Sticky Message
Empty Nest
Welcome to Empty Nest Season!
Once upon a time, you had a baby. And then, maybe, you had another baby or two. You spent years raising them, driving them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, feeding them, providing for them, and loving them. Then, they got very big, and very grumpy, and very soon, it was time for them to leave home.
Suddenly, that day is here. What it means is that your job as a parent is mostly done. Of course, you’ve still got years of worrying left, and some major bills to pay – starting right this minute if one of those babies is off to college– but most of the heavy-lifting parent work is finished.
You should be proud of yourselves. The fact that you have shipped your child off to college means that you’ve done well.
Anybody need a tissue?
Let’s begin with a list that includes several reasons why you have every right to do a bit of self-indulgent weeping for the next few weeks, especially if the child who's leaving is your youngest.
1. This is the end of an era for you. You will not be a full-time parent again, though you will most certainly always be a part-time one. But the door to your identity, to the way you view yourself, that used to be marked: MOTHER FIRST or FATHER FIRST has closed. You will realize very soon that full-time parenthood is not for keeps, it’s only a rental. You will realize that your time with your children is borrowed, leased, rented out, and now, that time is mostly over. As a sociologist pointed out to me while I was working on my book, "Beyond the Mommy Years," parents will know their children for much longer as independent adults than they will have known them as dependent children. Your child was a child for just 18 years, but she will be a grown up, or an almost-grownup for decades. You’ll have to start viewing your daughters and sons as near-adults, and not as large children who still depend on you for everything.
2. Your child no longer needs you very much, except for that checkbook and/or your credit cards.
3. If this is your youngest child, your house is about to become very very quiet. Also, cleaner and neater than it ever was before. This will make you happy, which will make you sad for thinking that way.
4. The absence of the child who is gone may feel like phantom limb pain, where something that’s gone still hurts somehow.
So, go ahead, grab some tissues. You've earned them!
More later about why this Grief Stage won't last very long. . .
Once upon a time, you had a baby. And then, maybe, you had another baby or two. You spent years raising them, driving them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, feeding them, providing for them, and loving them. Then, they got very big, and very grumpy, and very soon, it was time for them to leave home.
Suddenly, that day is here. What it means is that your job as a parent is mostly done. Of course, you’ve still got years of worrying left, and some major bills to pay – starting right this minute if one of those babies is off to college– but most of the heavy-lifting parent work is finished.
You should be proud of yourselves. The fact that you have shipped your child off to college means that you’ve done well.
Anybody need a tissue?
Let’s begin with a list that includes several reasons why you have every right to do a bit of self-indulgent weeping for the next few weeks, especially if the child who's leaving is your youngest.
1. This is the end of an era for you. You will not be a full-time parent again, though you will most certainly always be a part-time one. But the door to your identity, to the way you view yourself, that used to be marked: MOTHER FIRST or FATHER FIRST has closed. You will realize very soon that full-time parenthood is not for keeps, it’s only a rental. You will realize that your time with your children is borrowed, leased, rented out, and now, that time is mostly over. As a sociologist pointed out to me while I was working on my book, "Beyond the Mommy Years," parents will know their children for much longer as independent adults than they will have known them as dependent children. Your child was a child for just 18 years, but she will be a grown up, or an almost-grownup for decades. You’ll have to start viewing your daughters and sons as near-adults, and not as large children who still depend on you for everything.
2. Your child no longer needs you very much, except for that checkbook and/or your credit cards.
3. If this is your youngest child, your house is about to become very very quiet. Also, cleaner and neater than it ever was before. This will make you happy, which will make you sad for thinking that way.
4. The absence of the child who is gone may feel like phantom limb pain, where something that’s gone still hurts somehow.
So, go ahead, grab some tissues. You've earned them!
More later about why this Grief Stage won't last very long. . .
