groups

Hang in there, I think your doing the right thing. You have to give your Mom care, food, & comfort etc. You can't let her dictate your every move, I know It's easier said than done. I watched my Mom care for her father who always was very cantancorus ( misspelled ) but got even worse when he became ill. He would say & do very rude things knowing people would not come back to visit. That was away to excert his control over the situtaion & YOU, plus then they don't have to share your attention. You will have nothing to do but dote over then all day. That is a form of abuse, belittle, isolate & control.
You are wise to keep friends coming over, and you may want to clue them in ahead of time and even make a little game of it, when she does something that should embarase herself or someone just wink & smile at your guest, most of us have dealt with someone older who has done this.
I care for my Mom & wife AZ & mom just had a young woman in to help with her shower, my wife will make comments, and be jealouse the rest of the evening, even though she didn't say two words to me. Gotta go with the flow & make the best of it.
Hang in there & have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Allen

Mom has a sharp tongue and will most likely say something to make them know they are not welcome. that is hard to wink away. I barely know these people myself. After the fit about people coming, later she told me she would rather be in assisted living where it was all about her. that is her problem, she wants it all about her, no matter how miserable she makes others feel. I told we could check into it, but it would take all her money pretty fast, she doesn't have a lot either.Basically she is mad because I have chosen not to be all her way. Other than the holidays , we quit entertaining because of her. I refuse to give up the holidays too. I am tempted to tell her next year, we will go see our daughters and she can go stay in a nursing home where it is all about her. 6 years of caregiving is getting to be too long. I don't konw how some of you managed for many more. My patience have worn thin or maybe just out.
Red diamond, caring for two, you must be a saint.

linj 1 --- Tell her that although you don't understand her attitude you will see about her staying in a respit nursing home while your company is there and that way she would avoid having to see them. I'll bet that her natural couriouscity (sp?) will put a stop to that. Also tell her that your going to tell the guests that she is loosing her marbles and may be headed for a padded room. It will raise her blood pressure a bit, but may bring about exactly what you want, which is for her to be good and at the dinner table.

I watched my Aunt Joanie handle my grandmother and she used to just smile and without any hate or anger...she would say..."I love you, Mum!" and the next time, she would say it again and again.

You must love her a lot to keep her with you and care for her - and believe me...every one of your guests know when she says something mean or inappropriate that she is not alright...so relax...have a little wine and don't let her get to you.

It is one day and if she wants a plate in her room...just say okay and send different people into check on her. She will get the extra attention she may need right now.

I think the bigger issue here is the whole hassle having to care for someone is when there are other things going on - things you like and look forward to get all screwed up when you have to add the extra work of caring for someone. One year, I bought a precooked turkey at a store - it was awful and I was mad all day and blamed my situation.

Doesn't it just get to be too much some times??

I called my kids god mother for her bd and told her my present to her was not being arrested for killing mom. We got a good laugh. her mom just died in Sept. and was like caring for a 2 year old after many strokes, so she knows what it is like. (our moms were best friends)
Yes HG, soemtimes it seems like too much. My stupid brothers have no idea what it is like nor do they care or call.

Every comment here is great. Just follow the advice and have a great day. Perhaps plan more entertaining in the future. You do not need to quit living the life you want because she wants to control everything. It's their fear you know. They are losing control and they know their life is ending and they don't know how to react to it. They are really just terribly frightened.

linji1 I hope the day went well - I can relate - it's almost like you are talking about my mom. I am having my Thanksgiving on Friday because I worked yesterday. I said that I would like to try and deep fat fry a turkey this year because I want to try something different and she said that if I did that she would refuse to eat any of it. Then I said I want to have sweet potato pie and she said oh ish - I don't want you getting that and I responded that it is my celebration too and i like that pie and I should be able to have what I like. She can eat pumpkin - but that never seems to be enough. She never wants me to have what I like unless she likes it too. She has always been self centered and that will not change any time soon. She is so use to everyone dropping what they are doing and catering to her. I am having what I like and what she likes and what the rest of my family likes and if she doesn't want to eat then she doesn't have to. I do not tolerate bad behavior anymore - if she wants to be nasty and act like a spoiled child than I will treat her like a spoiled child and she can be ignored. When I don't give in to her tantrums by not acknowledging them than she stops and will speak nicely to me. She wants me to communicate with her but I will not argue with her. When she has called me at work and is on the phone yelling at me I hang up. Life is too short for me to be constantly in negative energy. So in other words if she is nice she is rewarded with my attention - not nice I find something to do and ignore her. My mother is also anti social except to her children and grandchildren. My niece came to visit the other day and was surprised at how mean she spoke to me and laughed it off which I think is not the way to do that. When people are being mean they should be told that they are being mean. You would tell a friend even a stranger if they were doing that why not the person who raised you. When I tell my mother she is being mean she looks surprised and says she doesn't think she is being mean - she has gotten away with it so long that she doesn't even recognize that she is being hurtful. Yes she maybe afraid but even under fear you can be civil - especially to the ones who take such excellent care of them.

My mom cries and lays on the guilt if I tellher she was rude or mean, like I am the neanie for saying anything. Dinner went well, She stayed i room for the all the cooking I did. usually she ahs me in tears because I am tired and have so much to do. It was nice with her not on my case. She also stayed in her room for dinner and we had a great time. My #4 daughter got engaged and hour befor edinner. his parents were here for dinner adn we laughed and laughed at little kid stories about them. Yes, we had a great dinner.

I am so glad that you had a wonderful day -you deserve it and more.
Don't ever feel guilty - that doesn't work for me anymore because I am the only one who will take care of her and she is lucky I do so just like your mom is lucky to have you. Remember your value. I would only feel guilty if I put her away and never looked back. When my mom is being difficult she treats her like the children she cares for (she works in daycare) and tells her that she will be missed but that it is her choice not to participate. There is not much you can say to that.
Remember you can only be good for another human being if you are happy so find things that make you happy and do them. For when you look back on this time you will remember all the happy things and not just all the difficulties.
Take care linj1

Comment deleted by an Administrator