He began to answer me but still never spoke first to me. I just kept talking at him when he was here, just like I did the other kids. His sister is a huge momma figure for one so young. but they all would take turns asking me questions for him. He was never rude or disrespectful. It has only been the last six months he has started speaking first, asking if he can use the laptop etc.
He has never let up on his quest to make my son go away. My son stayed. And is still there. Kevin has caused so many problems for them and himself. And I understand where it comes from and so does my son and dil. My son hasn't always made it easy but he has always given his best. He encourages Kevin to sign up for things, sports etc. After my son and wife put out money, more than once, for what he wanted to do, he would refuse to do it. They gave it their best shot and he fought them all the way. He's a kid. No drugs, no alcohol.
I know he was looking at porn on my laptop recently. I left him here, believing I could trust him alone for a short time (he is 16 and needs a sitter). Now it's not the fact that he downloaded it on my laptop, it's the trust and respect factor. This is my computer. I trusted him to use it appropriately. I felt he should have respected my stuff. I didn't take him with me for the first time.
Irregardless of what you think of what he did, my question is this, should I be the one to talk to him about it? Or should his mom and my son be the ones to speak to him? He has done this at their home and denied it every time. (no there is no one else who could have done it, trust me) They have a hard time with him regarding this. I don't want a hard time with him.
Perhaps they should be here when I speak to him about it? What I am going to say to him really won't require him to say anything. I just don't know. If he hates me he hates me. He won't but he will be embarassed. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable being around me but i can't help that. My son and I were/are very open with each other and can discuss anything. Kevin is not my son so I'm not sure of what I should do.
I have no plan at this moment to punish him for it. Or should I? I'm just no sure where to go with this. My son and dil already know what he did here and will go along with what I think is best. Problem comes in, I am not sure what is best.
He's 17 in Aug. He's a male, he's got them ol' raging hormones going on.
Any ideas, thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated here. My dil and I have a really good relationship fortunately
peace baby
Lily
tough one lil. I'd not let him use your computer and explain why. But making a bigger deal of it than that could backfire.
I agree with Sue. Don't make it into WW2.
Your house! your rules! I wouldn't let him use the computer again, but I would tell him exactly why. If you want to be treated as a young adult, then there are responsibilities that go with that. You have to act like a young adult.
People can agree or disagree, there MUST be rules and discipline.
Your house! Your rules!
As an added VALID reason for avoiding porn sites is the risk of viruses from sites like that. Gee, I don't know HOW I found that out! but it's true. Good Luck!
Ciao! SBQ
Explain that curiosity is normal and healthy. Pornography is litterally "writing in regards to prostitutes" explain what prostitutes are. Explain that those sights encourage prostitution and abhorent portrayals of women and men conducting sexual acts. Ask him to make a statement regarding "why he is interested in women or men who exploit the sexual act or sexuality for gain or profit. Then take it from there. Arousal and gratification need not be a factor. Just mention topics related to sexual expression - don't try to influence a "correct" answer. Let him ask questions and examine himself in regards to the viewing of photographs. Does he find them glamorous or shameful? What images do they portray?
Go along those lines and you should come to an understanding. Then share any opinions you have about how pornography depicts women as "objects of exploitation" or whatever your views are.
I hope this helps.
thank you. The punishment is hard because it is the first time I've had a problem with him.
I will take computer away for the next two trips here. usually Saturdays. Nor will he be allowed to stay here alone for awhile, not sure how long but.... will take it as I see it.
I want it to be more about respecting me than the porn. and will work it out before I talk to him.
ah geez that leads me to another question, later though
kids, ya gotta love 'em.
peace baby
Lily
CafeCasita is correct, as usual---when I caught my kids with porn magazines we had a long talk about respecting women and not necessarily about the porn. Humanize it. I guess it's harder to explain why the women who pose don't respect themselves but there's always the stories about those who were desperate and did it just for money. There will always be a market for sex--everywhere in the world. Remember that the US was settled by the Puritans and it had an impact to this day. The raging hormones are a HUGE factor. But the last thing you want is for him to turn into some deviant--he needs to have a healthy respect and enjoyment of sex as an adult.
Sounds like the boy could use some conseling. Since he has been trying to push your son out of the picture - he may feel abandoned from his real Dad & is just trying to hurry along the process that he believes is going to happen eventually. It probably wouldn't hurt if his Mom & your son went too. It sounds like he is headed for trouble with the lying & such so they need to get to the root of it now before a patrol car brings him home or worse.
when you don't let him use the computer, hand him a magazine. tell him his interests are NORMAL (as I'm sure he feels NOTHING he thinks is normal) but you don't want to risk viruses on your laptop. Magazine stays at your house.
I'm on the fence about explaining that those women aren't normal...that women who respect themselves...blahblahblah because it's the stimulus not the 'roles' they play. I'd rather have him 'stimulated' by bimbos than housewives and mothers. (ragin' hormones and all) At least at this point in his life.
I think he really needs to feel this is normal for his age. No one ever made me feel anything but ODD when I was a teen. . and looking back..I was so normal. . I now cringe!!
Therapy wouldn't hurt.
My mother myself and her companion book for the mens by nancy friday might give you some inkling. . . maybe not.
BEST to you!
Cat
