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About a month ago, my first ex called me from Nevada where he has been staying with his third wife. We have kept in contact thru the years and are still friends. I divorced him because his old heroin habit (which I was not aware of) surfaced after Josh was born and his drinking increased along with his cheating and lying. I did still love him but was not about to raise a child in that kind of environment. About 15 years ago he almost died from encephalitis. He was in a coma for almost a month and came very close to leaving this world on a few occasions. He miraculously recovered and had to learn a lot of things over again. It took nearly 18 months for him to recover fully and thankfully, he has been clean and sober ever since. All of this occurred while he was living in Nevada. He and his wife had split up before his illness so to make a fresh start, he moved to Texas to live near his brother. He got a job at Texas A & M doing maintenance where he met the mother of one of the students. They hit it off right away but unfortunately she lived in Canada. So, they carried on a long distance romance for about 4 years, only seeing each other 2 or 3 times a year. ARE YOU TOTALLY BORED YET? A couple of years ago he took the plunge, sold his mobile home, his truck, packed up all his belongings and moved to Canada to be with her. About 8 months later they were ready to kill each other and he called me and wanted to come here to live. I gave it a lot of thought and decided that it wouldn't be a good idea because Josh was living with us then and he was completely against it. They had no relationship at all while Josh was growing up so there was a lot of hostility there. So, I told Kenny no. The phone call a month ago started out to be a Hi, How are ya call. Then he called again and again and again. During one of those calls, he asked me what I was doing for the next 20 years. I told him that I didn't know and he asked if I wanted to spend them with him. I told him we could give it a try and see how things went. He is due to arrive by train next Wednesday evening and I am getting more apprehensive with each day. Now Josh is all for it and wants to establish a relationship with Kenny before he gets married. I laid out some ground rules for Kenny and he's accepted them all. No sleeping together, no sex, do your own cooking if I don't feel like it, do your own laundry, etc. He says he wants to try to regain the friendship and closeness we once had.
So, am I absolutely crazy? Should I call him and tell him not to come? My emotions and thoughts are all over the place. I'm nervous, excited, panicky, etc. Any thoughts, advice? I would love some feedback please!

wow. Don't think I could do it, but more power to you and wish you the best of luck. Stick to your rules, that's really going to be the hard part.

witchy, sometimes you do what feels right whether it makes sense or not. you have kept in contact with kenny through a lot of stuff. he seems to respect your boundaries and since you are in part excited, the closeness will likely grow again.

a good chance for josh to bond with kenny and see the foundation that you two built together yet that was rocky from addictions. clean and hopefully somewhat wiser kenny might be good to have around.

you are scared though because you have seen him stumble and bounce through life yet he seems changed right? if you feel like he will pull you down then you might want to go slow with how cozy you all get.

witchy i am probably not the best person to ask - i would do anything for love and remain a hopeless romantic.

some people say what you dont know cant hurt you

i believe the exact oppositie

find out where he has lived (each address) for the past 10 years

do a criminal record search online .. it will cost you about $30 - $50 dollars

if there are some arrests, convictions, foreclosures, uncollected debts, wifes, children, etc that give you pause

call him and tell him not to come

yes this might make good sense yet there is some reason you two are still in contact...

Hope he's not moving in with you, sounds like that might be the case. Is he a co-dependent person who can't be alone? I think it is good to have his recent background info, let him come to town but get a job and his own place. See if he is able to assume responsibility and provide for himself before he moves in with you- he will still be able to rebuild a relationship with you and your son. Something bout it all just makes me shake my head... be careful with, and listen to your heart.
~Peace

I agree with fancifulm make him get his own place first. Once he is moved in its alot harder to get him out.

wow ... great advice ... tough love

which is a very good idea when what should come first is protecting your son and yourself

Remember that you asked for our opinion:
Here is mine:
1 Insanity is doing the same think over and over and expecting a different outcome.
2 We teach our children by our acts, not our words. What lesson is your son learning from his junkie father?
3 You are deluded if you think that "this time, it will be different." Wake up, woman.

Now, this all sounds mean and harsh. I know of which I speak. You must not jeopardize the life you have built for a pie-in-the-sky dream of redeeming this man's life. That is his job.
We enablers live with this secret dream of changing the one we love(d) by virtue of our strong feelings. The dream is just as strong as the one making the addict pick up the crack pipe, the syringe once again after cleaning up, sometimes after years.
One of the tenets of AA and NA is
"You must change people, places and things in order to attempt getting a handle on you addiction."

I know, I am talking to the wind. No matter what other people have experienced, only your personal experience is valid in your life.

My thoughts are with you,
Wollhexe

this is an emotionally charged situation. witchy this must be hard to read and surely is not making your decision any easier.

my response was an emotion based reaction. thinking you two had been in contact for so long - there must be something left to build something on. or rebuild. i read that he has been clean. maybe your son wants you to be with someone so he is okay with this.

we don't have the full story. ironically i have been alone for a couple years because of heeding the precautions above - looked out for my son, and my heart. said goodbye.

does the possibility of kenny getting an apartment close - even a 6 month lease - doable? believe me i have heard the why should we both pay when we can live together speech, ... will he be able to find work?

do you think that he really wants to be with you and forge a new relationship with your son, or do you feel like he is looking for an answer?

what do you feel kenny will bring to the situation that will enhance you life? will you aside from not feeding him or sleeping with him feel responsible for him?

be safe... be compassionate if he deserves compassion. if you need more time to decide ask for it.