groups

Welcome to our dysfunctional little family. Well, on here, we are not dysfunctional, but because f the chemicals that our children have used to ruin their lives we are.

Yes, all the stories are the same.

I also do like twelve step groups, but have found much comfort in family groups held my rehab facilities and hospitals. I like having a professional to talk to, as well.

Things get quiet for a while, thank goodness, then flare up again. We all learn to go on with our own lives or perish under the drugs or alcohol. I, for one, refuse to let that happen to me.

Welcome. I'm glad you were able to join. This group has done wonders--just know that at any time day or night I could post on here and know that someone would completely understand what I was going through and not try to give me some lame advice has been wonderful.

Thank you so much. I really think I need to be able to talk to others who are in the same boat I have been sailing in for the last 10 years. It will be good to vent. And cry, and hope and pray.
Thanks again.

I don't know where everyone else is tonight. Usually they all flock to a post. We all have that need to keep talking ourselves into things, lol.

You'll be fine. Life really does move forward and people really do have fun and laugh even when their children are addicts. Really.

Crest, thanks for taking the lead here. I had shoulder surgery and typing is a real struggle for another few weeks. This is the one-hand version, and it's awful slow.

Elcag, welcome. Sounds like you're doing as well as you can do, and that's all any of us can do. I'll keep a good thought for you, and know that even if I'm not typing, I'm reading. Rumor has it I'll be back to normal (ha!) by New Year's, but I should be able to write before then, I hope.

s

Elcag,
Welcome to the group. Each story here could basically be interchanged to fit any of us who are dealing with an adult child who is an addict. I found lots of support and empathy in this group, and I believe you will, too.

Please feel free to post anytime, and contact me through private message if you like.

Hugs and Prayers,

Jan

Thank you all for responding. There are days that I just bawl, as I am sure you all do too.
It will really be nice to jump on the computer and let it all out.
Thanks again.

Welcome.....when I joined this group I was ready to join my son in his many suicide attempts. I felt such despair. I have a wonderful husband, three wonderful daughters, and I count David's ex as an adopted daughter....four gorgeous grandbabies and another one on the way.....and I finally asked myself this question.....why am I willing to throw all of these great gifts away because David (age 28) has decided to live his life dodging the law, the creditors and avoiding taking any responsibility for his son??? If he doesn't care, why should I?? He has repeatedly told me that I am not his mother. He wants his 'old' mom back....the crazy one who gave him money, time, effort, etc.....now, there are conditions on my having a relationship with him. He must get counselling, take meds for his bipolar depression, support his son, and treat his family with respect. So, if I'm a rotten Mom...oh well. All I know is that I am no longer desperate, I don't worry about what he is doing, how his health is or anything else. When I think of him, I pray for him, and leave him at the feet of my God.

I have not found Alanon to be helpful. I tried several meetings and several groups but it seemed so depressing....this group has really helped me!!!

We will be here any time you need us....I am so sorry that your son relapsed!!! It just seems to go on and on...

Dear Elcag,

I will jump on the band wagon and welcome you to our group too. This group has become family to me. I can pour my heart out here and I know members will read and respond and identify with everything I have suffered and feel.

I live in NYC. You would think that there would be plenty of resources available to me here; and, I am sure there are. But I am 66 and have neuropathy in my feet and hands due to chemo. I had breast cancer three years ago. So, the nerves in my feet are extremely sensitive which makes even standing, painful.

My significant other is a wonderful man but he never delves into things the way I do. I always try to find answers, Why? When? How? So, I cannot even speak to him. He says I dig too much, feel too much, think too much. I was feeling very much alone. I had no sounding board. No feed back. No connection to others and was feeling pretty much alone. My family live 2000 miles away but to relay this story by phone to people who do not have this problem was unsatisfactory. Even my sister told me "you are weak" in regard to my adult children problems. Maybe, I was. It made me feel it was all even more my fault, until I joined this group.

One day, it struck me that perhaps there was an on-line group that I could lock into. A group where I could get on line, any time of day or night [I have been on here at 3: A.M. sometimes when I could not sleep] due to worry .... to pour out my heart to folks who are or have been in my position. I wanted folks who knew what I was feeling. The anguish, the fear, the dread, the shame. I felt so much shame. I felt I had created all the problems my son had. Yes, I was a strict Mom. I did smack em here and there, I did make them clean up. And for all this, I have been told that I was a bad mother, I robbed my children of self esteem, I was told. My son has been a heroin addict for 20 years +.

I gave them so much. I only just wanted back the basics. Have a life, get a job, take care of your son. Pay your rent. Live right. Stay on track. I would help, if they needed but I found myself always helping.

I have three adult children. Andrew is the first and he is a user. The second is also a son [not a user] but co-dependent as far as money goes; one daughter [also always needing financial assistance]. Wore me out. Depleted my bank account. I am to blame for that. I let it happen. They did say thank you but shortly reverted back expecting me to bail them out just one more time, the next time.

I have a prescription plan where after a certain amount, I fall into a gap. Where medicare insurance does not pay. Then I have to pay out of pocket. The cancer medicine is about $345 per month. I was having a hard time paying that. That is when i realized that I was helping them so much. I was not taking care of myself. I tried to help and help all three of them. Like I said they did thank me but they were never deeply grateful and because they were not I began to resent them. Rarely did any one of them say, " Mom, do you need anything"? I was fending for myself.

As you can see, I am still hurt, resentful to some extent but I have stopped funding them. Well, my second son [42] just moved back in. But, I offer no money. I just could not let him be on the streets of NYC. He works and gives me money for food, rent or whatever when he finds work. He is gracious and tries to be helpful.

Not funding was hard for me. And hard for them too. They had to get used to me saying NO. As a result the oldest has not spoken to me since June 6th of this year. I refused his last request. He begged and I still said NO! So, he has dropped me from his life, [for now I hope]. I have written him emails, and not one answer back. Is he punishing me? I am sure he feels I hurt him, betrayed him and my saying NO in his time of need -------- keeps proving to him that I am an unfit mother, a bad parent to him. He is 44.

I found in my readings, in this group, in therapy that I had many issues myself to clean up. I was their stomping ground. I had to distance myself emotionally from my kids problems to be able to clear my head, feel my feelings, write my feelings. In therapy I was asked "what do you feel"? I could not say. I could only say what my kids were feeling.

I joined this group just in time. Therapy is only once a week. Here I can go on any time. It has been a life saver. I see I am not alone. Unfortunately, there are so many of us all over the states, well, all over the world. I am very grateful for this group. I welcome you and hope that it provides relief to your wounded soul and Spirit. My best, Hope

It's amazing how helpful this group is. And it is "on call" 24/7.

So many of us relate to the shame and the accusations of 'weakness' but the truth is, until you have been where we have, no one can know what lengths we would go to to 'save' our children. And how very difficult it is to let go. Thankfully, this group gets it. And no one pushes you to be anywhere but where you are in your own recovery.

Learning that I needed to recover as much as my son does was a blessing for me. Learning to take care of myself and not just give until there is nothing left has been very hard. I am doing much better now, but it's the times that things just jump up and smack you in the face....the moments when you miss the relationships you had with the kids before all the drugs came in....those are the moments when we need each other the most.

Most of my friends and family are sick of hearing about David and his latest problems....even though he is not using heroin, he is taking Suboxone and it is addicting as well, he behaves as if he is still an addict....living in a dark house, never going outside, not showering or shaving, not working...so, to be able to come here and rant and rave and know that all of us 'get it' helps keep me on the path of recovery.