groups

I would think all of us who have suffered the loss of a spouse have developed the ability to perform quite well as actors and actresses. We suppress our inner feelings, hide our chronic unhappiness and loneliness and even put a smile on our faces. Invariably when we are asked "how are you doing/" we answer "fine, coming along." Usually we pull this acting job off quite well, but sooner or later we give a bad performance and our real state of mind comes through. What we have repressed and suppressed both on a conscious and subconscious level breaks through. We feel like we felt shortly after our spouses died. Given enough time, we cycle back up again and we go back into the acting role. I think all of us experience this. It is a part of grieving. You are not alone in these feelings, Casey. Hopefully with the passage of enough time we may stop acting our parts and become part of the audience.
Marty

Hi Casey my friend, I know what you are saying, my motto for the last 14 months has been "fake it, til you make it". Last night was really hard cause our middle son was having a hard time of it, so I always try to be strong for him..Today was especially hard our town had a Veterans Day parade today, that is always a real sad reminder of how my husband gave his life for our country and the only reminder is, the check I receive at the 1st of every month the check says compensation death benefit. Its laughable as to what they think is compensation, but I should be grateful. No he wasn't killed in war, but due to what he did in the Marine Corps and them not knowing then that the jet fuel he laid around in would someday give him the type of luekemia that he died from and to tell you what kind of man he was, he said even if he would have known what was to happen, he would have still done it all over again, that their is no greater honor than to serve and die for your country..But I feel a little selfish and want him here anyways I would not change a thing either, I still would have married him..Hopefully I'm making since, I'm on some pain pills right now that make me a little goofy but that is better than dealing with the pain, if only there was a pill for emotional pain..I hope that tomorrow finds you in better spirits and some happiness come your way...God Bles Dawn

Karen, Marty (Ophth)is so right: What we have repressed and suppressed both on a conscious and subconscious level breaks through. I've been in that same place these past few days. Fortunately (?) I don't have anyone to 'act okay' for, and I've been pretty miserable emotionally. My body aches, my heart aches, my brain aches. I've forced myself to do some yard work -- all the time talking to David and telling him how much I appreciated his doing it. My heart pops in, from time to time, to convince me that he will be back. Maybe some day I will level out...
or maybe I am already in the process of leveling out?
We can do this journey - together.
Hugs...marty

thanks to all who answered. At least I dont have to feel goofy. As you say I felt like I was doing ok until this hit. Wierd how it just jumps up and bites ya. It probably was a little green eyed monster. Idid my angel food project Saturday and the lady that has charge of it was accompanied by her husband who pitched right in. They are my age 60 and the idea that this could continue as such a long lonely journey sucks ditchwater. Today has been better as I had to work and that takes too much concentration to brood. Thanks again for understanding.

Casey, I had to giggle and feel not alone. I too get jealous when I see a couple that has been married a long time and are still blessed with more years. That is not to say I am not happy for them, but darn it I wanted that too! Still I try to find comfort in the fact that I had 37 magical, loving, years and some even though blessed with time never find that magic.
It has been 2 years, 8 months and 2 days for me today. There are still times I look for him, especially when I need comforting and the the sad reality hits, the one I would turn to for comfort is the one that is gone. Yet, when I need him most I can still feel him near and the years we did have together allow me to know what he would say or do.
We all travel this journey in our own way and time, no one ever said it would be easy or just. But somewhere, sometime it was said that life is what you make of it. You can decide which way you want to see it. I try to see it with beauty and humor and know that my husband would be proud of not just me but the great kids he left with me.
Love Ya, Lyn

"somewhere, sometime it was said that life is what you make of it. You can decide which way you want to see it. I try to see it with beauty and humor and know that my husband would be proud of not just me but the great kids he left with me.'

amen!

Yes, that is the attitude I have been striving for. I'm not there every day yet but I am trying.