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I find myself being more careful because I know my children and sisters could not take another loss.I felt a big fear of having cancer right after my husband died of it and had several doctor visits to check up on things. I think getting out every day for exercise or discipline has been good in this past year. Another friend was centered on her heart because her husband died of a sudden heart event. I think you can't help but have these feelings but then you keep going so I think deal with it and get past it rather than over it.

I have no fear of death because I wish I could have gone with my wife. I do, however, have a fear of being incapacitated. I only have two relatives and they are 1000 miles away. I am very active and have a small nature preserve to manage. I try to take care of myself but, if I was told that I had a life threatening disease, I would probably not treat it. Dying does not bother me at this point. Lingering or going through chemo would not be an option that I would want.

I am not afraid of death either. I wouldn't mind going with my husband.

Bob had Hepitis C. He made me promise that I would be tested to see if I caught it from him. I was tested and it was negative. Doctor said that it was a very slim chance that I would have gotten it from him. I do remember that when I had my mammogram, I was hoping they would find something so that I could leave this world and be with Bob. I think we deal with it more then get over it.

Similar to the others, I am not longer concerned about death. I would feel bad for my children and grandchildren but not for myself. I do think frequently about being incapacited in some way. I do not want my extended family to have to care for me. That is the scariest thing for me. Sometimes I wish I would have kept all of the pain medications so that I could make a quick exit upon some bad diagnosis.

Since Ken was 9 1/2 years younger than me I feel that I have gained those years overnight. Not really physically, but in terms of my life plan. We figured that we would probably die pretty close to each other with that type of age difference. And with that difference he would be able to work longer, drive longer, etc. than I would. Grandparents and greatgrandparents on both sides of my family lived into their mid to late nineties. So I am faced with figuring out how to live maybe 35 or 40 more years on my own. I guess I am more concerned about living and what it might bring than dying.

I think I actually welcomed mortality in the early stages of my grief. I wanted so much to still be with him. Thankfully I had the young children and a reason to go on. I now find that I try to live my life to honor him and to make him proud. I try to see things the way he would and to appreciate all the small things in life. I must say that death no longer holds a fear for me. I am not in any hurry now to die, but the thought of dying use to fill me with terror and now I know I will only be passing over to him. I do think this life is a gift, one that should be cherished. I also think that those of us here that were touched by those magical loves now live for both ourselves and the ones we have lost. Just remember you travel this road of grief that your husband will never have to, think of it as your last gift to him.
Love Ya, Lyn

After Bob had passed I thought that if I died I wouldn't be hurting and missing him. They I realized I was being selfish. I thought about my son. He had just lost his father, how would he feel if I died too. He would be all alone, since we have no family left but the two of us. So I changed my mind about leaving this work and I am trying to live my life in a way that would make my husband proud of me.

I don't recall dwelling on death. I was in a fog for a long time...

Denny, you spoke for me, as well. Being alone and incapacitated is what I fear, too. And I would not opt for medical treatments either. My "blood" family members are all a great distance away, and I certainly wouldn't want the stepkids to be put in a position of "having to" care for me. Dying doesn't scare me. It'll happen when it happens.

Denny, I totally agree with you. I have no children and no close family. The biggest "fear" I have, second to being incapacitated, is how I will die. I'm pretty sure it will be alone. I am having a document placed on my medical records to say that I want no life saving intervention. I would like to follow Richard now, but I know that to take my own life would be wrong, and know that he would totally disapprove (although sometimes I wonder if maybe now he's not here, would he understand, and even worse be expecting me to do so).

I do feel wicked feeling this way, and people say "life is so short and precious you should treasure every moment" and yes I agree, as long as you have someone to treasure it with and have hopes and dreams to aim for. When I see people with illnesses I wish I could donate my life to a good cause, but then wonder if this would be a legitimate "short circuit to Richard". I know I stood by Richard through thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health - Richard had this wonderful belief that I could do anything, fix anything - we had a situation onece in hospital a few years ago and I said to him "and what happened then" - he said "I told him that my Jeanette would know what was best", such faith in my judgement !! except then came that final day when I, nor the doctors could not fix him.

Going back to the subject of living - I would like to be in control of how I meet my end, and hopefully it will be a quick end, so I need to put my house in order first so that whoever ends up dealing with my house and contents does not too big a headache. At least they won't have sentimentality to deal with.

I have contemplated my own mortality, but more so the instant "old age" that was thrust upon me.

Ann and I always loved the fact that we had our two children when we were young so we could be empty nesters in our forties and fifties and then retire. In fact, being empty nesters with two kids who have always been very close to us, was some of the best times of our lives.

Now I feel like I'm that old man living down the street with his baggy pants and ill-shaven face ... but I'm not, I'm only 54 (55 in less than a week!) and have (hopefully) a bunch of time ahead of me.