Today would have been my husband's 50th birthday. Last night it started hitting me in the evening and all I could do was sit around and cry (although the inflatable moose and beavers in the closing ceremonies of the Olympics did offer some comic relief. What were they thinking?).
I haven't cried like that for a while. And I woke up this morning early feeling stressed and sick to my stomach as if I were thrown back to that first day 13 months ago.
I heard when I started with this group that the second year can be harder and in some ways the reality it presents is hard to bear.
I am starting to stress about my youngest graduating in two months. This will be our first big life "event" where his Dad will obviously be missing.
I hope that getting that off my chest will help. I miss him so much I can't even describe it.
My wife died 23 weeks and one day ago. If the second year is harder, I don't know if I will survive. With the timing of things I have already been through the big holidays, her birthday, our anniversary without her. I will be 60 in May and I cannot imagine that day without her. Birthdays have not bothered me, but turning 60, maybe in part because Patricia passed away, but just the fact of it being 60 kind of bothers me like no other birthdays ever have. I will have to summon her support from somewhere that day. Everyday is still difficult for me. I hope you will find strength as year 2 without your husband progresses. tdale
I am sorry you have this to work through. I had my daughter's graduation this summer and I was in tears. Thankfully, my sister and her husband came and supported us through it. My son does not plan to "walk", he doesn't like ceremonies. We are isolated from our family a bit so it was great they made an effort. If it helps to know you have company in the misery of missing him- I am there with you. I feel so inadequate much of the time trying to make life events and holidays special when it takes force of will to crawl out of my cave.
Ann's birthday is always hard for me - there have been two of them since she passed away - the first one was only a couple months after and the other the most recent one was last month. I can say that, for me, it has gotten a lot easier to deal with, that doesn't mean no tears, just easier.
As you might remember, my daughter got married last summer - that was the one and only big even with Ann - it was exceedingly difficult, but with the help I got from you and others in this group, I survived, as will you.
Take care of yourself, Ken would want you to do that.
Deb, I just passed Bob's birthday on the 22nd of February. I seemed to be doing great until then. Since then I have been down. I was looking at some photos on his birthday and the thought of not ever being about to walk with him by the river like we used to do just made me cry. Every time I think of that it makes me break out crying. I know this will pass, but right now it is bothering me. This was Bob's second birthday since his passing 18 months ago and it was worse then last year.
Be kind to yourself and try to think of all those good times with Ken.
Deb - my thoughts will be with you - It is hard and yes the second year wasn't much easier, however I was getting used to the emptiness. It will be 3 yrs this april 26 when Tim passed suddenly - and his birthday would be 2 wks after - My 60th is april 18 and I asked my sisters that I didn't want a celebration like I had for my 50th that Tim created with them and also re-married me on that day! what a surprise that was. You are one that helps another and I want you to know that my thoughts are with you..... wishing you a Light Heart friend
It's been really busy at work today so not much time to dwell on things. I know I will make it through graduation. Probably not without some tears though. Coralsun, I too will have some family support so hopefully that will make it easier.
Mike, the thought of a wedding is unimaginable and I hope that is a long way from now. I don't know how you did it. I think one of the first posts of yours that I read was when your daughter got engaged. We have all come a long way thanks to each other.
Tdale, the second year is harder only because you know it is time to get a different plan together for the rest of your life but you still aren't sure what that is going to be. In terms of the raw emotion, the second year for me is easier. I still have some lows (like now) but I don't cry at every little thing that reminds me of him anymore. I just don't know where to go from here.
Thanks again, everyone. I think that I am on the mend tonight. Deb
Deb, I am glad that you are feeling a little better tonight. I can certainly understand your feelings about what would have been Ken's 50th birthday. I agree that the second year brings different emotions. Reality is here but somehow it feels like I am a plane in a holding pattern. Can't seem to land, not ready to take off and have no idea where I am going. Well, I may not know much but I do know that although it might be hard when your youngest graduates you will be one proud Mama and we will all be there with you. Joyce
I hope by now you are feeling a little bit more composed. It is difficult with birthdays, and the landmark birthdays are always going hurt more, 50 is no age at all. I know you are strong a lot of the time, but it does you no harm to let out your true feelings, especially to us all here. "happy birthday Ken" - from us all. Happy memories Deb - jeanette xxxx
I found the first year exceedingly difficult, going through all the firsts. But I think the second year is difficult in the sense that we know it's real and need to find our own way, our new identity. I guess the example I'd use is that in those early months it felt like a dream, like he'd come in the back door, I'd hear him put his keys in the basket and tell me he's home. Second year, I know that will never happen again as I find a new place for my keys and not need to rush home anymore. The focus is on self in the second year. The hard question that must be answered is what will we do now? My second year isn't so bad, I'm ahead of things but that's because my grief actually started when the strokes began. Little by little he drifted away until he went into a coma.
