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So true, Marty. But here I am thinking that how nice it would be for me to be able to remain right where I am and not have to bother divorcing, moving, starting over. I am comfortable except for the incompatibility of characters, frustrations, etc.

That is all true....and I'm sure more people need to heed that.
In my situation....I am pretty content with the way things are right now. I have contact with my ex...almost daily. We talk....a lot. We get together for a beer (or 12) at his house...in front of the fire. If anything happens... in the bedroom...then it just does...and it's all good. Then I go home...
We've married and divorced...twice...so I don't see us getting married again...but we are "together" because we choose to be. We know we still love each other....it just has to be this way...and not like it was.
Kind of a weird thing...but it's working...and that's what matters...

Your right Marty, and it's important to stay focused and remember that because especially this time of year it seems to come into play stronger.

We were married for almost 25 years and split over 2 years ago. My ex has a new girlfriend he is very happy with for the last year. And I've been in a new relationship for the last couple years. Yet for the last month or so it seems I'm pining for my ex and what coulda, shoulda, woulda been.

So today there is a parent meeting at our sons school we both had to attend. When I saw him I noticed I wasn't attracted to him like what was playing in my mind the last month. And after the meeting, the way he said some stuff reminded me of his 'my word is law' attitude that use to piss me off so much. I thought to myself, if we got back together I could tell I'd be regretting it within a matter of weeks.

I'm soooooo much better off with my new partner and life. So knowing this, why tonite am I still sitting here thinking about my ex???

Boy, your message was just what I wanted to hear. I hear exactly what you are saying DLAIRS. You can't erase all of those years. No matter how many bad times you had, there were good times. And those are the times we think about in our spare moments.

I divorced about 4 months ago, but left him 6 months ago for an old school friend. My EX is an alcoholic....but I allowed him to continue to drink if he kept it under control. And he did. Although I knew he was sneaking hard liquor occasionally, he didn't get drunk. We argued about it....I didn't like the sneakiness. But if I allowed him to drink beer, I was the one permitting his drinking and I was to blame. I just didn't want the argument.
We also had two very rebellious girls....one is now 26 and the other 20. The 20 yr old had just gotten pregnant and was in college. She was very immature and difficult but had to make a mature decision to give the baby up for adoption. My then husband kept saying things like "you better find a home for this kid" and wouldn't even hear of her keeping the baby. This was the last straw for me. While I believed the best thing for her to do was give the baby up for adoption, I also would support her in her decision regardless. (Meaning if she wanted to keep the baby.)
Anyway, I have been thinking that I left him under extraordinary circumstances. The weight of our daughter getting pregnant and at the same time meeting an old friend and sparking a romance neither of us saw coming. Through a school website I started communicating with an old friend who was just divorced. We quickly became good friends again and discovered we had strong feelings. We met a couple of times as friends and those feelings were confirmed. I've been ridden with guilt that I've torn my family apart. My 26 yr old rarely speaks to me. She lives with her dad in IN and I'm in FL. She was with her dad when he got the news and held him while he cried. So she aches for him. My 20 yr old is with me in FL because I had to be with her during this time. I supported her in her time of need. It was absolutely horrible for her. She had to have a C-section on top of it. Horrible labor because the epidoral didn't work. The racking sobs when she handed the baby over to the adoptive couple. It was an open adoption and she chose to have the baby with her for the 3 days she was in the hospital.
Well all this is sort of gone now and I'm feeling horrible about what I did. The divorce went quickly because I gave him most everything. We were married 28 years. I left for FL saying I was going away for awhile and Sarah (our pregnant 19 yr old at that time) was leaving school and going with me. She needed a new start. All the while I was planning on divorcing him but knew if he knew he would beg me to stay - and I would.
But your post made me realize no matter what....if I went back....if he took me back....eventually the past would erupt again. He would wonder if I still had feelings for this man, he would feel betrayed. I would always wonder if I would have been happier with my new love. And YES, I do love this new man in my life. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for my EX. Is that weird?
Gosh....I did ramble didn't I? Sorry....I don't know if this has helped anyone else or not. Please reply if you are or were in a similar situation.

Loneliness is a very powerful thing and is usually what leaves a person longing for what once was no matter how awful it may have been. I really don't think there is an immediate antidote for loneliness. You may think it is to be around more people or to find a new love. But, usually what you discover is that you still feel incredibly "alone". What we miss so much may not be our soon to be "ex" or "ex" but rather the position we had when we were with them. That position was wife, and a whole host of other titles associated with that particular relationship. That's why after divorce you frequently hear people say that they feel "lost" or like a "ship without an anchor". The real antidote to loneliness after loss is to start carving out a new niche for yourself. Develop new routines, start giving yourself a new title. You may not be "Mrs." anymore but now you can be something else. If you are creative start seeing yourself as an "artist". If you are athletic see yourself as an "athlete", if you cook well you can now refer to yourself as a "chef" etc. Forming a new identity is one of the major tasks we have after a divorce but in the long run it is still easier than fighting the demons of a bad marriage.

