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Let's have some fun. Taking the old "Twas the Night Before Christmas" as a theme, give us a line or two that might be true, humorous or straight from the darkest depths of your imagination. For instance:

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, only the burglar who had come down the chimney (thank heavens for wide vents) was stirring. Mom and Dad could be heard snoring (loud enough to wake the dead) and the burglar

Got the idea - now the next person continue from the word burglar.

Just have fun.

Twas the night before Christmas. A thick, white blanket covered everything like a spilled vanilla milkshake. At the base of one of the stanchions for the 5th avenue tramway, I huddled inside my Hotpoint refrigerator shipping carton and stared out thru the hole in the end flap. I could see a few shop-front windows lit with strings of colored lights. Their supposed gayitey lent my dismal existence nothing more than a recollection of Cristmases past. Way past.

When I could distract myself from the stinging numbness of my fingers, I could conjure up mental glimpses of my mom on her knees at the base of our Christmas tree. She'd still have on her apron from preparing a special meal , but there she was, picking up the packages from the tree skirt and reading off the little to - from tags and then handing each one to it's proper recipient.
Dad would sit on the edge of the couch - wearing varying degrees of grin as each gift was opened by me and my siblings. He and mom both reveled in the squeals of delight as the wrappers were ripped off and the contects realized.

This vision flickers - like a tired stretch of aging 8MM film - as I try to cling to it while the bitter cold of the evening does it's best to dominate the moment. Both feet feel cold to the bone. What's curious about that is that the right foot's been AWOL since that IED removed it 5 years ago.

I reach into my fatigue jacket's pocket - or thru what was once a pocket - and fish around for that fading little flask of Wild Turkey. I shake it to see how much is left before I unscrew the cap and take another hearty swallow.
As the cap goes back on, I stop once more to ponder whether the kind soul who handed it to me was taking pity on me or just responding to the spirit of the season. Not that it tastes any different either way.

I look out the peephole again and catch a glimpse of Ernie coming home to his cardboard Carlton. As he slogs thru the white fluff, the glow of the city illuminates the bottle of wine that dangles perilously from his numbed grasp. I'd say howdy, but I don't want to let out what little body heat I might have genereated so far.
I can hear his shuffling as he crawls into his corrugated condo. Knowing I'm in mine, he calls out to me.... "Brad! Guess what? I saw Santa just awhile ago. Whaddya think'a that, eh?"

I holler back: "Santa eh? What sorta mood was he in?"

Ernie laughed a bit first: "Drunk as a stinkin' skunk, bud! Drunk as a stinkin' skunk."

"Well, didja get to tell 'im what ya wanted, Ern?"

"Hah! How d'ya think I got this here bottle'a Mogen David?"

We both have a laugh at that.

"Merry Christmas, pal."

"Merry Christmas to you, bud."

I lay down and re-fold the rags that serve as a pillow. Will morning eventually come? I hope not.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land not a creature was stirring not even a man. With garlic to ward off the night feeding fiends, the parents thought their life was serene. Without a word to living or dead, the daughter lay sleeping soundly in bed. The moon cast its light on buildings below, two eyes appeared with a yellow-green glow. Knowing permission was already there, the night feeder climbed up the back stair. Finding her room through habits of old, the night feeder felt ever so bold. But,touching the hair of the woman he loved, he fought down the urge to drink her blood. With a sigh so deep, he took one last look. "Good night, my dear." With that he fled down the stair wishing for all that he was still there.

Wonderful wonderful - arcade and dianna - you got the idea. I got the idea for this from watch Fractured Fairy Fales with one of the grandkids. How far can it be fractured? Let's find out!!!!

In the words of someone from one of the classics, "More please!"

'Twas the night before Christmas in 1980 and I was attempting to put together the child-sized 'kitchen' that was my daughters main present. The box said "Easy Assembly. No tools required." I look over the instructions. It's 11 pm and far to late to contact a lawyer to ask about suing the manufacturer for false advertising.

The first step is to check that all the pieces are there. All of them were until I drop a screw. Thirty-five minutes into the search my husband mentions he has a magnet in the garage. I use the magnet, find the screw and refrain from hitting my husband over the head with the magnet when he asks why didn't I think of that.

I try to insert Tab A into Slot C. Either Tab A is too long, Slot C is too short or the instructions are wrong. Since there is no mention of Slot B, I count the slots. I have more more letters for slots than I have slots. I decide to leave that one until later.

