I Have My Life Back!
I will post in the first reply to save space on this board -
Bill
I will post in the first reply to save space on this board -
Bill
My Own Life is Back - The Pain of HER Loss Has Ended!
Hello fellow members. I thought long and hard about the way to write this wonderful breakthrough. Some of you know me and have known me along the way - you, along with myself - will remember the pain and emptiness that the loss of my Wife, Lucille, caused me. I couldn't function, I didn't want to function. There was no more future for me if my Best Friend and Soul Mate was no longer with me.
The endless nights of tears and anguish. It seemed every thought that entered my head, included something that reminded me of her. Music, beautiful, crisp autumn mornings with a deep blue sky - the leaves turning to their reds and yellows and oranges (you can tell I'm talking about the North East). Why was I walking through this beautiful day (we loved the fall) and she wasn't. None of it meant anything to me anymore.
My apartment became my "jail cell". I would only leave when I ran out of food. The TV and the Computer were my only friends. I dreaded evenings, although in the very beginning I slept all the time. I would only get out of bed to use the bathroom - take a few more "anti-anxiety" pills that my doctor had prescribed for me. I found that I could take enough to basically sleep 24 hours a day. I didn't care; nothing was worth doing anymore now that she was gone.
I had no interest in anything anymore. I couldn't find any energy to even TRY to act interested in something other than her death. I was told to "Act as If " and I would find that my interests in life would return. I didn't believe it and never did it. No one, other than you folks in the group had any idea of what I was going through (and sometimes I even wondered if you know how deep and painful my pain and emptiness went).
I say the above, because I have felt everything that a person can feel when their spouse dies, whether it is a long drawn out process or whether it's sudden, right in front of you or when you're not there at the exact time of death - I felt it all and in the process lost all belief in God. Where did my wife, Lucille, go? Can she see me? Is she just dust to dust?
Can she see me? Can she hear me? WHERE WAS SHE !!??
All the questions, doubts, fears of getting old, dying alone, wondering how I could even afford to live much longer - I was too depressed to even think of working. I became a hopeless, empty shell of a human being, wondering why I was still living and taking up someone else's space and the oxygen they breathe.
This group has probably saved my life... no, let me say it HAS saved my life when I think of life as getting up and around - Meeting new people - at some point getting off the "pity pot" I was on. The problem was, how long was I really suffering or when did I start using my loss to keep me from doing the normal day to day things that are included in everyone's life.
I have no answers to that question, but I can tell all of you, right now, whether you are just starting your journey or have been around a while, IT'S GONE! The pain and tears and lethargy and hopeless have left me! I will always think of Lucille, but it doesn't hurt to speak her name or think of the last few months of her life with lung cancer and chemotherapy. I NEVER thought I would get those last months out of my mind. I tried to think of our happy times together and all I could see were the last few months. That's GONE!
I don't know why or how it left me. I'm not dating, I don't even have females as friends, so it's not like I've found someone else. I have to say that being an alcoholic who has been sober over ten years and regularly attends AA Meetings, had to have something to do with my mingling with other human beings, yet for the first year after her death on Monday, Memorial Day - May 29, 2006 - I never went to meetings nor did I drink or use other drugs. well, to some AA members, yes I did use another drug for a while, the anxiety pills I was given - take one a day or every 6 hours - B-ll Sh-t, I would take as many as it took to knock me out. I'm probably lucky I'm still alive myself. I still call myself 10 plus years sober - the end result, is, I haven't picked up a drink since October 2, 1997.
Today - and for a few months - I've become aware that my loss of Lucille has stopped being painful or debilitating or causing me to feel hopeless. I forced myself to reach out to other people and talk about what I was going through (in AA - but if you are not in AA, there are other avenues to do the same thing). I forced myself to drive 4 hours back and forth to an old friend of mine who I've known for over 30 years, and help put up insulation in his house because at 72, he just couldn't do it alone and he'd be damned if he was going to pay someone to do what he could do himself! (meaning - I could do for him! ;-)
It got me out, it got me away from my "jail cell" apartment. It allowed my mind to concentrate on something other than Lucille's death and my "aloneness". And then, one day, the pain and grieving was gone. It seems like overnight, but I'm sure it was a long time in coming as I was doing the things I should be doing to attempt to find a life that was no longer "OURS" but "MINE". IT WORKS!