Jill 324..... I don't think it's weird at all that you still have feelings for your ex. I know I still do and we've been apart over 2 years now. About a year ago my ex said he would 'always love me', but I know it isn't the kind of love I still think I feel for him. Yes, I said "think" because the above post about maybe it's the 'title' I'm missing might be more accurate?? I dunno. That would make sense I guess since I don't feel a strong attraction to my ex, but then I didn't towards the end of the marriage either.

Maybe I'm just still hurt that I feel that he didn't turn into Prince Charming with me when I left (oh he did for the first couple months and that was it), or that he seems to be genuinely happy being with his new girlfriend instead of wanting me back still, or that he looks at me with a blank look like we use to be neighbors instead of a couple for 25 years. Maybe I'm feeling guilty that I left and messed up the family (we have 3 sons) and this is my karma?? Maybe I'm confusing feelings with my ego??? Like how dare he be totally over me when I'm not over him completely, and yet I'm the one who left and filed for divorce.

No matter what rational is behind my feelings........I dont' know why I'm feeling any of it no matter what it is deep inside. I seemed to be doing so well for many, many months and now I feel like it's all surfacing again. Maybe Christmas?? I dunno.

I just wanna know why the reality of everything still seems hard to accept. I know it isn't my new partner because he is fantastic and I've never been treated better. So how do I dimiss my inner turmoil? The kids are all fine, my ex is 'in love', so it's only me that is being sentimental about it all. Why does this happen when things seemed to have settled down finally???

Thanks for this message, Marti. The feelings are natural, I've had them too. There have been times I've felt that I just jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire! No two people are alike. After being with one type of person for many years, getting into a routine and making a history together, it takes time to adjust to someone else, especially if you chose someone very different. Anakris has good advice too, about taking the opportunity to develop your own true passions instead of getting into another relationship and devoting part of your energy to pleasing someone else. That's something all my girlfriends told me at the time I separated, but I did not feel I could heed their advice.

I'm glad we have this group to vent our feelings. It always helps to talk them out.
I think it's natural to keep the good memories, and yes, the other parts are still there ... in the past where they will stay. It feels good to take responsibility for one's choices; all of them. The guilt will go away.

I was married the first time for 14 years, and I was the one who wanted out. He wasn't a bad man, just boring, and bit dictatorial. So I left. And yes, I still had feelings for him for almost ten years afterwards. AND I DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM! How nutzy is that!

A lot of what we feel for someone, even when we really don't want them, is habit. And habits are hard to break.

And yes, dlairs, tis the season. This time of year is very emotional, we load it down with all our expectations, love, fears, hopes, nostalgia and memories. What a terrible thing to do to a nice season. Ruin it with our emotional baggage. So all kinds of junk starts bubbling to the surface around now.

Remember this: you WILL get through the holidays. You WILL come out the other side feeling great. You WILL occasionally feel stupid for still having feelings for somebody you don't even want.

Time and process. Moving on is not an event. It takes time and process.

Thanks so much for this insightful entry Marti....I'm sitting here thinking about this emotional roller coaster I am on....and I read the entries...I know moving on takes time and process but it is still very painful and a struggle...this time of year is loaded with hopes and fears of all the years...(song lyrics insert/\) My 25th wedding anniversary is Dec 24th...hows that for 2 sappy Pisces...I was hoping that the papers would be settled before that....but, the lawyers love to drag this on...curiously with my ex being in FL and me here in SC...he is asking me to send him some warm clothes...as the weather is getting colder down there some mornings...I don't have the money to send any boxes out or time to stand in the lines at the post office...so I am feeling guilty that he is cold...
I have my first counseling session the first of the new year...I am hoping this helps me resolve some of this up and down feelings I have...oh,..I've got to throw off the anger I feel too..sometimes... But, I want to put a question out to our group...(cause I don't want to pay the lawyer for it!)...I have checked resources on line...but...if my husband has signed the agreement papers before the end of the year...how do I file income tax?..am I divorced and single or do I have to file jointly with him? I have paid all the expenses for this house for the last year, or does anyone know a good resource for my questions...I've been on the IRS site...but I am not sure what my status is...am I legally separated..he is in FL..and he filed...? Just wondering...and thanks

Ask H&R Block. That is an interesting tax question.

And as far as his warm clothes, go. Why is he even asking you for this? I suggest you cut off communication with him. You will never be able to move on if you are still so connected.

Let him do something himself about his clothes. Geez, what is he, twelve? You his mother? Come on, girl. Get a grip.

You are separated. Almost divorced. Live YOUR OWN LIFE. Force him to live his. Sounds cold and callous, but in the long run, it is the only sensible thing to do. You don't get to have it both ways -- married and not married. One or the other. Pick.