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In a word NO!! The boy is going to realize what his dad is sooner or later. Its not your job to try to make everyone happy and contented. Been there, done that. Stay at home this year and let his mother make arrangements if thats what she wants to do.

Your son obviously doesnt refrain from his drug use while his son is steps away from him, not a healthy situation for a child. Do all you can as a grandparent to instill in the child that you are there for him, as GRANDPARENTS. Leave it up to the PARENTS for the rest. Sounds as though K has a good mom.

Talk to the mom and ask how much K knows aboout his fathers addiction..it is her place to explain to him why it is best not to see his dad until he straightens up and flies right. If your son cares about his son, he will find a way to see him...you make it too easy for him!

Bless you for trying so hard to see that your grandson is happy. Unfortunately, as long as your son is using around his son, he is a danger to him. What if K were to 'sample' Dad's stash? I wish we could all wave a wand and have all of the angst and drama be gone. But the simple truth is, Andrew is making choices that endanger all of you. I cannot tell you how many burn holes are in my son's furniture, bedding, etc. When they are high, they are not responsible.

I do believe the best thing to do is to take care of you and your husband and try your best to enjoy the holidays.

Lepriken is right. You do need to find out what K knows. He is fast getting to the age where he will begin to suspect on his own. Kids are so much more world wise these days.

Long distance hugs, and hopes for a good holiday...

Dear Friends, Joygirl, Leprikin and Deelynn

Thank you for your responses. I basically know what I am to do. Yet, it is a tear in my heart that keeps bleeding. I hash these things out with my therapist. Normally, she asks me "What do you feel you should do?" But, she called in sick and I had to sit with my indecision wallowing in self doubt and perhaps, self pity.

I already feel that I have failed as a parent with Andrew and perhaps with my other children as well. Only Andrew is an addict. My second son is a hoarder and has food issues. He goes to the other extreme and puts only organic in his mouth.

Consequently, he is very thin. He has been living with me for the past 7 months and I keep on his back for the mess, crumbs, food, stains all over cabinets, light switches, and doors. I know he thinks I pick on him and he stays in his room on the computer trying to find jobs. He is extremely sensitive. But, I cannot live the way he does. I like my place neat and clean.

Son #2 thinks I have issues with cleanliness. I do like order. I do not believe I am neurotic about it though except when I find trash, garbage where they don't belong like in his room or on the floor where he has dropped something and not seen it. coffee, peanut butter or whatever.

Harvey goes to the other extreme and there are clothes all over the floor, books, newspapers, magazines, dirty dishes, etc. That room used to be my sanctuary before I let him move in. I used to meditate, do exercises, write or read books in there to keep me in balance. I gave it up for him. Him is 42 years old. He lost his apartment when the economy went bad. His rent was $2300 per month. That is NYC for you. He lived like that there too. He did not allow us to visit his loft. But, my daughter told me it was a mess. I told him when he moved in that I would not allow him to make a mess out of my house. He agreed so when I see it I speak up.

Believe me when I say that kids, adult kids inadvertently, perhaps, take over. Harvey came in and started moving my furniture around to make room for his. I had to put a stop to that fast. They don't see anything wrong with it. Another reason, I started therapy. I had to start to set boundaries with my adult children. I raised them so they feel I made them who they are and have often chastised me for abuse. Yes, I admit, I did hit or slap them once in a while. For that, I have felt for years now that I am a "bad mother".

I am having a difficult time. I enabled all three of my children. They were sucking me dry. Sucking the life right out of me, as one of the members put it. I felt the same and decided to go to therapy. It seems I can only tackle one adult child at a time. I know Harvey does not want to live here with us but he seem not to be looking for a job. He has become more or less a hermit. He has no money. I feel he feels he is a failure in life. He is a perfectionist. He had so many dashed dreams. Andrew's life took a toll on him too. I excused Harvey's life style because, at least, he was not doing drugs. But hoarding is a drug of sorts. It is definitely and defiantly a problem and a disorder.

