I Don't Think I Can Do This Anymore
And I don't want to! Where is the contract or whatever it was I signed up for that said life was suppose to be so sad and lonely? I think I've been in a coma and have just woke up to the cold hard facts, Jay my husband of 40 yrs, would have been 41 now is gone, and he Is NEVER COMING BACK! The nightmares I have been having hasn't helped, thurs night, he lay in the hospital dying all over again only he was in ICU and they wouldn't let me stay in with him for very long, but every chance I got I would kiss, kiss and kiss his mouth and it felt warm and soft and I would beg the nurse to let me stay only she said it was against the rules, but yet the guy who was also in there had his 2 pet alligators in there and she said that was ok cause they were tame..Yes a stupid dream, but he looked like what he did when he was dying and I had to see it again and I woke up..So Fri night I dreamed that he came back to me, he said he hadn't really been dead, only OSU hadn't checked and he was buried alive, he still looked sick, but I was panic stricken because I knew he would have to be dead again because of the date on our headstone, and everyone knows you can't change things if it is written in stone..I woke up again shaking, I have cried so much I should be dehydrated..So I called my sister and went to Columbus and spent the night with her, I was better but on my way home tonight the misery and utter aloneness was like a cloud decending on me and I get on here and read the posts of all you brave people, and I am such a bawl baby and here Sue is going through all that with her daughter and has over and over and I will pray for all of them...Here her daughter is trying so hard to live and been through so much and my life has no meaning anymore..I'm sure God is even dissapointed in me, I think I need to pray for myself to and hope that he will forgive me..God Bless all of you Dawn
Dawn, I'm really really sorry you have been having such terrible nightmares - I don't know what to say, except to say that I'm thinking of you, you are often very strong fo us here online, I think even this post of yours is "helpful" in a way as it does show that even passing the year does not mean our minds and hearts will move on and it's so evident that we can be transported back to that awful time, and worse still a contorted view of it.
Dreams can be a double edged sword, when they are happy, it's depressing waking up and realising reality. I have had the odd dream over this past year whereby I've dreamt that more could have been done for Richard, or that he recovered (which is not as bad as your nightmare described) but mostly I dream that he's here with me when I'm asleep - I still, at 14 months move quietly in bed because I don't want to wake him, I even hear and feel him sleeping beside me,even see him sometimes in a haze, I know I'm lucky - I honestly think he comes home to rest sometimes with me, and I love that feeling, it used to alarm me, but now I accept it and my life plan is to see my years out in OUR bungalow, together, doing hobbies I know he loved seeing me doing (although I never had much time to do them, which is why if I did sit down on a Sunday afternoon - he'd say how much he loved seeing me getting on with my hobbies - so I know it's my way forward).
Dawn I hope you have a better day today and a more peaceful night and dreams. It is shocking and physically draining to have such a terrible nightmare - be thinking of you = Wishing you sweat dreams - Jeanette xxx
oh, Dawn, I am so sorry you are still having such a rough time. I'm sure it helps to share these awful dreams.... to just sort them out and make some sense of them. I was plagued with nightmares right after Gary died.... the doctor gave me Atavan to help my mind relax. I never took them, and the dreams eventually went away. Have you mentioned this to your physician ?? It is not at all unusual and it is perfectly normal, which I know doesn't help, but just know that you are not alone.
And.... Nobody is disappointed in you. We all have our different ways of dealing with our grief.... it's a horrible thing to have to absorb, the terrible experiences we have had to go through. I know it's hard to believe, but you will feel better at some point and the bad memories will fade. I do hope you feel better soon. ((( HUGS )))
I sure wish I could offer some good advice, but I can't. I hope you find peace in all of this.
Dawn, Everytime I have said that, something has happened to change my mind. The fact is, that we CAN do it! It's not fun and it's not easy, but each of us does it in our own unique way. I recall when I was maybe six years old and my Dad and I would walk to the local neighborhood grocery/soda fountain in the evening. It was about a mile or so from our house and downhill all the way. On the return trip (uphill), I would usually get tired. Dad would always say, "You can do it. Just put one foot in front of the other and take it one step at a time." His words have served me well. I didn't realize what a metaphor that is for all of the struggles that we face in life. Sometimes, we need to look backward to see how far we've come up that hill.