That's all I can say. I'm sorry if it makes you angry or jealous or you believe I must be different and it could NEVER happen to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, because I'm nothing special and it happened to me. I can honestly say now from PERSONAL experience, that it does and will pass. You'll always miss your spouse and they will always be in your heart and in your mind, but, eventually, having them in your heart, mind, soul soon gets smaller and allows room for life in the present finding room to come back into your life.
Thank you all. I still read the posts and replies. The people I've become friendly with in the membership of this group, has been a priceless aid in my reaching where I am right now.
God bless you all (see, I have found my "God" again) and thank you. Time WILL seem to move so slowly, but time is what it took for me - I'm free! Those of you who have been here a while, know it doesn't mean I didn't love her or didn't miss her, but I'm back in control of my own life at last.
It can happen to you and all of us - it just takes TIME and a little work on your part to try and change your views of a happy, loving life you had been sharing with your spouse to a happy loving life you can live for yourself.
Thanks,
Bill (gratefulone)
Hello fellow members. I thought long and hard about the way to write this wonderful breakthrough. Some of you know me and have known me along the way - you, along with myself - will remember the pain and emptiness that the loss of my Wife, Lucille, caused me. I couldn't function, I didn't want to function. There was no more future for me if my Best Friend and Soul Mate was no longer with me.
The endless nights of tears and anguish. It seemed every thought that entered my head, included something that reminded me of her. Music, beautiful, crisp autumn mornings with a deep blue sky - the leaves turning to their reds and yellows and oranges (you can tell I'm talking about the North East). Why was I walking through this beautiful day (we loved the fall) and she wasn't. None of it meant anything to me anymore.
My apartment became my "jail cell". I would only leave when I ran out of food. The TV and the Computer were my only friends. I dreaded evenings, although in the very beginning I slept all the time. I would only get out of bed to use the bathroom - take a few more "anti-anxiety" pills that my doctor had prescribed for me. I found that I could take enough to basically sleep 24 hours a day. I didn't care; nothing was worth doing anymore now that she was gone.
I had no interest in anything anymore. I couldn't find any energy to even TRY to act interested in something other than her death. I was told to "Act as If " and I would find that my interests in life would return. I didn't believe it and never did it. No one, other than you folks in the group had any idea of what I was going through (and sometimes I even wondered if you know how deep and painful my pain and emptiness went).
I say the above, because I have felt everything that a person can feel when their spouse dies, whether it is a long drawn out process or whether it's sudden, right in front of you or when you're not there at the exact time of death - I felt it all and in the process lost all belief in God. Where did my wife, Lucille, go? Can she see me? Is she just dust to dust?
Can she see me? Can she hear me? WHERE WAS SHE !!??
All the questions, doubts, fears of getting old, dying alone, wondering how I could even afford to live much longer - I was too depressed to even think of working. I became a hopeless, empty shell of a human being, wondering why I was still living and taking up someone else's space and the oxygen they breathe.
This group has probably saved my life... no, let me say it HAS saved my life when I think of life as getting up and around - Meeting new people - at some point getting off the "pity pot" I was on. The problem was, how long was I really suffering or when did I start using my loss to keep me from doing the normal day to day things that are included in everyone's life.
I have no answers to that question, but I can tell all of you, right now, whether you are just starting your journey or have been around a while, IT'S GONE! The pain and tears and lethargy and hopeless have left me! I will always think of Lucille, but it doesn't hurt to speak her name or think of the last few months of her life with lung cancer and chemotherapy. I NEVER thought I would get those last months out of my mind. I tried to think of our happy times together and all I could see were the last few months. That's GONE!
