HELP! It was a horrid weekend for all of us who love my 39 y/o addict son. He left his house on Fri. afternoon and wasn't heard from again until yesterday afternoon, leaving his wife, daughter and the rest of us to wonder where he was and if he was overdosed, hurt or worse. He is at the end of his rope, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have thought for some time now that God and the devil were in hand to hand combat for his soul, and it appears the devil is winning. My son seems completely devoid of any feelings, compassion or love for anyone or anything except his habit and his barroom buddies (oh, yeah, and the tramp he told his wife he was with all weekend). He absolutely hates me because I don't condone his behavior, and has already sent his notice that he will not be attending any family Thanksgiving activities with the rest of us. He is so full of hatred and disgust for anything with a grain of moral fiber to it...I feel like I've already lost my real son and this alien person has taken the form of his body. I know I can't fix anything about him, but how can I keep from worrying about this person I carried for nine months, the sweet little boy who only wanted to please, the church altar boy who revelled in lighting the candles on Sunday morning? What happened and where did things go so terribly wrong? It breaks my heart to think of how he was and what he has become. Any ideas about how to get him and his problems out of my head, at least for a little while???
Nanny I have been in your place many times and I can tell you from experience. All you can really do is hand him over to God. I swear, when they find out how much they worry you, they enjoy it. Don,t let his hatred and anger make you bow down to his wishes. Just love him and let him know that when he gets clean and sober he will be welcome back to the family. You have to act like whatever he says doesn,t hurt you. I know how hard it is, but thats the only way you will survive this. It usually gets worse before it gets better. Have faith and hang in there and come here when you need to talk or just a shoulder to cry on. We,ve all been there.
P.S. My boy, who is forty six is in prison for home invasion trying to pay for his habit. I pray every day that he will wake up and see what he,s doing to himself and the rest of the family while I,m still alive. I,m sixty eight and I,m sure not getting any younger. We have had problems with him since he was fourteen.
In some ways, I have been"lucky". Many here speak of thier addict "child" showing hatred and contempt for thier family. My son never did that. He hurt us for sure with the way he abused himself with drugs, he stole from us all to get his drugs early on. But he never stopped loving me and his brothers. After his last rehab he promised he would never put himself or the ones he loved through the horrors his drug use put us through again.Four months later he relapsed and took his life. I have no advice on how to bring peace to you, Nanny. Even "let go and let God" cann't ease a mothers pain.
Fourteen seems to be the magic number with our addict child..I pray that all parents watch there child carefully and donnt bury thier heads in the sand. There are many warning signs and we need to be aware of them as parents and grandparents.If I had been more dilligent back then,maybe my beautiful son would still be here living the life he deserved.
Its been 3&1/2 years he's been gone and today is yet another difficult day for me. I sit here typing through my tears for what could have been.
How my heart breaks for you and your family....I do believe there is war on for these people's souls. I guess the only thing I have to offer you, ( it will be one year on Thanksgiving that my son has participated in any family functions because we are all 'hater's in his mind...this because we hold him to certain family values...he feels they don't apply to him,,,,he no longer speaks to any of his sisters and certainly not to me) is that I know exactly how you feel.
What I have done, at the advice of a spiritual counselor, is to create a picture of David in my mind with Jesus in control of him. and to take a picture of David and place it somewhere away from pics of the other kids, and place a candle in front of it. When I feel despair, I pull up the image of David in Jesus' arms...if that doesn't work, I go to his picture and light the candle and pray for him....when I am done, I close the door to David's room in my mind. And walk away. I have a 'real' place and a spiritual place to put David and find rest and peace.
Right now you are having to revisit some horrible memories and times in your life....and also facing some of your worst fears....I have found that some days, it is moment by moment...and eventually it becomes hour by hour, and then day by day...
As long as their is breath, there is hope. I'm going to visit David's pic and pray for him and for your son. And most especially for you...
