think I would ignore you?

Did you think I would ignore you until the Day of Judgment?

Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 @ 03:30 pm

My dearly beloved daughter, how joyful I am at the response of My followers to My great gift of a plenary indulgence for total absolution.
But how sad I am for those ungrateful hearts who reject My gift.
These souls fail to understand that only God the Father can sanction this gift of a plenary indulgence.
Whether it is given to the world through My Holy Vicar or Me, your Divine Savior, is not important.
What is important is that there is little time left in which to save the souls of mankind.
To those who question My word know that I am your Divine Savior speaking to you from Heaven.
Don’t you accept that I exist? That I wish to send you a message in these the end times?
Did you think I would ignore you until the Day of Judgment? That I would not prepare your souls by communicating with you in this way?
If you believe in Me, then you must believe in divine intervention. And if you don’t then you have not opened your hearts.
How do you know it is I?
I ask you to sit now and speak to Me privately. Ask me for the grace of the Holy Spirit and I will respond immediately to open and pure souls.
Put down your armor and allow Me to give you this special gift.
Know you offend Me when you reject My gifts. Does this mean, too, that you will reject My mercy?
Bow your heads and ask for forgiveness. When you come to me in humble gratitude I will enlighten you to the truth.
When you open your eyes to the truth your tears of understanding will pour forth and you will thank Me, finally, for My great gift of absolution.

Your Divine Savior
Jesus Christ
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Virgin Mary Calls for day of prayer and fasting

Virgin Mary Calls for day of prayer and fasting to prepare for The Warning

Monday, January 30th, 2012 @ 01:00 pm

This Message was received by Maria Divine Mercy after two separate apparitions of the Virgin Mary – one which took place at midnight January 29 and the second at 13.00 hours on Monday January 30 2012 during which the Virgin Mother appeared very sorrowful throughout.

My child, while my Son comes now to cover the whole world with His rays of Mercy it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that many people will die during The Warning.
Pray, pray, pray for their souls.
You, my child must ask all of the followers of these divine messages to allocate tomorrow Tuesday, 31 January 2012 as a special day of prayer.
On this day you must recite the Most Holy Rosary and the Divine Mercy prayer.
Where possible everyone must try and fast during this day. In this way more souls, especially those in mortal sin, at the time of death can be saved by the mercy of my beloved Son Jesus Christ.
I cry tears of sorrow for those poor people who have no idea how much pain and anguish their sins cause my Son.
The joy of the gift that my Son now brings the world is tinged with sadness for those who cannot be saved by their own choice.
The lies which will spring and spread all over the world by dark souls after The Warning takes place must be stopped through your prayers.
Pray that no one will deny my Son’s Divine Mercy during or after The Warning. For every soul lost to such lies is a soul that will be seized by the evil one.
Spread conversion everywhere children. Accept that I am the Co-Redemptrix and Mediatrix working closely with my beloved Son Jesus Christ to save all souls from eternal ruination.
My love for you children is very strong. I plead for mercy for each soul every second of the day by begging My Father for clemency.
But children you must help by joining with me in prayer and sacrifice to help all of God’s children enter the gates of the New Paradise.

Your Heavenly Mother
Mother of Salvation
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Virgin Mary: Wicked plan within The Vatican

