I am surrounded by a furry family - demanding, misbehaving, seeking affection. I 'visit' with each of them, and the cats 'talk' back to me. But it's not enough.
Today I felt so lost without David's observations, insight, encouragement, asking for help, asking if I need help, just saying "please" and "thank you" and "I love you." Those little exchanges we shared meant more than I knew.
Of course, I miss his touch, the sound of his music, the smell of his after-shave lotion, and just knowing he's here. The sadness has crept back in with the realization of my new reality.
I've been doing Christmas shopping for the step-kids and their 'babies,' and that's been fun, but the fun part stops when I anticipate another Christmas without David.
I am sorry you are having a down day, and I know you know that it, too, will pass, you are right to let us know how you are feeling, you often are so strong for the rest of us. Christmas is a difficult time, having had so many with David. For me last Christmas was, of course, awful, friends all inviting me to "their" family traditions, each one thinking I should to to them. This year, to make it a different Christmas, but also to keep me out of the Cemetery, I am travelling away from home to stay with my neice and her two sons. I am reckonning that it is the only way to get through it this year for me, I just cannot pass thro' another one like last year. I feel that Christmas is overwhelming me again and I just don't know how I'm going to get cards out, I wonder if people will mind if I don't - last year there was an excuse as it was so close to losing Richard.
Marty I hope you soon feel better, I'm thinking about you - take good care and perhaps have a pamper day today, relax and take things easy. Jeanette xx
This will be my second Christmas without Ann, but in a way it'll be my first because she passed away on Nov. 9th and last year I was still in shock and numb from the loss. This year I have to think about it, I can't just hide and expect everybody to understand. This year will be difficult, I'm sure.
Marty, you describe my life to a "T". I miss all the "little things" and realize that those things aren't so little after all. I wish I could explain it to my daughter and her husband so they could understand those things now rather than having to wait until it's too late.
This will also be my second year without Sam for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He loved Thanksgiving as he loved to help me cook. We did a lot of the cooking together with either the music on or the news on the TV. He couldn't carry a tune and was tone deaf but he loved music and we would sing along with some of the songs will we were fixing the meal for my family. I never laughed at his off key singing and I find myself missing that so much at times. He didn't like all the hoopla that Christmas brought and stayed away while I decorated the house. But, he loved the music of Christmas and it was on in the house all day long after Thanksgiving. We would make a fire in the fireplace sometimes and just sit on the floor listening to the Christmas songs watching the flames of the fire.
This next thought has nothing to do with the holidays but brought up emotions that I didn't expect to come to the surface. Sam loved lighthouses. A local gift shop had a bell pull painted with three different lighthouses. I saw it and the tears began to form in front of my friend. When I came home from work yesterday, there was a small sack with the following note "This isn't a Christmas present for you but a present of remembrance." I have been welling up with tears all last night and now this morning. I have it in the kitchen right now until I can think of an appropriate place to hang it.
This year will be equally hard to be alone but I think I will be able to send out cards this year. At least that is how I think I feel right now. Who knows, as the time draws nearer I might change my mind again.
The holidays are hard, as are the special days that each couple had. I don't know if it will help anyone else but after I lost my husband, my family started a few new traditions to honor him. The one I like the best is that we no longer put an angel or star on top of the Christmas tree, we put his cowboy hat that we outline with small lights. Therefore, dad is still with us at Christmas, right on top of the tree. We all know what a roller coaster of emotion that grief and loss bring. There is no predicting how any given situation will strike you, what might bring back the bittersweet memories and what might trigger the sweet, warm memories. We learn just to live day by day. To give ourselves permission to grieve but to also give ourselves permission to live. And in living well and in the manner that our loved ones would want we create the most extraordinary memorial to them. As I have said before, I believe they understand our tears and our fears, but they revel in our happiness, laughter and love of life. May we all find enough to do to keep our hands busy and our hearts lighter. The love never dies, it lives forever in your heart. Love Ya, Lyn
Marty, I am so sorry that this anticipation is getting you down. It is hard to look forward to the holidays with any sense of joy. This will be my first time through the holidays without Ken. Throughout the holidays the doctors were alternating between hope/no hope so it was hard.
I too am being pulled in different directions as to what to do for each holiday. I would prefer to be alone but I have kids to think about so I guess that's not going to happen. With the support of each other, I know we will make it through whatever we each have to endure.
Marty, you said it so well. The realization that this is the new reality is so hard. I wish that I could fast forward to January and skip the holidays. Last year I did skip the holidays but deceided this year to have Thanksgiving. It was our holiday and Jim and I cooked and prepped together. I invited my family and his already so that I wouldn't chicken out. I am going to include Jim in the day but it will never be the same.
Thinking of you Marty and everyone else that will be missing their love as the holiday season approaches. Joyce
yep...no doubt about it..I think the holidays will always be hard particularly for those of us who were married to our loved one for many many years. This will be my third holiday season...it's the first time I will send out cards...I'm not dreading it quite as much as the past but still, I went to a friends recently who had her whole house decorated already (to the NINE"S) with two trees, presents wrapped, wreaths on every window...it was a bit much and I did feel a bit sad thinking about the season without him again. But we all know we must carry on, they would want us to, and we have family to consider too. God bless us all as we continue the journey...
Marty, You know how I feel about the holidays anymore and this year is not any different for me. This will be the 3rd holidays without my Jack and I just blurted out to my son that Christmas sucks for me anymore. I know I should have probably kept that to myself after I saw his reaction, but it does and I can't fake the truth so much anymore. I am so sorry that you are down right now, but you know that the thinking before hand of the special day is worse than the actual days, so if we could only turn off our minds until the day comes, we would be okay. But we can't, so we all have to be there for each other and I am here for you whenever you need me, my friend. So hang in there and we will all get through these holidays together. Hugs, Kathy
Marty, I am sorry you are having a down day. I am like you with having my furry friend around me. I miss Bob's touch, his laugh and how he made me laugh, his smile and his kindness. It is a new reality for us that we are going to be alone. The holidays are the hardest time for us. I am having Thanksgiving dinner with my neighbors one day, not really looking forward to it. I am helping at the Grange which will be serving Thanksgiving dinner for the community the day before and Thanksgiving Day, the most important for me is with my son. I will not decorate for Christmas, no point to it because I don't have any family but my son. I don't know if I will send out cards and I don't have to buy presents for anyone. My husband wasn't much for the holiday's. To him it was just like any other day. For me I have always felt that Christmas was for the kids. I just wish the time would go by with out me.
This will be my second set of holidays but he died so close to Thanksgiving, it was all like a blurr. I went back to New Orleans but I don't think I can do that this year. Every time I go back it opens up old wounds. It's not the same and the few family I have left there are drifting away. That happens to families a lot. I'll take a ride down but not on a holiday, maybe a weekend. Will probably stay home with my daughter and grandson. She has a new boyfriend - not one especially to my liking but that's her road to travel, not mine. I might make a big dinner, sleep late, and play video games with my grandson all day. Somewhere in there I'll make midnight Mass and that'll be where I find Christmas this year: the songs, the flowers, the candle I will light for him and all our loved ones. It's in the light that shines in the middle of the darkest night where we are loved and blessed.