All goes well until I attempt to put together the wooden frame that holds the thing together. I am supposed to nail Post K and Post L to Post M and Post N. What about the 'No tools required'? Am I supposed to pound the tiny nails into the wood with my fingernails?

I cannot find a hammer. I wake my husband to ask if he knows where a hammer is. He tells me to look in the garage. I have already looked in the garage. It's not there. That's why I'm asking him. I know he used it when he was putting up the outside decorations. 'Try the laundry room..'
He rolls over and goes back to sleep. It is now 1:15 am. It might be better for him if I don't find the hammer.

The hammer is on top of the dryer. I have no energy to wonder why it's there. I attach Post M across the bottom. However as I try to fit Post N to Post K and Post L, I realize the 'helpful' markings' that I should use to position Post N don't match up. The markings on Post K are lower than the markings on Post L. I decide to split the difference. I only hit my finger five times trying to get those tiny nails into the wood.

I assemble the cabinets according to Step 18. The hinges are all there. I attach the doors. Step 19 says to put the the short cardboard strips on the inside of the cabinets to reinforce them before attaching the doors. After considerable unladylike swearing, I remove all eight hinges and reassemble the cabinets.

Finally I am ready to put all the pieces together. Only then do I see that Post K and Post L are slightly longer than the height of the cabinets added to the height of the base. Either there will be an empty space between the two pieces or I will have two wooden slats rising above the cabinets.

After much deliberation and another bout of swearing, I decide to use a leftover piece of cardboard between the two sections. I attempt to cut the cardboard straight across. I fail. I take three hardback books, line them up on the single remaining strip of cardboard and draw what is hopefully a straight line at the appropriate distance from the edge. I discover how hard it is to cut cardboard.

I attach the base to the frame, then the cardboard strip and finally the cabinets. Now the top of the cabinets is slightly higher than Post K and Post L. Who cares? Not me. I then discover that the pencil lines I drew on the cardboard strip can be seen. I decide mu daughter and I will do a project cutting pictures out of magazines and pasting them on the cardboard strip. There are no slots left for Tab A. I cut it off while hoping the entire kitchen will not fall to pieces. It doesn't. Triumph at last!

I clean up and finally get to bed. After two hours of sleep, my daughter comes racing into our bedroom, eager to see what Santa brought. She takes one look at the kitchen and runs over to hug my husband Is this grounds for divorce?

Then I get my hug and every frustrating, bleary-eyed, sleepless moment is worth the grin on my daughter's face. She announces she will be cooking Christmas dinner in her kitchen.How I wish, but I don't think cardboard would substitute for a turkey. After the presents are opened, I declare I am going back to bed and my husband can put the turkey in the oven.

"But I've never done that!'

'I never put one of those kitchens together either. Get the turkey out of the refrigerator and read the directions.'

Jerissa - where were you hiding? I think you were spying on my house.

Yeah, I really like that tale jerissa! I had to read it a second time 'cause it was fun.

This was really well done. It was fun, a real slice of Americana.

Twas three weeks before Christmas and we finally retrieved all the Christmas decorations from the storgage facility. Being out of town for almost two weeks around Thanksgiving had not helped our time table to get all the decorations up. Then two things happened, we had snow which rarely happens in this part of Texas at this time of year. It was as cold as a well digger's - you know the rest of that. So we compromised by getting the pre-lit tree erected. Yeah! Did you know that artificial pre-lit trees shed just like real trees. The day after Christmas we will have a few moment of silence for the tree before it gets tossed on the curb.

Rain, freezing temperatures, fog, rain rain and more rain kept us from getting the decorations up.

Twas two weeks before Christmas and finally we had a prediction of sun and warmer temperatures (at least up to 60). I drag out the boxes of lights that go on the roof line and have you ever heart of built-in obsolence? The chains were still together just as they had been when taken down last year, Before putting them away we tested for missing or non-illuminating bulbs and found everything perfect. They were carefully placed in a large plastic box and taken to storage. We removed the chains from the boxes and plugged them in, just to be sure. It is a conspiracy. Each segment of chain had a four foot strip that burned perfectly and then a two foot strip that would not burn regardless of what kind of language was directed at the chain (by my hubby). 60 feet of light chain and we have probably 15 feet of illumination. Okay, the chains went into the trash and we went to buy new lights. On the second week before Christmas there are no lights on the store shelves, at least none that you can buy enough to make 60 foot chains. Off we go to about 15 stores. Eventually we had to settle for buying two sets here, one set there and three sets there plus three sets that I don't know why I bought except they were pretty (I will find a buse of them next year). We put the chains together and tape all the connections and put them on the roof line. Except the little dangling lights aren't dangling because they have probably been in the box (after all they were made in China) for probably three years. In the meantime I found that the four foot - two foot malady had also hit my hedge lights (net lighting) so I decided to forego the hedge lights and I bought a lighted angel complete with wings, halo and trumpet. Package contained neither the rods or clips there were necessary to hold the figure together so I improvised with the ties that had held the lights in little rolls within the package.

