NEW MEXICO CHILE' COOKOFF
New Mexico Chili Cook off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
The reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have l ived in New Mexico , you know how true
this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza ..
Judge
#3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting
from
Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two
judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick..
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw
the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more
beer before I ignite . Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.. Woman is
starting to
look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's
going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot
chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
The reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have l ived in New Mexico , you know how true
this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza ..
Judge
#3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting
from
Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two
judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick..
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw
the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more
beer before I ignite . Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.. Woman is
starting to
look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's
going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot
chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
