I think in many cases that once a couple is legally married, previous boundaries begin to blur, eventually disappearing, and the two merged indivuals, having lost personal space, now fight over domination of the same space, forgetting that it is the unique separateness that drew them together in the first place.

good evening Wakeup ;o) I dated my ex wife for 3 yrs before we got married, we did not live togeather before we got married and I should have seen the red flag's popping up, butt I didn't !! and soon after we got married she made a compleat 180 turn around ?? my freinds noticed it before I did and I stayed with her for 3 yrs while all her social problems got too strange for me !!

I didn't get married, I was simply going to live with the guy I had known for a few years...the closer it got, the more demeaning and controlling he got....

I will never get married. It serves no purpose at this age, and if my last and most recent breakup is any indication of living with a guy, I will fore go that also.

I recently had this discussion with a "bf", and we both are of the opinion that as long as there are no legalities each party knows they must behave themselves if they want to keep the person they have in their lives.
Once the paperwork is signed, most people tend to relax and stop working on the relationship... Bad news, IMO.

It is just my opinion but I feel that while courting the lady a man is on his best behavior, treats his lady correctly and does the little things that ladies like. After they get married he stops courting her. Men should continue to court their ladies forever.

Ladies you should understand that men are very different than you. They do not want or need to be changed, just encouraged. Similar to what I said for the men you should treat the men well at all times, keep the courtship alive.

I think a lot of times men or women have a preconceived notion of how a marriage partnership should work, and haven't actually discussed it. One very important question to explore before marriage is, "How do you see marriage impacting our roles in this relationship?" Ideally, they shouldn't be impacted at all, but the reality is different.

I've seen people live together happily for years, and then it falls apart right after the wedding. In the two cases I know of, the man assumed that marriage meant his new wife would be playing a different (more traditional) role. And she was blindsided by this expectation. The men involved couldn't believe the women didn't expect that, because surely going to a traditional marriage relationship meant that traditional roles were going to start?

This is quite a different scenario from those horrible times when people keep up a false front until their relationship is legally binding. I had that happen with my second husband, and it sounds like it's happened to others.

Who in the heck knows.....relationships are a strange thing. You just never know when you decide to make it a permant thing, then things seem to change. oh well..............

Thank you all for responding.From what you have all said, it seems like some good long serious counselling sessions before marriage should help.
HB, exactly what do you mean by "traditional marriage relationship"?

I know exactly what HB means. I have been married twice. In the first instance, my husband pretended to enjoy all the things I enjoyed and as soon as the honeymoon was over, I realized the honeymoon was over. He was his real self from that point on and we were as different as day and night.

My second husband remained the same person after living together and then marrying. However, his idea of a wife in bed turned out to be very 'traditional' compared to the mistress in bed.

I suppose it has to do with the legality of actual marriage and the fact that both partners revert to more traditional roles, even if subconsciously. The difficult part is knowing who we REALLY are before we enter any relationship, marriage or not.

Fella, you are such a WISE man.

I had exactly that happen to me in my marriage. Once he had me, he thought he didn't have to try anymore. I din't try to change him or control him, just tried to understand him. I worked hard to keep him happy, and I never really could. That was my mistake, not his. He got a family, beautiful sons, a clean home, and dinner on the table every night when he got home. I tried to be Wonder Woman, because in addition to taking care of my family and home, I worked full time, and volunteered in my church.

Well, in short, times change, people change. I changed, and so did he. So, he went his own way, and so did I. ANd, the marriage fell apart. I guess the moral of my story is, never stop trying, keep rekindling the love. It is like a fire, if you don't tend it, it dies.