Please help me! I have been married to a woman for 32 years. She is a nice person and is considerate of others. We have 4 children. One is married, one will be graduating from college this year and will probably marry next year. Mt oldest has learning disabilities connected with a birth problem but the worst is my youngest. He is 19 and has CP. She is a very good mother and takes wonderful care of him. We live more like good friends -- not husband and wife. About a year ago, I met someone while out of town on business. It was quite by accident. One thing led to another and I find myself in love with this woman. Part of me hates to hurt my wife. Again, she is a good person. I am not and have not been in love with her for a long time. Am I a bad man for wanting to leave? Please help me.
Well, this just happened to me. All the kids are grown and I was looking foward to reconnecting with my husband after all the struggles of raising the kids. But instead of him reconnecting with me he was connecting with a woman at his work. The devistation on your wife,kids, friends and your dreams of retirement will all come crashing down. Everything you worked so hard for all these years will be thrown away and in 6 months to a year you won't be in love with the person you meet by accident. Your kids will lose all respect for you and you will never regain. What about honesty and integrity? Is it love or is it your will, ego, selfishness? I say go to your wife and love her,let that be your will. Love is a choise. The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Stop thinking of yourself and put your family before yourself.
No, you're not a bad person. You have just been unhappy for a long time. It's time for you to move on and be happy for a change. You can't stay in the account of others, per say, your wife and be mesirable. You've found another who makes you happy. Life is short and I know you've put all the years in this marriage. I've been married for 25 yrs. and in the process of divorce. My husband found a younger, prettier woman. At first, I was devastated, but I've learned to accept it. I can't hold on to him when he no longer loves me and want to be w/ me. It hurts, but you have to move on. Move forward 'coz happiness and love is waiting out there for you. Don't ever feel bad and don't ever think you're a bad person. Be happy and Take-care.
Well, you have gotten two distinctly different opinions and none of us can really say what is best for you. Remember that each choice has tradeoffs: leave you wife and go with the new woman but remember that you are in the "honeymoon" stage of this relationship and you don't really know what she is like on a day to day basis and how much of your infatuation can last through real life. Also, you just may lose the respect of your children, like one poster said. Your wife may respond with bitterness that is unexpected. You will also have less money into retirement. Or stay with your wife and always wonder if it could have been better, but you can make it better with her if you tried hard enough. I actually think you owe it to her and to yourself and your children to really work at making the marriage work. And feeling the high from new love will cloud your judgement so you do have to pick one or the other right now. I don't envy your choices.
I've been told it takes three things to make a good marriage, passion, friendship and commitment. You're in a tough situation, Sounds like you have two out of three going for you in your marriage. I've also been told that it's common for the new relationship to fizzle. It may be a catalyst for change but may not last. Bottom line, do not let the new relationship cloud your judgement. I've been there. It may be more about where you're at (starved for love) than this specific new woman. That said, if you can't get the love back and act like husband and wife, it may be best to split. You're not doing your wife any favors by sticking around solely out of obligation. There will be a high price, and at least some of your grown kids will likely lose respect for you. Mine did, and one is no longer talking to me. I consider it his problem to get over though. I can't tell you what to do, I can just share my experience in a similar situation.
I am recently divorced after 35 years.... -- I had suspected my husband of cheating for a while, but thought I could live with that to save the marriage. But then he opted for her to be with him when he was in a medical emergency; I don't think I was even thought of ---- I could NOT live with that.........hence, the divorce. (She is younger, but not prettier, IMO)
It has not been easy, and I still have nerves and anxieties.....occasionally, I feel like I am expecting the idiot to come home.............but I will get over all that. I am stronger, more independent, in control of myself and my own money, and I am HAPPIER!!
Divorce after 50 can be a good thing......always will be sad, but I am going to be fine.
Sometimes something new looks better to you simply because something old isn't making you happy anymore, but that does not mean that the something old, meaning your wife of 32 years can't make you happy. Remember when you first married her, what was it that attracted you to her? You thought she was special back then, why not now? If there is something lacking in your marriage, whether it be more sex, perhaps more cuddling, perhaps maybe going out with your wife to do more things on the weekends, like learning to date your wife again as if you were younger and courting her. I would try these things first. Make sure your wife knows what makes you happy. You don't give up a marriage of 32 years without trying to make it work first. What is it that this new lady has to offer you, what do you find so appealing about her? Perhaps you could find the same things appealing about your loving wife.
Divorce is very difficult to go through I have done it twice and don't ever want to do it again. This second time was the most difficult for me, I lost my job soon afterwards, soon after buying a condo, life has just been one struggle after the next. I had a good life with my ex husband, he made a good living so I was comfortable, we had a house together, nice vacations, we got along like you do with your wife, we were also more like good friends.
It sounds to me like this other woman is giving you more attention and perhaps that is why you are even considering leaving your wife, but it also sounds like your wife has made alot of sacrifices in the marriage to take care of the children and especially the one with special needs, she sounds like a wonderful person. Perhaps she just needs more time alone with you, some more fun in her life. I think you two should try and rekindly the romance, perhaps take her out to dinner, or out dancing on the weekends, get someone to care for your child during those times. You own to yourself and your wife to try and make the marriage work. If I had it to do over again, I would not have gotten divorced, my ex hubby is also a good man, he treated me well.
Remember that each choice has tradeoffs. Well said, Janke.
And we cannot predict the future, either.
One thing you cannot truly predict is your own feelings of guilt should you leave your wife and your children with medical problems who need you. That guilt may so overwhelm you that it destroys your new relationship.
Be very careful with this decision, because in trying to pursue happiness, you could end up hurting both women very much. Take plenty of time to think about this.
It sounds to me like this is a situation where some very good marriage counseling would greatly benefit both you and your wife. It appears that you both may be suffering from what could be called "caregiver burnout". The fact that you still refer to her as a "nice person who is considerate of others" and a "good person" speaks volumes for her character. There must have been something other than your children that kept you together for 32 years. The goal of therapy would be to try and find that certain "something" and then to try and reignite it. There must have been an initial spark there somewhere. You said that you are no longer "in love" with her but love can diminish overtime if it is not nurtured and tended to. I would have to say all the caregiving the two of you have been doing probably put your relationship last. I would not run off with that new flame you met on the business trip without first seeking counseling with your wife. This is too important a decision to mess up 32 years of marriage just because you may be feeling neglected. I think you owe it to your wife to be at least as considerate of her as she has been to you. If the roles were reversed how would you feel about her doing to you what you are proposing to do to her? Think about it!
I think that a married man's girlfriend is kind of like this:
You know how, when there are children of divorced parents, the parent that they live with is the "bad parent", the one who makes them do their homework and clean their rooms and do chores, etc. The parent that they visit on weekends or in the summer is the "vacation parent" - the one who lets them stay up and eat only fast food, and gives them presents.
The girlfriend is the "vacation parent". However, when you find yourself with that girl full time, she will stop being the "vacation parent" and things will look very different.
No one is prepared to feel the guilt they will feel if they leave their spouse, it is quite hard to deal with. See about marriage counseling first or tell the wife your needs, rekindle the romance you once had.
