Last night I HAD to go to the mall. I didn't think much about it so I was totally unprepared for how hard it hit me to be out there with the music, decorations, the Christmas tree lots all lit up, the decorations on the homes. The feeling was hard to describe - almost a panic attack, I guess is the closest thing. I felt like throwing up. I felt like someone had just told me that Ken was gone. It's not like I haven't been thinking about Christmas so I really don't get the intensity. I hurried back to my safe little home.
Deb, I am 6 months ahead of you and I still haven't been to a mall, especially at Christmas. I get that feeling that you were describing - kind of like the world is closing in on you. The memories that the sights and sounds of Christmas evoke come from the heart and not the head. I ride around like a horse with blinders on blocking out anything that will trigger a bad feeling. You may have hurried back home but at least you tried so I give you a lot of credit. Maybe next time it will be easier. Joyce
I know how you feel Deb. I still can't listen to Christmas music because it triggers my emotions about the holidays. It is that emotional rollercoaster that we are on. There are so many thing that will trigger them. I am like Joyce. Driving with blinders on because there are so many places that Bob and I use to go to that trigger my memory. After 15 months I still can not go into Home Depot. My husband loved that store. He loved working with tools and could build anything. I applaude your courage to try. Hope you have a peaceful day. Hugs....Sue
These first few times are so very hard, but as time goes by you will find it get easier...not easy but easier...this is my third year and I'm doing quite a bit better about the holiday stuff and am even sending out cards for the first time...
I also know how you feel. I went shopping with some of my family the day after Thanksgiving. When we arrived at Walmarts everyone went their seperate ways. I stood in the middle of the floor and prayed for someone to help me get out of there. I felt so alone and scared to death. I was in a strange store that I had never been in before and all alone. ( I have been to Walmarts, just not that one) I just stood there until my son found me. I just can't get into crowds, it's like I can't breathe I get so nervous. Haven't thought about presents yet, maybe will just get gift certificates for everyone as I can't seem to shop.
I can relate, too. I was wondering aimlessly in Wisconsin when I was up there on one of my trips and it sounded like a good idea to go to the mall -- I was wrong, but didn't realize it until I was there. It wasn't Christmastime, but the familiar surroundings hit me like a ton of bricks. I think we'll always find ourselves in places "unprepared." The next time will be easier.
The first Christmas without my Jack I remember going to the mall and thinking why is everyone smiling and having a great time. It felt like everyone and everything around me was moving in slow motion and I just did not care about anything. Last year, I kind of felt the same about Christmas and remember going to midnight mass with my 24 year old son and crying all through the mass, he was so thrilled with me because everyone was staring at us. This year, things aren't feeling quite as horrible as the 2 previous Christmas', but I still feel the sadness at not having my Jack here with me to enjoy this season. He used to do some weird, but funny things when opening gifts and I miss his laughter and antics so much. We will all get through this holiday, but we have to lean on each other and that is what we will do. Hugs, Kathy
Deb, I'm glad I'm not a mall shopper. I do most of my 'shopping' on-line then pick up some extra little stuff at the local stores. I always was the gift-getter. David didn't like to do it. But what I miss is showing him all the things I'd selected for his kids and grandkids. He was always delighted! I made it through Christmas, last year, alone. What I missed most was decorating the tree together, and the funny gifts in my Christmas stocking. I will do a tree again this year...and miss my stocking.
I'm not doing a tree this year because I am leaving. Visiting parents and younger sis for the holidays, getting back several days after Christmas - kids families and I will get together for gift-giving on January 2nd, I think. I think the hard part of going to the mall is that life DOES go on, and if you are [or I am] stuck in grief, it is hard to be around people who are not grieving
I think some of you are right. It perhaps wasn't just the holiday issue, it was just being in the mall with others who appear to be happily together. I don't think I have been to the mall in the last year. I'm not really a shopper. Ken and I both hated it but went together to make it fun, especially if we were Christmas shopping. I guess to make it through this season I will just have to mentally try to prepare before venturing out into the world.
And then yesterday I had the well-meaning family members that want to plan "What are we doing for Christmas?" and "What do you want for Christmas?". Well, I want Ken back. Nothing else will mean much to me and I really don't care what we are doing for Christmas. I know, bad attitude but that's how I feel. Last year the entire month of December was filled with hospital stays, tests, hopeful evaluations and not so hopeful evaluations. So it just all seems like too much - the holidays and the remembrances of what he was going through last year. I am trying to stay positive but this is going to be a tough couple of months.
You're right, Deb, it will be a tough couple of months. Nothing can make the season like it used to be, however I've found that if I "plan" the holidays with family when they ask, I won't have as much time to dwell on the sadness. I remember last year, right after Ann passed away, we all got together for dinner on Christmas Eve. Needless to say, it wasn't the happiest event of our lives, but it started a new tradition - and traditions are good for a bunch of things, not the least of which is that you don't have to think about what you're going to do this year, you just do the same thing you did last year! Makes the planning a lot easier!