Virgin Mary: Wicked plan within The Vatican to destroy the Catholic Church

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012 @ 09:50 am

My child, perseverance is needed by all God’s children during this time of apostasy in the world.
So few believe in their Divine creator, My Father, God the Most High.
They will see the truth shortly but many will still argue that there is no God. Much prayer is needed now children.
Pope Benedict XVI is being plotted against within his own corridors by an evil sect.
This sect is known to exist among those sacred servants within The Vatican yet they are powerless against this evil group which has infiltrated the Catholic Church for centuries.
They are responsible for twisting the truth of My Son’s teachings. So little is known about them or their vile works.
They have driven the true doctrine from the Catholic Church and in its place a lukewarm, watered down version has been force fed to Catholics over the last forty years.
So much confusion has been spread by this wicked but hidden sect that my children have wandered away from the true church.
Pray that they do not drive the Pope away.
Pray that the false prophet will not take the seat of the Holy Father so that he can spread lies.
Pray that those sacred servants in the Vatican are strong enough to withstand this evil plot designed to destroy the Catholic Church.
They plan to replace the Holy Vicar Pope Benedict XVI with a dictator of lies. He will create a new church in league with the anti-Christ and his group in order to deceive the world.
Sadly, many of my children will be, in their allegiance to the Catholic faith, follow blindly this new false doctrine like lambs to the slaughter.
Wake up children to the truth. This wicked plan has changed the fundamental authenticity of the Catholic doctrine over the years.
You insult My Son when you receive the Holy Eucharist in the hand.
This was their doing.
You insult My Son when you do not seek the regular Sacraments. Yet those whom you rely on for these do not ensure your spiritual well-being because they do not make the sacraments available to all.
My child, a great evil, hidden for centuries in the corridors of the Holy See will shortly emerge for the world to see. Those of my children who are covered with the Holy Spirit will see the truth when the wicked lie is presented to the world.
Others will follow blindly down a dark alley.
Great division will emerge within the ranks of priests, bishops, archbishops and cardinals. One side against the other.
Those true disciples will have to hide and preach privately or else be killed.
So hidden will the true church be that the true faithful will have to bind together in order to practice their allegiance to My Eternal Father.
The earth will shake in every corner caused by the wrath of My Heavenly Father against this travesty.
My child they cannot win. It will be by the faith and courage of the remnants of the Christian faith that will result in these wicked imposters being destroyed forever.
Await now and prepare for the Catholic Church to announce these changes.
Then you will know the truth of what I tell you.
Pray, pray, pray for Pope Benedict and his true disciples.

Your beloved Mother
Mother of Salvation
MrGroceries's profile
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Penmanship in School

We started learning the Palmer method of cursive writing in the first grade. We began with exercises of lines going up and down to practice the correct slant of our writing and circular hoop-like exercises presumably to achieve the right dimensions of the spaces on our "o"s, "a"s and other letters with openings.

The we actually learned all the letters, one at a time until we mastered all of them small case and capitals alike, with Sister watching over us sternly.

Now cursive writing is hardly taught. Too bad.
gorillagaurd's profile

God speaks to the nations of the world: 01/08/2012

You are being given 2 visions of the future of the earth; the kingdom of the Divine Will of my Father, or the kingdom of Satan, allowed by my Father, as a chastisement for rejecting my mercy. The Holy Scripture describes these kingdoms to you. Listen to the words of the prophet Isaiah, describing the first vision:

For behold I create new heavens, and a new earth; and the former things shall not be in remembrance, and they shall not come upon the heart…And I will rejoice in Jerusalem, and joy in my people, and the voice of weeping shall be no more heard in her, nor the voice of crying. There shall no more be an infant of days there, nor an old man that shall not fill up his days: for the child shall die a hundred years old, and the sinner being a hundred years old shall be accursed. And they shall build houses, and inhabit them; and they shall plant vineyards, and eat the fruit of them. They shall not build, and another inhabit; they shall not plant, and another eat: for as the days of a tree, so shall be the days of my people, and the works of their hands shall be of a long continuance. My elect shall not labor in vain, nor bring forth in trouble; for they are the seed of the blessed of the Lord, and their posterity with them. And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will hear; as they are yet speaking, I will hear. The wolf and the lamb shall feed together; the lion and the ox shall eat straw; and the dust shall be the serpent’s food: they shall not hurt nor kill in all my holy mountain, saith the Lord. (Isaiah 65:17-25)

This is a description of the era of peace or the seventh day of creation promised by my Eternal Father to mankind. This is not the era of peace or new age promised by the false religions of the new age developed in the pits of hell. This era of peace brings a partial fulfillment to the prayer which I taught my disciples:

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. (Matthew 6:9-13)

The final fulfillment of this prayer will take place at the end of human history. This is when I will return in the flesh for the last judgment. Death, hell, and all those who reject my mercy will be cast into the pool of fire for eternity. The righteous, or those who repented and accepted my mercy, will live with the Holy Trinity for eternity, in the eternal eighth day of creation. This is my desire for all of mankind. The reason I was born was to destroy the works of the devil (I John 3:8) and redeem mankind from sin and separation from the Divine Will. In the beginning, the Divine Will created man in the image of God.

And God created man to his own image: to the image of God he created him: male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27).

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But the first humans, Adam and Eve believed the lies of Satan and rejected the Divine Will. Henceforth, sin and death came into your world. Human history is the result of mankind rejecting the Divine Will of the Holy Trinity. Wars, famine, natural disasters, and disease are a result of the rejection of the Divine Will.

But the Divine Will loves humanity so much, I, the second person of the Divine Will took on human flesh and became man.

