I'm in the last week of the first year since Ann passed away. I can't believe the journey I've been on. I've learned a lot about myself in the last 51 weeks, and I've learned a few things about other people as well.
Today, as I sit here, I can remember Ann's last weeks and days, vividly. She went to the hospital in October and to Hospice a week or so later. I remember deciding to contact Hospice several days before I took Ann to the hospital. My email to Hospice went like this -- my wife is dying of cancer and is getting worse every day, I take care of her full time but I don't know if I am doing the right thing by keeping her at home. I can't bring myself to call you, could you please let me know what I should do?
Their response was simply a telephone number and a request to call them. I didn't.
A few days later Ann insisted that I take her to the hospital, we both knew it would be for the last time, although neither of us mentioned that fact.
Hospice came to see me after I asked the doctor to contact them for me -- I just couldn't bring myself to do that! A couple days later Ann was in Hospice. I remember her, awake, alert, talking, laughing, carrying on like a person who was going home soon. She got worse, and passed away a few weeks later - she was at Hospice a long, long time it seemed.
I miss her a lot. When she passed away we, the family, were all with her. I am grateful for that. I know she was at peace and comfortable. We cried. Then we went home and my days without Ann began.
The past 51 weeks have been the only weeks of my 54 years that I've lived alone, a fear that I've had all my life, one that I never expected, one that was never planned. I don't like being alone, I didn't ask to be alone, I don't want to be alone.
For the past 51 weeks this Group has been my companion, my advisor, my keel to keep me on course. Thanks for all you've done. I cannot express my gratitude more deeply, nor be more confident in one thing -- without this Group, I am sure I would not have made it here.
Yesterday I was hurting a lot, today I'm doing better. I had lunch with my daughter and we walked down memory lane a little, that sure felt good. We both got teary eyed a few times but we had a great little lunch (I see her a lot, this isn't anything unusual, except for the conversation about her mother that we had today).
Healing is so personal, what it means, how it takes hold, everything about it is personal. I've heard it said in this group a number of times, although a little differently than this, but the pain of grief can be comforting, the lack of the pain of grief can be scary. I don't want to be devoid of the pain, but I don't want it to control my life. It doesn't, but there are times I think it has the edge!
Today I can say that I understand my lot in life, I can accept it, although I don't like it I can still make do.
I just wanted to let everyone know how these particular posts have brought me back around. For the last three weeks, I have been very down. I am not sure if it was the weather (24 straight days of rain), or whether the getting up at 3:30 a.m. to be at work at 5:00 a.m. at my new job, or just the time of the year made me be so down. I have come here to read all this time but not posting until now. I just wanted to thank all of you for each of the posts of understanding and encouragement for "Old Mike" these posts have also helped me to feel better also. It is also nice to know that "Old Mike" is feeling better also. I hope your flu is better as well.
Mike, glad that you are feeling better today. I just read what you said about the pain of grief being comforting. Lately, I keep hearing some old Simon & Garfunkel song in my head. "Hello, darkness my old friend I've come to talk with you again'. That is how I see it now. There will be many dark days and I will revisit the pain. There will also be times that comfort me without the sadness. Like watching the Yankees beat the Phillies tonight wearing his shirt and feeling him near. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe there can be a balance between the two. Joyce
authsandi -- I'm with you on the therapeutic effect of reading posts, but for me writing posts is just as helpful. Sometimes I go overboard and get kind of wordy, if I couldn't do that here, where can I? I'm sorry you've been having such a low time lately - you sure have identified some definite stressors -- time of year, 24 days of rain, getting up at 3:30 to get a new job by 5:00, that could make anyone feel down! I hope you find your way to clearer days (not talking weather here) and peaceful nights, what you have of them! Take care.
So many good folks here, and Mike I agree with each one of them in thier thoughts. it has only been a year for you, yet look what you have given to others, despite you loss and pain. I do feel and always felt that we recieve so much strength just in knowing we're not alone and helping others, whether it's a recent loss or one of many years.
As the anniversary time draws near, or a Holday it does hit hard - and when the Holiday is one to be joyous, how can you really feel as that when you feel the Loss/aloneness. It is easier for me this year, but i do remember the painful 1st, 2nd year - In stating easy - I mean that I can control my empty feelings better. I don't enjoy being alone as well - it's an empty feeling.I always enjoyed marriage, helping my spouse - being there through thick or thin - but when the aloneness hits you it's horrible and not easy to adjust. Of course I still have my ups and downs, especially in dealing with my daughters nearing tranplant - I need his strength. At times the past few months I felt like "cracking up", but I need to hold it together. I worry about her now that she is having chemo and dialysis since they are trying to rid her body of antibodies so she doesn't reject my sisters kidney. This was a new dilemma when some labs came back from Boston Organ Bank testing. My sis is still her donor on Nov 23 - the last 2 chemos are tomorrow and next week - then other treatment's prior to the transplant called plasma phareseis. I try to keep positive for her wellbeing, she relies on me as I relied on Tim.
Mike - Ann is with you always - as well as the Love you have for each other Remember that Love is Eternal.
Mike I feel I get too wordy too, but with each sentence I write another thought comes to me. This was my first group on Eons and also helped me so very much through my grief, if I hadn't found it I don't think I would have recovered as I did, I was at a very Low point once. I will always return to this group and in some way to help another person. Have a good night Wishing you all a Light heart Chris
As someone else in this string of replies said, it helps me to read all the thoughts and kind words. They reverberate in my soul and help me through the rough times. Bill passed 5 months ago and I am truly alone for the first time in my life. Don't really like it, but in my case it was expected -- at 72, Bill was older than both his parents, his brother and his sister by 10 years or more, Expecting it doesn't really help, though. Thank you to all who are posting thoughts and pats, this group is a lifeline for asure! {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you Mike, maybe you will find, as so many others have, that the days leading up to it are worse than the anniversary day itself.
Don't y'all worry about being wordy. I'm another one who gets lots of help from reading the posts. I don't have the time or money for therapy and I can't tolerate medication well so these posts keep me on track. I read of our experiences and know that as difficult as this is, I can get through it.
Mike, I've just be re reading some posts and though your sentence......
"The pain of grief can be comforting, the lack of the pain of grief can be scary."
....is spot on. It is so true. I'm thinking of you as you approach your first year anniversary which I think is the 11th November (forgive me if I've got the dated wrong), just remember your own sentence above and "float through the day as best you can". Jeanette xx
The date is November 9th -- this next Monday. I might have the family over for dinner on Sunday, but I so far have no plans for Monday. I was thinking of staying home since that's what Ann and I liked to do so often.