I don't know why or how it left me. I'm not dating, I don't even have females as friends, so it's not like I've found someone else. I have to say that being an alcoholic who has been sober over ten years and regularly attends AA Meetings, had to have something to do with my mingling with other human beings, yet for the first year after her death on Monday, Memorial Day - May 29, 2006 - I never went to meetings nor did I drink or use other drugs. well, to some AA members, yes I did use another drug for a while, the anxiety pills I was given - take one a day or every 6 hours - B-ll Sh-t, I would take as many as it took to knock me out. I'm probably lucky I'm still alive myself. I still call myself 10 plus years sober - the end result, is, I haven't picked up a drink since October 2, 1997.
Today - and for a few months - I've become aware that my loss of Lucille has stopped being painful or debilitating or causing me to feel hopeless. I forced myself to reach out to other people and talk about what I was going through (in AA - but if you are not in AA, there are other avenues to do the same thing). I forced myself to drive 4 hours back and forth to an old friend of mine who I've known for over 30 years, and help put up insulation in his house because at 72, he just couldn't do it alone and he'd be damned if he was going to pay someone to do what he could do himself! (meaning - I could do for him! ;-)
It got me out, it got me away from my "jail cell" apartment. It allowed my mind to concentrate on something other than Lucille's death and my "aloneness". And then, one day, the pain and grieving was gone. It seems like overnight, but I'm sure it was a long time in coming as I was doing the things I should be doing to attempt to find a life that was no longer "OURS" but "MINE". IT WORKS!
That's all I can say. I'm sorry if it makes you angry or jealous or you believe I must be different and it could NEVER happen to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, because I'm nothing special and it happened to me. I can honestly say now from PERSONAL experience, that it does and will pass. You'll always miss your spouse and they will always be in your heart and in your mind, but, eventually, having them in your heart, mind, soul soon gets smaller and allows room for life in the present finding room to come back into your life.
Thank you all. I still read the posts and replies. The people I've become friendly with in the membership of this group, has been a priceless aid in my reaching where I am right now.
God bless you all (see, I have found my "God" again) and thank you. Time WILL seem to move so slowly, but time is what it took for me - I'm free! Those of you who have been here a while, know it doesn't mean I didn't love her or didn't miss her, but I'm back in control of my own life at last.
It can happen to you and all of us - it just takes TIME and a little work on your part to try and change your views of a happy, loving life you had been sharing with your spouse to a happy loving life you can live for yourself.
Thanks,
Bill (gratefulone)
8 months ago
Bill, that was beautiful and gives me hope. Thank you so much for sharing that letter with us. I know that Lucille will always be there with you, but to know that the pain of losing her is eased makes me know that someday, down the road, I too might be able to say the same. Thank you again.
8 months ago
Bill, congratulations...your message should inspire others to realize that the in that tunnel is a light, somewhere, and there is life at the other end, a new life, a normal life that is different than they had before...and life does go on
You are my hero today
thanks
Steve
You are my hero today
thanks
Steve
8 months ago
HI! Bill,
I am very happy for you, and it gives hope to others of us.
I am trying to make it, for the most part the days are good. I am still at the point that I don't know when it will turn on me.
I guess I will know when I have made it for good.
Thanks for starting the site, you should take pride in that too.
Such a wonderful thing you did that led to helping others.
I think I am half way home in the healing process. Hard to judge yourself maybe until you reach the end.
You certainly went through a lot of painful times and I am so happy you have reclaimed your life. A hard one battle I know but you did it.
Once again just so happy for you.
I am very happy for you, and it gives hope to others of us.
I am trying to make it, for the most part the days are good. I am still at the point that I don't know when it will turn on me.
I guess I will know when I have made it for good.
Thanks for starting the site, you should take pride in that too.
Such a wonderful thing you did that led to helping others.
I think I am half way home in the healing process. Hard to judge yourself maybe until you reach the end.
You certainly went through a lot of painful times and I am so happy you have reclaimed your life. A hard one battle I know but you did it.
Once again just so happy for you.