For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him may not perish, but may have life everlasting. (John 3:16)

I, Jesus Christ was born of the Virgin Mary in humble conditions for your salvation. I lived, taught, healed, and walked amongst humanity for 33 years. Then, I was crucified, died, buried, and rose from the dead for your salvation. I cried out to my Father on the cross:

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34)

I prayed this prayer for each human person who would ever be born. This includes each of you reading this message. I paid the penalty completely for your sin and rebellion against the Divine Will. All I ask of you is to: Repent of you sins and accept my mercy and forgiveness. Then read what the scripture tells you:

If then any be in Christ a new creation, the old things are passed away, behold all things are made new. (2 Corinthians 5:17). And putting on the new, him who is renewed unto knowledge, according to the image of him that created him. (Colossians 3:10)

The gift of the Divine Will is given through repentance and forgiveness through my Divine Mercy. Then, you are living as the Divine Will created you to live. I instituted my church, The Holy Catholic church as my messenger to the world. For I am Jesus; the head of the church. The Holy Catholic church brings the Divine Will to mankind through its teachings, sacraments, and prayers. To those who are not Catholic or do not know me, I say to you, I am, Jesus, The Divine Mercy of the Divine Will. Repent, ask for forgiveness of your sins, and pray to the Holy Spirit who will guide you into all truth. I have given you my Mother Mary as an intercessor for you. Pray to her, for her mission is to lead you to her son Jesus. If you do not know how to pray, simply say, Lord be merciful to me a sinner and receive my mercy and forgiveness. The fulfillment of the Divine Will is to dwell in the souls of mankind. This is our desire. Is this your desire?

There will be no peace on earth until mankind acknowledges and accepts the Divine Will.

Now, listen to the Apocalypse describe the second vision:

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And power was given him over every tribe, and people, and tongue, and nation….And he shall make all, both little and great, rich and poor, freemen and bondmen, to have a character in their right hand, or on their foreheads. And that no man might buy or sell, but he that hath the character, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. (Apocalypse 13:7, 16, 17)

The sins of your generation, without repentance, will bring the justice of God on your earth. This will be a punishment for rejecting the Divine Will. An event will happen which will be a warning to mankind to repent and accept the Divine Will. This has been called the warning or illumination of conscience.

Behold, he cometh with the clouds, and every eye shall see him, and they also that pierced him. And all the tribes of the earth shall bewail themselves because of him. Even so. Amen. (Apocalypse 1:7)

This verse describes the warning. All of humanity will see my cross and suffering in the sky. At that moment, every person will see their sins and the current state of their soul. Also, your eternal destination and judgment will be revealed to you, as if it occurred, at that moment. You will then know the truth of the Divine Will. You will be given an opportunity to repent. If you repent and accept my mercy, your sins will be forgiven. This event will take place because of my Divine Mercy and Divine love for each person who is alive on your earth.

If mankind refuses the Divine Mercy of the warning, a chastisement greater than the flood will occur. My Father will allow Satan to establish the kingdom of an antichrist to punish mankind for rejecting the Divine Will. Your nations will be subjugated, your freedoms lost, with persecution and death to all who oppose this satanic kingdom. The demons of hell will be unchained and then My Father will cause the earth to undergo three days of darkness whereby the world will be cleansed of sin and the powers of hell. All those rejecting the Divine Will, without repentance, will be cast into hell until the final judgment. After the three days of darkness, the era of peace and the kingdom of the Divine will, will reign on earth as it is in heaven.

I warn you again you have a choice. Repent and enter the era of peace or reject the Divine Will and suffer the justice of the Divine Will of the Holy Trinity. The choice is each of yours today. Be like Joshua and say,

But if it seem evil to you to serve the Lord, you have your choice: choose this day that which pleaseth you, whom you would rather serve, whether the gods which your fathers served in Mesopotamia or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell: but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15)

The Divine Will gives you the same choice today. Reject the lies and the false gods of your day or face the justice of the Divine Will of the Holy Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Divine Mercy and Divine Love of Jesus Christ brings these words to you today.