Just keep putting that one foot in front of the other.
Denny
Dawn, You can't give up. We all have to continue on. Like Denny said we have to put one foot in front of the other. I am sorry you are having such terrible dreams. I had them too, right after Bob had passed. I was seeing his last days over and over again. Over the months since then they have eased and now I don't dream at all. Well at least none that I can remember. If you continue to have these dreams, I would suggest that you see your doctor. He may be able to give you something to help you. I hope you have a peaceful day and that you sleep well tonight. Hugs.....Sue
Dawn, I can't add much myself. I still have some times that I wish I just wouldn't wake up in the morning. But I know that's not the answer because I have seen those in the group ride this roller coaster and seen them progress from total dismay to relatively normal life. Not that they won't take a dip again here or there. I'm so sorry that you are down right now. But hang on until it lightens a little. Hugs, Deb
Dawn, you can do this. You are doing it. Life is hard for us right now. I am also suffering a set back. I hate being alone without Dave. I HATE IT! However I am moving along and you are too. Just so you know God understands and is not disappointed with you.
You did the right thing by coming here.This forum is my life line. All you can do now is hang in there and know you are not alone. I hope you feel not so bad very soon.
((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))
Sheila~
Dawn, I can relate to what you're feeling. I haven't been plagued by nightmares, but I have felt that "I can't do this any more." But, our lives DO have meaning. Maybe we just haven't found it yet. I'm not sure what I'm 'supposed' to do, either. But, like the others have said, it's just one foot in front of the other til we get there.
Jay would not want you suffering, nor would he want you to be lonely.
I'm so glad you shared with us. You have been such a wonderful friend!
hugs...marty
Keep coming here to the posts. I know while you're in the midst of this, it seems insurmountable but you did a good thing by coming here. You may feel like you can't do this right now, so let us shoulder it with you. We're here. I know we're an online group but trust me, this group is the best healing I got anywhere! And no, God isn't disappointed in you because here you are sharing and posting. That's not giving up, that's fighting to stay strong. It might not be the way you want to be but struggling, surviving isn't pretty, it's real.
I'm afraid I'm in denial most times. I just don't think of things to get through the work day. If you need to do that, that's ok too. Whatever we need to do to get through! But it sounds like you're confronting things head on. I know you feel rotten now but you're facing it.
You're stronger than you think!
Ok, I'm back.....
For those that don't know me, I was on here a long time and love the peope that helped me. I moved on, but I still read the posts and respond every now and then. I just caught Dawn's post. I know it is so darn hard and we feel so cheated. Everyone used to say to me that everything happens for a reason and I wanted to hit each and every one of them. I told someone to "walk in my shoes" for a day and then say that. I was quite ugly at times, but that was the anger. YES, you CAN do this, Dawn. And I say this because everytime I'd get like this someone told me to stop and ask myself "what would my husband want me to be doing?" I know he wouldn't want me miserable and not able to put one foot in front of the other. So, I had to pull up my big girl panties and find a life. I traveled and visited friends and family when I could, I do some work at home, I was doing another part time job that I love until a lay off, I volunteer, I go out with friend, etc., etc. The list goes on. I make myself get out and do something. I had surgery in August and started feeling sorry for ME again and ended up on my couch for a few weeks. I knew this was not good for me mentally or physically. Now, I'm back in the4 world again. Dawn, Do what he would want you to do! And ask for guidance. Don't be afraid to talk to someone either. I did....
Thanks for allowing me to post again everyone. I miss you all and don't see a lot of names on here that were here when I was here. Guess we move along eventually. I'm always here privately if anyone needs to vent or talk. I've done lots of grief counseling it seems since this happened. Everyone take care and have a wonderful Thanksgiving if possible.
Betsy
