Death of a Spouse

I truly understand what you are saying. I think each of us goes on in a different way. Just as we are all unique people to start with, our journey into this grief is unique for each of us.
I wish I did have a magic wand, a book of directions, a map, a compass anything that would help us all navigate and know what is to come. But, sadly, I don't have any of those things.
My husband fought so hard to stay with us, that for me I have to try to find the beauty in each day, the laughter, just to honor him and to validate his fight to stay with us.
I try to imagine how he would want me to live. Although I know he would understand my grief, the thing that would make him happiest would be to hear the love and laughter in our home. On the special days we all gather to go out to eat and share memories. We keep ourselves busy, we have become very adept at using power tools. Somehow having the ability to take care of ourselves keeps us from feeling helpless.
I listen to music, I write in a journal, I volunteer with the American Cancer Society, for it is cancer that so cruelly stole my husband from me.
I reach out to others, for in helping and sharing, I also feel healed.
I think to set a time table for grief only leads to depression. I think perhaps we never actually "get over it", but we do adjust. At some point in time I do believe the memories will become sweeter than the tears are bitter. I do believe at some point in time we will be able to look at their picture and smile instead of cry.
If you would like to private message me, please feel free to. I don't have answers but I can listen and share.
Be kind to yourself. Find one thing of beauty a day, one thing of humor and try to live like you know your wife would want you to.
Love Ya Lyn

Big, It has been 2 1/2 years for me. The first year nothing but pain, the second the struggle to keep trying to survive when I didn't want to. I still have those tired, barely holding on days. They do get farther apart and not as bad but only because I keep pushing myself to move forward with allowing myself the back stepping when need.

What helped me was recognizing what I can't change and working on the things I could. Keep trying!

daniel
i wish i could tell you i know a short cut and if you just do this it will be ok but i dont have a short for you we all heal at a different pace when
i had bypass surgery they kept coming in and saying the dr left orders
for pain just tell us but i kept telling them i dont have any pain even
when i got home i didnt but i was very weak.
i stayed with my cousin this will make you laugh and when she makes a sandwich,she asks are you hungry,me a little, well i honestly couldnt pick up the sandwich i said irene i cant pick this up ,thats how weak i was.then she says do you want to watch a video,its about your by pass good info,so i said ok well she hooks everything and disapears and
the video starts,and its about a guy named ed and it says ed has made
everything right with his maker and his affairs are in order,so i yell
irene what the hell is this she comes running out and says oh thats wrong thats from hospice when my Mother passed,i said do i look that bad, boy did we howl over that one.please fell free to write when ever
you feel the need
wp

Daniel,

The thing about losing a spouse it is an equal opportunity sponsor for pain and saddness. We women don't hold a monopoly nor do you men. We both hurt equally. I am glad you finally decided to express your hurt, however, because so many men keep it inside. (my son is like that) How much healthier it is to let it out. And this is the perfect place to do so. As you already know, the love and support here is tremendous and equally from the men and women. There are some truly big arms here that embrace and comfort.

I know what you mean about the only one you felt comfortable going to to ease your pain is gone. Isn't that the whole problem? Each of us, lost our best friend - not just our spouse.

Anyway - we are all here together. How do we go on? I ask myself that daily - one step in front of the other.

Hello Daniel...

I love your screen name, BigGorilla, I bet you were a big gorilla with Jackie, hugging her, protecting her....and now you cannot...feels terrible

I won't go on with my story, if you want, you can read my profile

I am happy you decided to post your thoughts and share them with us...

as has been mentioned, we all understand your pain, and by reading and posting, you take some of our pain, and we take some of yours...thank you for easing my burden

I hope you realize that Jackie is still with you in spirit and watching and guiding your every move...she knows you are suffering and probably doesn't want you to just 'get over it'...evidently not yet, but she does want you to realize that you still have a life to live but it will be different...you will never get back to 'normal'...as you are well aware

there is a new 'normal' that you are moving towards, a life with out Jackie being there physically, but a new 'normal' life with Jackie by your side, helping you move along that healing path with all it's bumps, burps and stumbles

three steps forward, two steps back...the dance of the grieving...we all do it...but...we are continuing to move along that path...eventually seeing that light in the tunnel

any time you want to talk, rant, complain...send me a pm,,,I am almost always online and check my email way too often (this is my life, I guess)

bearhugs...can a bear give a gorilla a bearhug???

steve