Amen.
MrGroceries's profile

Virgin Mary: Temporary peace in the world if dark

Sunday, January 1st, 2012 @ 03:00 pm

My child time is close but my children must show patience. Everything is going to be according to the Holy Will of My Father.
Children you must realize that the forces of evil in your world threaten your faith in God the Father. These evil forces will not win for they have no power over My Heavenly Father. Yet they will torment their fellow brothers and sister through murder, war and control.
Pray that these dark souls see the light of my Son soon. If they do see and convert during The Warning then there will be a temporary peace on earth.
My Son, Jesus Christ, for whom all souls need to rely on for salvation, is impatient to bring to mankind His Great Mercy.
Pray hard my children for the salvation of these dark souls who may not survive The Warning.
These poor souls will be terrorized not only when they witness their sins but when they see the darkness in which they are in. This darkness has clouded their souls so much that the light of my Son’s mercy will make them feel weak and powerless.
Many will be too weak to grasp the mercy My Son will offer them.
Pray for these souls I urge you. My son is determined to save these souls first. He needs more prayer children. You must beg for mercy for these darkened souls.
My child ask my children to dedicate this Crusade of Prayer to me, The Mother of Salvation

“Oh immaculate heart of Mary
Mother of Salvation and Mediatrix of all Graces
You who will participate in the salvation of humanity
From the wickedness of Satan
Pray for us
Mother of Salvation pray that all souls can be saved
and accept the love and mercy shown by your Son
Our Lord Jesus Christ who comes once again to save Humanity
and to give us the chance of eternal salvation. Amen.”

Your beloved Mother
Mother of Salvation
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Mary as Mediatrix – by Father Cummings

Seeing in the gospel today Mary’s beautiful song of praise and thanksgiving to the Lord, it reminded me that we’re almost midway between the greatest Marian Feasts we have on our calendar, December eight, the feast of the Immaculate Conception, and the feast of Mary the Mother of God, January first. So perhaps it’s a good moment to remind ourselves of why we have such a great devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I’m sure all of you pray to her all the time, but why? Is it perhaps just because it’s part of Catholic tradition, because it’s what you’ve grown up doing, what you’ve gotten used to doing, a habit? That certainly wouldn’t be the best reason for praying to the Blessed Virgin Mary. You have to ask yourself, why is it part of Catholic tradition, why is it such an intimate part of our Catholic tradition? We might answer, well, because God decreed it, God wished it so. God revealed that we’re to go to Him through Christ and to Christ through her, just as He gave His only Son to the world through her. It was His plan, and the Church has constantly taught that it was His plan, that Mary was an essential part of His plan of salvation. But still if we stopped at that, because God decreed it and the Church teaches it, therefore we must do it, out of more or less blind obedience, without asking again, why did God decree it, then perhaps we don’t still have as firm a footing, as we could, in our devotion to the Blessed Virgin.

Why then did God include her, make her such an essential part of the plan of salvation? The answer seems to be because we need her, because We need her. And that’s important because so often when we defend this doctrine against those who don’t believe it, we get caught up because, why should God need mediators? That’s what many of our non-Catholic sisters and brothers say. Why does God need mediators? He doesn’t, obviously, He’s all powerful. But that’s not the point. The point is we need mediators, We need them. And that’s brought home beautifully in this little excerpt from a letter from a holy Cistercian to one of his brothers, writing to him saying, “You tell me in your letter what damage the world does to you. I believe it. You’re made of flesh, and the world drags you about by your passions and ties you up to ruin your spirit and matter triumphs….It does you damage, I know it, but you have to fight and you will win.” And then he adds, “What else is the Most Holy Virgin Mary for?”

That’s why we have her, because we need her so much. And therefore it’s only the humble who realize; yes, God can do all things. He has no need of helpers, it’s we who have need of helpers and we would not be able to respond to all of His graces, we would not be able to persevere as we ought, we would not be able to love God as we ought if we didn’t have the help of the angels and the saints and especially the Blessed Virgin Mary.
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Pray as you have never prayed before

Spoken to Christ’s chosen messenger, Maria Divine Mercy

Sunday, December 18th, 2011 @ 03:10 pm
My dearest daughter those people who are so far removed from Me are My main concern.
Every effort must be made by My followers to spread My prayer given to you to My Eternal Father begging for immunity for their soul (crusade prayer 13)

“Oh Heavenly Father through the love of your beloved Son Jesus Christ whose passion on the cross saved us from sin. Please save all those who still reject His hand of Mercy. Flood their souls, dear Father, with your token of love. I plead with you Heavenly Father, hear my prayer and save these souls from eternal damnation. Through your mercy allow them to be the first to enter the New Era of Peace on Earth. Amen.”

I urge all believers who read these My holy messages given to the world to pray as you have never prayed before.
I need your devotion to ensure that all My children accept My gift with love and joy in their hearts.
They must not be fearful for I come with a gift of Love and Mercy.
Your Jesus
Redeemer and Savior of all Mankind
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