The angel is finally assembled and I discovered she was covered with sparkly stuff that is now coating my den floor, kitchen floor and the carpet in two bedrooms (how it got into a room with a closed door is still a mystery to me) and brooms and vac will not pick it up. It is hiding in the crevices of my hardwood floors and I have decided to leave this engineering problem to my hubby. He can figure out how to get it up because after all I put the blasted angel together.

We have one day of nice weather predicted (tomorrow) before the cold and rain starts in again. So, tomorrow the angel has to go outside, the wiring for all illuminated things - a total of 7 outside trees and a couple of deer and all the windows still have to be outlined. Do you get the feeling tomorrow will be busy. Then a few minutes ago my hubby made a remark that one of the outside master switches had burned out last year and he really needed to replace it. Now he tells me! That means tomorrow I have to go find a master switch connection before I can plug it the west side of the house and I haven't even started on the back of the house. I am afraid to try the lights for that area. I put up the wreaths an hour or so ago and then discovered I had put the illuminated wreath on the door (which should go on the gate) and the gate wreath on the door.

Then I get a telephone call from son telling me they are going to be leaving Saturday to go to the inlaws for Christmas and do I have the presents wrapped that I want him to take? It is a good thing I am a calm person. I made an executive decision - everything is going into a garbage bag with duck tape handles and they can sort it out according to age and size. Of course hubby vetoed that because I just bought 40 dollars worth of wrapping paper and bows and he won't let me save them until hext year because he doesn't want to rent a second storage unit.

Then the second call - another son had just discovered the inlaws had a chance to go on a cruise during Christmas so guess where they are coming for Christmas. Now I have to cook three Christmas dinners, one for the grandson who will be in town on Tuesday, the son and family who will be here on Christmas eve and then for the another grandson who will be with us from Christmas day until New Year's Eve. Oh did I mention he is bringing his new girlfriend and her parents?

I have decided I am storing nothing. Everything gets tossed and I will start over next year with a real tree and light strings that match. Well I don't know about the angel. She was so much trouble. If I can just persuade hubby to take her apart and put her back in the box but he says he doesn't know how she was put together. Of course I immediately volunteered to take her apart.

I love Christmas. My favorite time of year. Each year I promise myself that next year will be more oreganized but it never happens and I think that is where the fun comes in. From now until January 2, I have no idea of who or how many will be coming and going through my house, but I love it. My daughter-in-law wants to provide the turkey. She brought it over - a 30 pound monster that will not fit in my freezer or my oven. Oh well, there are several places that provide pre-cooked turkey. I am sure one of the local shelters that feed homeless people will love to have the donation of a monster turkey. And nobody will ever know.

I'm SUCH a lucky guy! The wife considers it a triumph if she manages to get me to pull the artificial tree from it's berth in the rafters. The rest of the decorating (what little SHE does of it) is hers to contend with.
See - I was raised with the Christmas bruha - a fair degree of it anyways - and I went thru it with my own kids for years. Now, I's retired from that stuff.

Our butthead neighbor across the street wants to bedeck his place for US to look at? Bully for him. Unless the wife doggedly drags the lites out, replaces the bulbs or chains as required, fights to get them to stay on the edges of the roof, we'll stay dark.

Bah Humbug? Not really. If you wanna share your Xmas spirit, c'mon over and I'll brew us some spice tea and put one of the wife's Xmas CDs in the kitchen radio.
I took a number of frozen turkeys over to the food shelter last week. I plan on taking a few more this week. Of course, I take food over there sporadically thru the course of the year. People get hungry even between the holidays. Unemployment in this county is hovering at 16%. Lights seem superfluous in the face of such want. Of course, they've seemed superfluous to me even in good times!

Merry Christmas to all.