I think many of us have had an identity crisis since we lost our spouses. We identified ourselves through our relationship with them and needed their affirmation to establish our confidence and worth. They were our mirror. What I'm trying to convince myself of is that Suzy was attracted to me because of who and what I had become prior to our initial meeting. Our positive attributes are what kept us together for 36 years. All of us still possess those admirable qualities that we had before we met our spouses. We are still that person. We didn't turn into monsters because of the tragic ending to our beautiful relationship with our spouse. I believe that we owe it to ourselves and to our departed partners to continue to be who we have always been. It's important for us to appreciate and champion the goodness and resilience that lies within us.
I want you to know this is scary. I was thinking of just the same thing and wondering if I should post!!! When Todd died we had been married 33 years. Our children were grown and gone. During his sickness both our dogs died withing 2 weeks of one another - one at 17 year and one at 8. I have essentially been married all my life as Todd was my second husband and I was married 14 years before him. Who am I now? Not a wife, empty nest not really sure I want to get "out there" - will there be rejection - If I fall in love will I lose that person to death, too? After all I am 65. Sometimes, although I have a GOOD life, I wonder sometimes why do I get up in the morning? Hope this doesn't sound self pitying - just reflection about - what now - who, what, where do I want to be now.
although I believe we are some what the same as when we married........values, humor, principles, I think we were inevitably changed by the years, the love, the devotion, the time and the becoming one with our spouse. I have often said we were not two who lost one, but one who lost a half. Those magical marriages where you blend, where you can read each others thoughts, they do change us. I think that change, that absolute feeling of love, trust and companionship is also what drives some of us to try again. We want to capture those pure feelings again. I look back and find that 37 years of marriage made me a much less selfish person, a person open to life and beauty and one who developed a wicked sense of humor because it wore off on me. I count my blessings for the many paths I have been allowed to walk. I marvel at my heroes who are my kids, James now 15, and Rose who is 13. They have shown me how to go on with life, to find the beauty, to appreciate the humor but most of all they have shown me that loving again does not in any way diminish the love their father and I shared. I think we all should celebrate not only the people we were but also the people we have become and the knowledge and appreciation we have gained. Love Ya, Lyn
When I went to a support group we were given a book titled Understanding Your Grief, by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. In it he stated that we need to reinvent ourselves. We have to find a new purpose in life. Find what will make us happy again. I think I have found that purpose. I found that my new purpose in life is not much different then before, just more satisfing. We all have to find something to make us get out of bed in the morning. And Helping others is mine.
Denny, I agreed to a point..I know I have lost my identity..Jay and I grew up together, we met at 17 and got married at 18 and for 40 years I was his wife, if I'm not his wife? Then what am I? Because we married so young we had our kids young and grew up with them also, they all have been on their own for 18 years, so I am left with nothing..No husband, all alone, lost my mother, brother-in-law, brother and a sister in the last 5 years also..I not only grew up with Jay, but he changed me in ways I never thought would be possible, he showed me the United States, since he had been a career Marine..I was a girly girl, he taught me to shoot guns, camp, fish (i never would bate the hook with a worm though YUCK), drive a motorcycle,( I decided I would rather be the passenger), body surf in the waves on the beaches of Hawaii. Now I am 60 and all I have left are memories of what was, yes I wouldn't be able to do all that anymore, but we were suppose to be the old couple who could swing on the porch and talk about all the adventures we had and enjoying our grandkids and the newest one, little Jaylyn will never know how wonderful her grandpa was and these are suppose to be the "Golden Years"? I really am sorry, not trying to drag anybody down, I think what has happened is I have tried to bury my heartache for so long to help our kids through this and now it all seems to have imploded on me..Anyways my point was, I wasn't the girl he fell in love with, he said he fell in love with my innosence, being a girly girl, and being really pretty only I didn't seem to know it. Then he set out to turn me into what he needed me to be for us to have a great life together that was cut much to short..I truely hope that someday I can find meaning to my life again, it seems like life is wasted on me..Sometimes I do glimse some happiness when I look at Jaylyn she has her grandpas eyes and sometimes his smile, so sometimes I hold her a little longer than neccessary and thank God that he sent her to us..Anyways you all have a blessed good night and God Bless Dawn
This is an interesting post and debate - for sure we all have our basic make up, instincts, good and bad, however, like Dawn says, after very long marriages, a lot of the other "players" who were around before, and during, the marriage are also gone. I do firmly believe that life is wasted on me. I'm not angry, not miserable, I actually do not feel anything most times, I certainly don't feel interest or excitment. I truly am on the outside looking in - and I just think I'm not going to enter the arena of life again. That's not to say I'm not indulging myself in making my home comfortable, workable and respecting Richard's "treasurers" etc.
Richard was my saviour who made my life very happy, it was not before, my childhood was not a happy one, my teens were not happy either - therefore, I choose to remain within my own little world, being polite and interacting a little.
I am even thinking of giving up my job at the hospital at the turn of the year (I'm off sick still with my foot). It's a big decision, but I've waited over a year before making such a big decision, but the hospital is not the place for me now.
Denny, it's good that you are thinking about your life and the way forward.
Denny I always enjoy reading your posts and that you return to add and help those that are new and those that have been here for a while. Your post made me feel the very same way. I am the same girl that I was before I met Tim and afterwards, but during that time I grew in a positive way - more understanding, forgiveness, tolerance, and being Thankful for having Love in my life. I couldn't imagine a life without Love, yet we are dealing with it now, and adjusted to it slowly but surely. Like someone posted, we have to re-invent ourselves - like Loving on a different level remaining the same person towards our family, friends, but without the intimacy/ Love that we had with our spouse. We adjust and put that energy into helping others which we all do here - that helps me and I'm sure you folks as well. Like that saying Life goes on ....... and so does Love .
Dawn life is not wasted - look at the beautiful life you had - how much your husband adored you, take that and hold onto it - His Love is around you, and like Tim, our husbands wouldn't want us to go downhill. Please know you raised beautiful children and have grandchildren that love you . Take those memories and hold onto them - but also know there are people here that care about you. You always add to the group. In the beginning I was so down and though I thought I couldn't rise up above it all I did slowly. My daughters illness and situation now makes me feel shaky with worry for her as I fear for her going through such a long surgery 11/23.. But I must be strong for her as my positive energy will be felt by her. The guardian angel medal I had in her incubator 35 yrs ago when she was not to live for the first week is going with her to the hospital. Each time she had surgery all her life that medal was there from the days she was a near dying 3 lb baby born with many abnormalities. We have to hold onto to something Dawn - hold onto your Love and that lovely story you told. You will make it and with so many good people around you here how can you not?
Hugs for a wonderful/peaceful night Wishing you a Light heart Chris
The wonderful thing about a good marriage is that those positive attributes from both tend to combine. We learn from each other and emulate the other partner to some degree. That's how we become "one". And that's why the other partner can never truly cease to exist in this life as long as we are still here.
Denny, that is so true. Every morning I wake up and think "open each day like a precious gift". Jim said that every morning. Then I think oh, I'm still here. I think that what the heart has learned from being loved never goes away but the struggle to accept what has happened takes longer. Longer then others will allow us and longer then we could ever have imagined. I accept that I am just existing now and I will feel this way as long as it feels right. I don't want to be with someone else but I do want to feel passion and joy in my life again. I don't know where I am going or how I will get there but I don't want to always be where I am now. Joyce
