Eons: View message "Never listen to a sick person... " in Caregivers Group

Message 191 of 1205

Never listen to a sick person...

One of the first things my husband's doctor told me about my husband and his dementia was not to listen to a sick person.

It starts with when you suspect something is wrong and you say "I think I'll call the doctor.." and they say "No, I am fine..." to the nasty, hurtful things that people say.

Part of the reason you have to get through this as a caregiver is that the upper frontal part of the brain where the social filters reside is the area that seems to go first. So, if he gets a thought in his head, he says it without any manners or leveling of degree, etc. Over the years, I have heard it all - believe me...

So I repeat this over and over..."the doctor said it's not him anymore" and I wait for when he looks into my eyes and says thank you or that he loves me, etc... and remember that.

This caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint so you just have to somehow find some humor in it and shake it off or you will be caring for someone that you may love but not like.

This person - your parent - loved you and still does but maybe just can't get over what is happening to them and you are close and get the brunt of it...you may be the only person left that truly cares and puts the caring into action.

Forgive and forget or tell us about it - but let it go.

posted by HippyGirl52

i have to agree it will eat at you if you take everything they say serious, and then your feelings are hurt and it's hard to get over that.

posted by happywalker
3 months ago

It has been twenty (20) years since my Mother has been gone and it took me a good part of 20 years to know and fully understand what you just wrote. I will never, as long as I live, get over her asking me to cook her some breakfast one morning. She was being admitted to the hospital that day, I had bathed her , she was in good spirits and we still did not have a complete understanding of her illness. She said she would like to have some scrambled eggs and toast. Off I went to the kitchen and quickly returned with eggs and toast in hand, with a glass of OJ . I propped her up in her bed and sat down next to her and she went off on me like a rat on cheese. "Where's my Bacon, and where's this and where's that, and she threw the entire plate of food against the wall !!!!!!!!! I was not only stunned but completely beside myself. This was not my Mother!

Please listen to Hippygirls' valuable words. DO NOT take this type of behavior personally or seriously. It is the illness taking over, I was destroyed for several years over this one incident, God Bless my sweet Mother.

posted by ChefJan
3 months ago

I think part of the hurt is that these behaviors are so unexpected. When Alice threw the sandwich at me I was shocked and hurt. I walked into the hall and said a prayer for the strength to simply get through the day. By the time she screamed at me (I was called lots of vulgar names) for putting cheese on the cheeseburger she asked for - well I had learned enough to understand that her illness sometimes had a louder voice than her heart. I wish someone had told me these kinds of behaviors are not an uncommon experience with dementia.