Message 25 of 297

Style Translated

(Suffice it to compare Claudel with only one of these
eminences [ literally, greatness ]: the one who owes him
everything.
The one who entered the profession [ literally, career ]
before his elder had left it.
The one who feeds on dust there, showing no trace of his
elder's virtues.
Yes, indeed ! Let us compare Claudel and this ostrich of
the sands.
Littre [ the French Webster, of course ] says: "The ostrich
is the largest bird of all known birds. It's size prevents it from
flying."
Yes indeed.
And a bird that thereupon dashes off in long strides across
the Oriental desert, the desert of Anabasis, and all we see
of it is a chicken's behind.
Yes indeed, indeed. A lightweight light in more senses than
one.
We'll be picking up some of the feathers lost on the way.)
antiaAARP's profile
Well this is just so excellent and original, it reminds me a bit of Pound.

The one part I thought wrong is the phrase ",of course" after the French Webster.

A person in this state of mind does not say ",of course" ... "the French Webster" suffices. This *is* the French Webster; that we have been told Littre is "the French Webster" is clear to the reader: therefore ",of course" is superfluous. One does not question what the poet tells us in this poem; one accepts what is said. Ergo, ",of course" is not required.

Other than that, I had great fun with this piece, I just think you are a true poet.

Also I would end the poem at "all we see of it is a chicken's behind."

You want to close on your strength and everything after is weaker than the chicken's behind, so drop the rest. Cut all your little darlings, and this is especially true at beginnings and at ends.

We have a tendency to want to summarize our poem (moralize, actually) as in "We'll be picking up some of the feathers lost on the way," but this, again, is best left unsaid: allow the reader to draw the reader's own conclusion and the reader will respect you more for your respect of them.

Really enjoyed this, antiaAARP, it's very strong. Don't know if this is old or new or what.

Best,

Skeeter

.
SkeeterThompson1's profile

over 2 years ago

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