i am 19yrs br.,cancer survivor and have all the same feelings you do. Yes it does help to talk to other souls who have gone through this horrible thing and have taken so many beautiful lives from their loved one's and us survivors who are happy and thankful for still being here on earth if anything like me just go through the motions of living and think about what it has done to their lives and go set in their closets and scream and cry and cry and try so hard to think what life was like before the big C but the thoughts never come..never.And the years go by so fast and you ask yourself how could the years have gone by so fast... no it can't be i was going to do this and i was going to do that since i got a second chance to live again and here i am 20yrs older. Life keeps going on and on and on and we still freak out even if we get a little rash..'is this going to be the comeback that takes me away.?
I'm glad to know i am not being "pessimistic" when i worry about my son. He was treated for cancer in the summer of '08, and although his scans have been clear so far, I am prone to sudden attacks of fear that just about take my breathe away. its horrible. When he gets sick, or is tired, its really hard not to "go there". i wonder if going through cancer makes one prone to a kind of PTSD - thats how it feels anyway. it is very heartening to have a place where we can express these thoughts and felings without scaring others, with people who understand. Its wierd too, but my son has been in fairly good health the past couple of months, and this makes me nervous too! :-) like, if i let my guard down, or get too comfortable, then, it'll "get us". my rational mind knows it doesnt work that way, but nothing about cancer feels 'rational', does it? still, evry day is a gift, and life is beautiful.
We all deal with it, even if it is just below the surface..... every little thing that happens starts the wheels turning... I have decided that I need to find the fine line between paranoia and caution... I am still looking.
Bill
posted by ltcolh
about 1 year ago
I don't know if that line exists. And it has been 24 years now for me not 21.
I also am an 18 year cancer survivor. I go to my doctor regularly (first every three months, then six), and I never check for lumps and bumps between doctors appointments. I used to check all the time, but it made me too neurotic. Everything felt like a lump (it seems that I'm just lump) and I worried constantly. Now, I don't check. When I come for my appointment and the Doctor says, "any new lumps", I say "I don't know, Doctor. You tell me". You have to just let it go