With all these other issues: I DON'T WANT TO FAIL WITH K. He is the new generation. Wonderful bright kid. He is in gifted children's classes at school. It is my feeling that he is neglected though. While I was there he wore the same stained pants and shirt every day. I asked him Mom to send a change of clothes but she only sent pajamas, when he spent the night with us. When we showed up at his birthday party on Sunday; he still had on the same dirty clothes from Friday. I said nothing but it hurts my sense of self to see him in dirty clothes. IS IT ME? DO I MAKE TOO MUCH OF THESE THINGS?

On the one hand, I want to help my young K to get his wish to see his dad. I don't even want to do it so much for Andrew as I do for K. K is aware. Last year, he asked me point blank, "Grandma, does Daddy do drugs" We were riding in the car and I was glad K could not see my face as he was in the back seat. I felt like I had been exposed. It took me a minute to respond. "That is a question you should ask your Dad," I said. Right then and there, I called Andrew and told him what I had been asked. I handed the phone to K and Andrew told him some thing or another.

That is where I am dear friends. I know I am not perfect. I started this therapy because I was feeling badly about myself.
I read the following on a website on line

"Codependence is a dysfunctional defense system that was built in reaction to feeling unlovable and unworthy - because our parents were wounded codependents who didn't know how to love themselves.  We grew up in environments that were emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile, and shame based.  Our relationship with ourselves (and all the different parts of our self: emotions, gender, spirit, etc.) got twisted and distorted in order to survive in our particular dysfunctional environment."

It felt true to me. Keep praying for me dear friends and thank you. I welcome any advice. My best. Hope

Twenty years is a long time commitment from your son to his heroin addiction.

Maybe it's time to do something really special for your Grandson, your husband and yourself this Xmass. Something which can be a pleasant memory for all of you. Take the money you would have spent and do anything special and fun for your grandson, but keep him away from having to see bags of heroin and all the sad shit that goes with it....It's okay to take care of yourself and do something that can truely feel good...You deserve it...Please please do not turn yourself insideout again...

Yes, 20 years is a long time to commit. I had to go back and read that line. thank you. hope

DEAR FRIENDS, Hope here, again

In my daily search to find answers to my parenting issues, guilt for having failed my children, their unhappiness, drug use, I came upon the following excerpt from an on line book. I would like to hear your sincere opinion of the subject matter. My kids and I are in a totally co-dependent relationship. I am even with myself. I recognize many of the things written. They resonate with me. So, I am just wondering what you think. Does any of this resonate with you? Or is it just me? Thank you. Hope

.......................(Quotations in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls) by Robert Burney

"Modern civilizations - both Eastern and Western - are no more than a generation or two removed from the belief that children were property.  This, of course, goes hand in hand with the belief that women were property.  The idea that children have rights, individuality, and dignity is relatively new in modern society. "

"It is only in very recent history, that our society has even recognized child abuse as a crime instead of an inherent right of the parent.  The concept of healthy parenting as a skill to be learned is very new in society. Any society that does not respect and honor individual human dignity, is going to be a society that does not meet the essential needs of it's members. Patriarchal societies, that demean and degrade women and children, are dysfunctional in their essence."

"Inner child healing is not some fad or pop psychology.Inner child healing is the only way to empower ourselves to stop living life in reaction to the past. We have been ignoring history and repeating it for centuries; If we are going to have a chance to reverse the self destructive patterns of human kind, it is going to come from individuals healing self; By healing our inner child wounds, we can change the world."

Inner Child Healing - Why do it?

"We are set up to be emotionally dysfunctional by our role models, both parental and societal. We are taught to repress and distort our own emotional process; We are trained to be emotionally dishonest when we are children. This emotional repression and dishonesty causes society to be emotionally dysfunctional. Additionally, urban based civilization has completely disregarded natural laws and natural cycles such as the human developmental process; There is no integration into our culture of the natural human developmental process.

As just one blatant example of this, consider how most so called primitive or aboriginal societies react to the onset of puberty; When a girl starts menstruating, ceremonies are held to celebrate her womanhood - to honor her coming into her power, to honor her miraculous gift of being able to conceive; Boys go through training and initiation rites to help them make the transition from boyhood to manhood.; Look at what we have in our society: junior high school - a bunch of scared, insecure kids who torture each other out of their confusion and fear, and join gangs to try to find an identity.

