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annieoak,
Actually, it sounds to me like you have EXACTLY the right attitude about it all

A long time ago I met a guy who asked me out and on the whole date he introduced me as his fiance, and even called my mother and asked her if I could go on his boat, and I was 30 years old, that was after my first divorce, I ran and hid til he stopped calling, Thank god he finally took the hint and quit calling me. I hate clingy men, I think they have some sort of insecurtiy problems, no it's not just you, I think they call them stalkers now, Forget it. CC

I can empathize with you. I haven't met a man yet who can be friends first without talking about sex...It seems they still value sex as a measure of love. I don't know an answer but I do run into the same problem so it is not you. I feel that was also, am I sending out the wrong signals? Then when you do get someone to be friends and they meet another women the other woman eoos them away because she either , well her standards are different. Trying to convince men that being a man is more than the size of their favorite body part. I wish they would learn it takes more than sex to make a man...Good luck..your friend sounds controlling..think before you leap..

Oh I can so understand! When I don't understand, it's my nature to dig and dig till I find the answer and to your (our) problem on this one I believe I have the answer.
1. Men are territorial
2. Men must validate their abilities, be it in bed or on a project (getting you to feel the same as they do)
3. They are impatient (some more than others)depending on age.
4. anything can crush their ego in a relationship.

Friends first can mean just one date..so be careful how you act. More time can mean one or two days (not months) As they get older they realize time is running out. Some and I say some; not all men that I've dated have acted this way.

They will tell you how much they love you and want you and care for you until... you violate the standard and tell them you want more time ~~(Why, what for?) They've made up their minds and life is going by...Why should you know them better? (that is the way one guy explained it to me) Took me out and presented me to all his friends as his girl at a Christmas party. we had had a total of three dates. Then he wanted to move in; lost his temper; and I showed him the door.

I sure hope no one thinks this is a guy bashing post because I've known women who have done exactly the same thing to men. Including myself.

I believe possessiveness is a common problem when a person has been in a long term relationship that began when they were very young or without having had much experience dating a lot before making a commitment.

My first husband was the only man I'd ever been kissed by or dated. We were married nearly 20 years. The first man I went out with after the divorce, was the man I stayed with until his death in 1997. I was 47 years old before I went on my first date that didn't evolve into a long term relationship.

I did not realize until then, that I had a problem getting easily attached to someone and being very flexible as to who they were. My first marriage was long, but based more on codependency than real love. My second..was the best that any two people could ever have.

Call it chemistry, or love... many of us think we can tell immediately and plunge head first. The backlash is always painful, but more so when we didn't learn about it when we were young. :-)

I agree with you Annie. Good things come with time and should not be rushed. I would run like the wind from anyone who decided they were going to define my life for me. Nor I, them. The reason it is so hard for people to understand, is because we have acted impetuously all our lives and forget to consider being a couple cannot be a self centered act. ;-)

Whenever I find someone whom I think is trying to take advantage of me or going too fast, I let them know that I don't think it's a good idea to keep seeing each other

Ed

Could it be, that men think the "friends" word means you are not really attracted to them and so they want to find out right away if there is an attraction or not?

Have you ever seen this before? I read the whole 12 pages tonite. I know it is supposed to be a dumb website, but it got me to thinking. It may have some validation to it.

view link

How do we say, I find there is an attraction with you, but I want to develop a real love and friendship with you first, before rushing into anything? I think we have to acknowedge the attraction maybe, or men become afraid of what you mean by "friend". I don't know. It confuses me too.

I think Ladydulcinea explained it very well. Only through the dating and mistakes are we able to understand. Thank you Lady and no it's not a male bashing thing. I've seen it work both ways too in the last 12 years I've been divorced.

Yes, some of it is co-dependency and the fear of being alone. (My own daughter has had to learn that the hard way)
Thank you for posting your comments and lets learn from each other's experiences??

A lot of men I've seen do not know that a relationship is a process, sort of like reading a book. For me, I like to read the beginning first; same thing in a relationship. You can acknowledge the attraction, but it's tricky getting another person to go forward at your own speed. My experience has been that they either want it all NOW or nothing else. In addition, as we age, sometimes men think they want sex but then have trouble doing much about it. That can be a big letdown, too. Some men who have been married to the same woman for a long time do not know how to approach a new woman sexually. They get all caught up in 'performance anxiety' instead of just going with the flow. I've also experienced the possessiveness/jealousy aspect, too, which will make me run and hide.

I believe that the "rules" of how the relationship is going to progress have to be "reviewed" often with some people - be it male or female. Some people because of past experiences, or current needs, or fear of their future just don't get it. So casual reminders are necessary.

I also believe that when we meet someone we really like, someone we want to get to know better, we make the mistake of being too available. I'm not saying to play games, but we need to keep our own identity, our own life & not make them the center of it until we're ready.