I truely feel dead inside. Married for 25yrs two grown children my husband walks. I was a stay at home mom and haven't a clue what to do. For the las 9 years I have lived on my settelment, I guess wollowing in self pitty. But after 9 years of wollowing Im so far stuck I don't know how to get up. I've gained 80 pounds and have nothing to look forward to but death, and that really scares me.
Well I am proud of you you are doing something now....
there are a lot of people out there in this big world that are wanting to just be a good friend and to have a good friend
You will do fine in your next quest in life I have been widowed 2 times and my world seemed to just fall apart but I pulled up the old bootstraps and went on.... you will too...
don't worry about the extra 80 lbs...you will shed it too just eat a breakfast at home and put on sensible shoes and make yourself walk at the mall every day for an hour be careful but look and listen do not eat the mall food....ha ha
then go home and if there is anything in the house of x-hubby's stick it in a box and tell the kids you take what you want because Mom's starting over and this stuff goes....
BlueBlue, change your thinking and the rest will follow.......don't get caught up in negativity or think that just because your husband left and you've gained weight that you are unworthy. If you make up your mind to move on...You will!! Start with baby steps. Put your shoes on and go for a walk, start listening to some upbeat music, surround yourself with positive friends, get some counseling if you need further support, just do something!!! Life isn't over and I am sure you have a lot of wonderful qualities......get out there and show the world and yourself that you are a Survivor!!!
The Journey of a Thousand Miles begins with just One Step!!! take that step......... best wishes for your new life......it starts today!!!
Blueblue don't remain negative. It takes tiny baby steps to get out of the rut you are in. I remember it well years ago. Lose your lbs and start feeling better about yourself and when you do something in a months time for yourself, pamper your feet or go get your nails done or have a friend do them and laugh. Or even better when you lose several lbs. treat yourself to a ice cream cone for you are worth it. Do something you like to do for a job. There are so many jobs to do now-a-days and look how much you will learn and gain in the process of moving one step at a time. It was a fun time for me - I was feeling alittle weird at times of the newnest of it, but in the long run it made me feel good about myself and made new friends in the process and happy I did it. Hugs to you, for you will succeed and you will have a smile on your face at the end of the day.
It is only as bad as you think it is. Believe in time you will feel like you can reach for the stars and light your way with them.
His timing just couldn't have been better, could it?
You really got hit with a double whammy. We all define ourselves by the roles we play in life. For twenty-five years, you defined yourself as Mother and Wife. Now, all of a sudden, you've been retired out of the one, and only play a consulting role, and you've been phased out of the other entirely, and probably without a whole lot of warning, if I'm reading the signals correctly. And with those roles taken away from you, you really don't know WHO you are anymore.
I'm not going to be so flippant as to suggest you're the same person you were before you met him or had your children. That just ridiculous. But you did have interests apart from them when the children were still at home and the husband was still in the picture. There were things you were passionate about. There were things you were good at. There were things, quite apart from motherhood and being a wife, that made you unique.
Remember those things now. Fall back on them, and develop the skills that you were proud of before your life changed so drastically. The skills are still there. And the pride ought to be.
You're shortchanging yourself with the attitude of having nothing to look forward to but death. What value are you assigning to yourself, suggesting that you have no usefulness apart from your former role in their lives? No human being has ever been so unkind to you as you're being to yourself right now.
Seek joy, and it will find you. Expect peace, and it will be yours. You're here for a reason, and it's not important that you know what it is. It's enough to believe it exists. The smallest things you do can make a difference.
Chin up, lady. There's a lot of good stuff ahead of you yet.
You wrote about being scared. That tells me you don't want to feel this way, you want to feel better.
Stress and big life changes can wreak hell with our body chemistry sometimes. Tell your doctor what's going on. Tell him everything - about the despair, about the gloominess, about the weight gain - don't be embarrassed or leave anything out. Depression doesn't mean you're weak, and it doesn't mean you're crazy. As often as not, it means your chemistry is off. And with simple medication and a little therapy to get your outlook back on track, life can be sweet again. You deserve that, you truly do.
Blue/Blue: How do you think you are stuck, financially or physically or both? Finances can be worked out with a financial specialist. Some are free. They will help you make rational decisions in an irrational situation. Visit your physcian for a complete physical. Don't hesitate to tell him or her your current situation. Next do the Mall walk as prior recommendations. Walking releases good endorphines. You may only do a few steps to begin with but it does get better, and better. It is the beginning of feeling free. See a grief counselor to help you with unresolved issues. You must get through those five stages of grief: disbelief, bargaining, anger, depression, and resolution. It sounds like you are getting there slowly but surely. When you are ready to take another step, you will know it. There is always a door open to you. No one has control over you but you. Pretty soon you will be putting one foot in front of the other on this highway of life. I was divorced after twenty years and I found my way, you will find yours.
I have been where you are. I am sure that many of us can relate to your story. I found myself dumped after 16 years of a marriage where my self esteem had been taken about as low as one could be taken. The only thing that kept me going (kind of) was that I had four little boys to take care of. I was so non-functional that I wasn't even doing a very good job of that. I felt worthless, and like a really BIG failure.
How did I get from there to where I am now? Slowly. As others have said, one step at a time. If you have been stewing in this state for 9 years, it is your normal, it is all you know.
First of all, let me congratulate you for recognizing your problem, and reaching out. That is a big step. I would suggest that you look around eons and find some groups to join. You might start with the Weigh Loss and Nutrition group. In my opinion it is a very possitive and uplifting group. Then look around some more. There are lots of groups on eons. Find groups where people have things in common with you, mostly look for groups that have nothing to do with being alone, or any of your other problems. Look for groups where people enjoy something you enjoy (or used to enjoy). It might be a craft, hobby, cooking, travel, laughter..... I don't know, just look - then join.
You should be able to find some groups where you can make friends that have interests similar to you. Use that space to practice interacting on a "normal" basis. Not a feeling sorry for your self, or a "I have a problem" mode. Those groups are OK too. It is nice to have support and people who understand what you are going through, but find some place that you can be different. Someplace that you enjoy going, and have a good time. (Don't be discouraged if it takes a while, I have been on eons for six months, and am just now finding eon friends.)
Start taking those baby steps online, and in real life too. We are all here to help you. Feel free to ask for all of the help you need.
Lots of good advice from the "grannie" here. I'd like to add one more - a baby step actually. Before you go to bed at night, look in the mirror and tell yourself one thing you did today that was good. It may be as simple as brushing your teeth or getting out of bed.
Then in the morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself what you admire about yourself. Maybe you have beautiful eyes, maybe you've got a terrific smile, maybe you made a new friend on eons.
Start writing an instruction book that teaches others how to be you and how to have your life. Be very specific and write every day without fail. However, each day, you have to read all that you have put to paper from the start.
Title one chapter "I want to thank myself" Every action you have ever taken in your entire life has always been the very best choice you had at that split second in time with considering the resources at hand. To make self judgment of those choices now is very unfair. Every person reading this right now has done the same thing, including me. Hindsight is always 20/20, but hindsight means that now you have grown, and perceive more choices now than then. I have weighed forty pounds more than I am now, during those times I chose food to nurture myself with. At that time of my life all I perceived to be my friend was extra food away from mealtime. I joined a gym and slowly, and I mean slowly, started wanting to go there and be with other people being on the treadmill on either side of me, than fix that extra snack. Didn't have to go on a diet, just added an alternative to my life. Adding just one new choice changes a direction in life.
