I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Oh my goodness....just 3 weeks ago. I know your heart feels like it's being ripped apart. You really are probably still in shock. I think it's good for you to try Compassionate Friends. I never went to any of their meetings, but I get their newsletter once a month. I know you feel like a zombie, you are right now! I would gladly talk with you over the phone if you feel like that would help. Just private message me. I have unlimited long distance, so that wouldn't be a problem.
I lost my 16 year old son Chris in a single car accident on 11/15/03. It will be 5 years this November. It seems just like yesterday. He had so much life left to live. I know you feel that way about your daughter also. There is a hole in my heart. It will never heal. Since Chris was the only one involved in the accident, I don't have anyone to blame except him. So I don't have to deal with the blame issues like you do. I can imagine that that would be hard. I watched a show on 20/20 last week about forgiveness. One of the stories was about the mother of a girl who's boyfriend was a policeman and he killed her and she was 8 or 9 month pregnant. The girl also had a 3 year old son by the man. The boy kept saying "Mommy broke the table" and "Mommy was wrapped up in a rug". I'm saying that to see if you remember it cause I can't remember their names. But anyway.....the mother of the girl has custody of the little boy. At the policeman's sentencing (he was convicted of her murder) the mother of the murdered girl FORGAVE the man who killed her daughter. She said she had to forgive him in order to go on with her life and not be consumed with the hatred. ***Bobby Cutts was the man and Jessie Davis was the name of the girlfriend. I just thought of it.***
Here's a link to it:
view linkMy whole point of saying all of that is to not get consumed with the anger. Deal first with your grief. There will be time for anger later. Will there be charges filed against the person that was driving? I can also see the side that there could be healing from going through a trial. Your mind will be focused on that rather than the grief. I don't think it replaces the grief, but just keeps you occupied so it isn't front and center in your mind. Do what feel right for you.
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They say there are 5 stages of grief. They are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
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My advice to you is to be especially gentle with yourself. Do EXACTLY what you want to do...no more, no less. Deal with the daily stuff for your daughters, but don't try to be super mom. Allow yourself time to grieve. Read books about grief, talk to friends and family. Find outlets to keep you busy....gardening, watching your girls play sports or dance classes. Take a class yourself. Cook, read, volunteer at school, take a bath, go for a walk, exercise, or take a nap. I spent a lot of time looking at other people's websites who had lost a child. I kept up with Chris's friends through MySpace and Facebook and AIM. I made a website for Chris. That helped a lot in my healing. I'll give you the website if you want it. Don't let people decide for you about cleaning your daughter's closet or packing up her stuff. Do that in your own time!
Please email me or private message me if you'd like to talk!!!!
Big hugs!
Terri