8 months ago
Hello Bill, My goodness am I proud of you, and also very happy for you. You certainly have turned your life around, and are now looking ahead to what lies there instead of looking back. I know you will always love Lucille, and continue looking back remembering the wonderful years you had together. The only difference now is that those memories will bring you warmth, and smiles instead of sadness and pain. I know how you feel. Tomorrow will be the 1 year date of LeRoy's passing. I choose not to stay home and dwell on his death. Instead, I will spend the day with his daughter going on a little adventure and making it a happier day. I feel that I also have come a long way, and I know for a fact it's because of this wonderful group that you started. I have met so many wonderful people and shared feelings and emotions. I know it saved me. I hope that you realize the way you feel now, that others will also get to that point. And the reason they will is because of you and this group. That should make you swell up with pride. You gave us this group as a gift, and it continues to keep on giving as you can see by the membership. You are definitely our hero. And it just wouldn't be right if I didn't sign off by saying thank you "Daddy Bill".....(you know you love it)......and "GO GIANTS"!!!!!!!!
8 months ago
Bill, I am gald that the pain is gone for you and that you can look forward to a productive and happy life. She will always be with you in your heart and I am sure that she would want you to be as happy as possible.
March 26th will be a year for me since my Sharon passed away, and I have on purpose kept myself busy with my business and soccer to try and help ease the pain. Its been a while since I have cried, I still miss her, but I do look forward each day to getting out of the house and doing something. I went to a two hour meeting the other night and I am going to get involved with another youth organization, some of these kids need more help than I do.
I know that along the way everyone kept saying, just give it time and I got to hate the word "time", but in reality in enough time you can move forward with your life. Hopefully others in the group in time will find their peace and happiness.
Dave
March 26th will be a year for me since my Sharon passed away, and I have on purpose kept myself busy with my business and soccer to try and help ease the pain. Its been a while since I have cried, I still miss her, but I do look forward each day to getting out of the house and doing something. I went to a two hour meeting the other night and I am going to get involved with another youth organization, some of these kids need more help than I do.
I know that along the way everyone kept saying, just give it time and I got to hate the word "time", but in reality in enough time you can move forward with your life. Hopefully others in the group in time will find their peace and happiness.
Dave
8 months ago
2/1/08
I can empathize with you having lost my wife 37 years ago. Your path was similar to mine. There was and are two thoughts that got me back to living. 1. This too shall pass. 2. Time heals all wounds. I use them to today when I encounter trilas and tribulations. After a period of grieving,it is important to realize that LIFE GOES ON. I found that keeping my hands and mins active helped me to get back to living. The length of our lives may be longer or shorter than others. Only God knows how long our lives will be. One day we will face God to give an account of our life. We must give an account on HOW we lived not how long. He wants to know what was our relationship to Him. If we are a Christian we have assurance that we will meet our loved ones again.
Bill Simon billsimon2@juno.com
I can empathize with you having lost my wife 37 years ago. Your path was similar to mine. There was and are two thoughts that got me back to living. 1. This too shall pass. 2. Time heals all wounds. I use them to today when I encounter trilas and tribulations. After a period of grieving,it is important to realize that LIFE GOES ON. I found that keeping my hands and mins active helped me to get back to living. The length of our lives may be longer or shorter than others. Only God knows how long our lives will be. One day we will face God to give an account of our life. We must give an account on HOW we lived not how long. He wants to know what was our relationship to Him. If we are a Christian we have assurance that we will meet our loved ones again.
Bill Simon billsimon2@juno.com
8 months ago
Bill, I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for sharing this news with us. I have to admit there were times when I was really worried.
We are all grateful to you for reaching out and sharing with us, for providing us this safe place to vent, to cry, to laugh, to feel, to express, to question, and for making us a family.
Love you.
We are all grateful to you for reaching out and sharing with us, for providing us this safe place to vent, to cry, to laugh, to feel, to express, to question, and for making us a family.
Love you.
8 months ago
Dear Bill, I have heard your pain in your past posts. I can't tell you how happy I was to read this one. God was with you all this time and you just realized it. I'm so glad. Now you can continue your walk through life with a lighter heart. God Bless You..................M
8 months ago
Now that's what I've been talking about...Bill it's only just begun...life is meant to be lived...to waste even a minute is a tragedy in it's self...All of you that are so new to this, keep the faith...you too will get to the place that Bill and I talk about...there is life after death...for all of us..
8 months ago