Hello Nannyjanny, I feel you pain. May God Bless you and your family. I believe too that the drug is the devil. It's the most difficult thing to deal with when you see your child destroying himself. Keep praying and try exercising, even if you just go for a long walk. I need to do more exercise, when I do I feel somewhat better. My doctor put me on an anti depressant and I have been going for counseling, I don't know if it helps or not. You may want to talk to a professional/or maybe you have already? There have been times when my addicted son would see his brother crying and he seemed to have no emotions. I don't think that they intentionally don't care, it's the power of the drug. God Bless you, Linda
Dear Friends, Thanks to each of you who have taken time to post a response to this message. I've been going through these issues with Barry long enough to know very well that there is really nothing I can do except pray and let God intervene in His own time. I truly believe that Barry is nearing the end of his road. He will either clean his life up, go to jail for DUI or worse, or he will die...the latter of course being my worst nightmare. He isn't speaking to me right now because I don't condone his behavior and he knows he can never make me like what he's doing. What I hate the most is the way I feel like we have to walk on eggshells when he's around and the way he treats his family, most of all his 12 y/o daughter. He rarely even speaks to her, and when he does it's usually in a hateful, sarcastic tone. The latest chapter in this saga involves an affair with some woman he met in the bar (his home away from home) last week, so now in his infinite wisdom he has decided to leave his family and go live with her. I worry so about the message he's sending his little girl. Is she going to grow up thinking that the way to get a man is to hang around a bar? Or is the lack of her father's attention going to leave its mark on her? None of us have a crystal ball that tells us what the future holds, and I am still rational enough to know that worry is fruitless. I'm going to make every attempt (again) to turn this mess over to God. I'm also going to follow your example, Deelynn, and set up a photo of Barry with a candle next to it so I can go there to pray for him and give him over to God whenever this feeling of helplessness I carry gets unbearable.
Thank you all again for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. I consider each of you a treasured friend and I am so glad we are here for each other.
I pray that God will bless and watch over all of us AND our children.
I am just writing to add my support as I am in so much emotional pain that I don't have the strength to do more. I've had a very hard week with my son and I still love him and remember his wonderful personality. I have been praying a lot and relying on the great support of this group.
be thankful that you are asking the right question and not still looking for ways to change or fix it. the damn stuff just makes profound changes in people. it's like their brains have been rewired. I take small pleasures where I can find them. little things like fishing or giving this wonderful old(85) character I know a ride to church. I try to take good care of myself and exercise to keep as much depression as possible away. and I pray for my son. miracles do happen. I'll pray for yours too.
I feel I just went into regression myself. Most of you know that Andrew has not contacted me in 6 months. I have kept sending emails but no response whatsoever. My daughter too stopped writing him as he stole money from her. She let him live with her in her apartment.
My daughter wrote to her addicted brother, my son, Andrew. First time in 5 months. Andrew responded almost immediately. She called me to tell me as he has broken ties with me. Refuses to have anything to do with me.
She asked him if he needed his winter clothes as he lives in Canada. And it is getting cold over there. She lives there too. He said yes, but he did not want to see her as he has swine flu and that he is going to hospital for liver work. We already know He also has hepatitis from drug use, sharing needles/syringes etc.
What we don't know is........ if this latest story is true. We don't know for sure if it is true or not. He has always told us things to gain pity. He is not the healthiest. Smokes as well.
My daughter and I are so co dependent which I see thus: "Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!; With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally, we have dysfunctional relationships externally.
Codependency is an emotional and behavioral defense system which our egos adapted in early childhood to help us survive; We were raised in shame based, emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environments by parents who were wounded in their childhoods by patriarchal, shame based civilization that treated children and women as property [from something I read on line but it made sense to me]. I grew up in a fear based family and that is how I react. Dad used to beat Mom and us and we never knew if he would be mad, get mad or whatever. He was terribly abused as a child himself; so he taught me what he had learned.
immediately my daughter wondered if he needed vitamins or what could she do for him. It left me feeling nervous. I don't know if this drama is real or made up to get pity from us. I suppose, he does think that she will communicate that message to me. I just felt physical fear. My stomach knotted up and I felt like I was holding my breath. My fear came back in an instant.
I had to sit and take stock for a moment to ground myself. My gut says. Do nothing. Sit still. Let it be. But my hands are trembling.
I cannot give in to the fear. It normally has controlled me and I am trying to heal that by all therapy and reading. . It is funny how are bodies let us know......
Thanks for letting me share. I needed to do that. Would you too, just let it be for now. I just shared this information with Sadlinda too. Her's is the first one I saw. Thanks so much, EON friends. for being here for me. I know you understand me. My best
Dear Hope....I am praying for you and your family....thank you for sharing the definition and explanation of codepency...it helped me to understand what I've done and what I go through.