This lack of integration of the natural human growth process causes trauma.; At each stage of the developmental process we were traumatized because of the emotionally repressive, Spiritually hostile environment into which we were born. We went into the next stage incomplete and then were retraumatized, were wounded again."

For all of the so called progress of our modern societies, we still are far behind most aboriginal cultures in terms of respect for individual rights and dignity in some kind of balance with the good of the whole.(I am speaking here of tribal aboriginal societies - not urbanized ones.) Nowhere is this more evident in terms of our relationship to our children.

Modern civilizations - both Eastern and Western - are no more than a generation or two removed from the belief that children were property. This, of course, goes hand in hand with the belief that women were property. The idea that children have rights, individuality, and dignity is relatively new in modern society; The predominant and underlying belief, as it has been manifested in the treatment of children, has been that children are extensions of, and tools to be used by, their parents.

A very telling insight into the basic beliefs underlying Western attitudes towards children is shared by inner child pioneer Alice Miller in her book The Drama of The Gifted Child.; She shares how the 19th Century German Philosophers who laid the groundwork for modern psychology, emphasized the importance of stamping out a child's "exuberance. In other words, a child's spirit must be crushed in order to control them. [it was stamped out of me]

Children are to be seen and not heard. Spare the rod and spoil the child. [I was rodded, with my hands tied behind my back for having stolen some dimes from my Dad when I was 12] and whipped with a hose. [I thought I deserved it. He said, I deserved it] I believed him all these years. [ I learned to be hard on myself and on my kids too, I suppose.]

It is only in very recent history, that our society has even recognized child abuse as a crime instead of an inherent right of the parent. The concept of healthy parenting as a skill to be learned is very new in society.

Any society that does not respect and honor individual human dignity, is going to be a society that does not meet the essential needs of it's members.Patriarchal societies, that demean and degrade women and children, are dysfunctional in their essence.

We form our core relationship with our self and with life - and of course with other people - in early childhood in reaction to the messages we get from the way we are treated and the role modeling of the other people in our lives. We then have no training or initiation ceremonies, no culturally approved grieving process, to help us let go of the old programming and learn a different relationship with our self and life. So, we build upon the foundation laid in early childhood.

As adults, we react to the programming of our childhood. To contend that our childhood emotional wounds have not affected our adult lives is ridiculous. To think that our early programming has not influenced the way we have lived is to be in denial to an extreme.

Because societies standards for what constitutes success are dysfunctional, many people can be pointed out who "have risen above" their past to be a success. It is those people, who are supposedly successful, that are running the world. How good a job do you think they are doing?

It is our world leaders, reacting out of the fear and insecurity of their inner children, and the dysfunctional belief systems underlying civilization, who give us war and poverty, billionaires and homelessness.

My book, Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, evolved out of a talk that I first did in 1991. In the talk, I stated that I would like to one day make up a bumper sticker that said "Work for World Peace, Heal Your Inner Child." I did have these bumper stickers printed when I published my book. It is, I believe, an essential Truth; We will never have world peace, or a civilized society which is based upon respect and dignity - to say nothing of Love - unless we can heal our relationships with ourselves enough to learn to Love and respect our self.

We cannot Love our neighbor as our self, as long as we are judging and comparing our self to them in order to feel good about our self. We cannot have a society that meets the essential emotional and spiritual needs of it's members as long as we are reacting to life in alignment with rules of interaction that we learned in junior high school. [columbine]

We are all connected - not separate. We all have worth and deserved to be treated with dignity and respect - instead of earning societies version of worth by stepping on and over our fellow humans, to say nothing of destroying the planet we live on.
It is through healing our inner child wounds that we can learn to respect and Love our self so that we can know how to treat others with respect and Love. It is through healing our inner children that we can save our planet and evolve into a society that does meet the essential needs of it's members.

Inner child healing is not some fad or pop psychology. Inner child healing is the only way to empower ourselves to stop living life in reaction to the past. We have been ignoring history and repeating it for centuries. If we are going to have a chance to reverse the self destructive patterns of human kind, it is going to come from individuals healing self. By healing our inner child wounds, we can change the world.