I'm in the last week of the first year since Ann passed away. I can't believe the journey I've been on. I've learned a lot about myself in the last 51 weeks, and I've learned a few things about other people as well.
Today, as I sit here, I can remember Ann's last weeks and days, vividly. She went to the hospital in October and to Hospice a week or so later. I remember deciding to contact Hospice several days before I took Ann to the hospital. My email to Hospice went like this -- my wife is dying of cancer and is getting worse every day, I take care of her full time but I don't know if I am doing the right thing by keeping her at home. I can't bring myself to call you, could you please let me know what I should do?
Their response was simply a telephone number and a request to call them. I didn't.
A few days later Ann insisted that I take her to the hospital, we both knew it would be for the last time, although neither of us mentioned that fact.
Hospice came to see me after I asked the doctor to contact them for me -- I just couldn't bring myself to do that! A couple days later Ann was in Hospice. I remember her, awake, alert, talking, laughing, carrying on like a person who was going home soon. She got worse, and passed away a few weeks later - she was at Hospice a long, long time it seemed.
I miss her a lot. When she passed away we, the family, were all with her. I am grateful for that. I know she was at peace and comfortable. We cried. Then we went home and my days without Ann began.
The past 51 weeks have been the only weeks of my 54 years that I've lived alone, a fear that I've had all my life, one that I never expected, one that was never planned. I don't like being alone, I didn't ask to be alone, I don't want to be alone.
For the past 51 weeks this Group has been my companion, my advisor, my keel to keep me on course. Thanks for all you've done. I cannot express my gratitude more deeply, nor be more confident in one thing -- without this Group, I am sure I would not have made it here.
Mike, whatever you think this group has done for you, you leave out the part of what you have done (even before you became a moderator) for this group. You never know when you post on this board who is sitting alone and lost in the pain and thinks that they can't go on. Then they see something that saves them for another day. You posted often and had topics that we all understood. The 1 year anniversary is hard and as you remember your beloved Ann please come here anytime and tell us how you feel because we feel like we know her to. Joyce
I agree with Joyce, Mike. Since we are fairly close in this journey you have helped me immensely. It's hard to feel that we can comfort from afar but we try. I know it's been a long hard year for you but I see the progress you have made and you will certainly continue to move forward because you are strong. Hey, you made it through your daughter's wedding and I don't think I could have done that.
I have lived alone before but it did not prepare me for this. It's not the living alone that's hard, it's living without Ken as I am sure for you it is living without Ann. We are here for you buddy, hang in there. Deb
I feel for you Mike. It is 11 months for me today at 730 am. The one year mark might be the hardest one of all. I cannot believe it gets harder in year two. I have been thinking of what I will put in the local paper as a memorial for my wife and where i will be at that awful time when my wife passed away. I have decided to be in the hospital chapel on Dec 2 and after saying some prayers will have to go to work. Take care Mike Michael
Mike I am like you. In my 64 years I have never been alone. It is a hard new world. As time goes by things do get easier. Over the last year I have seen the progress you have made and all the help that you given our members. I bet Ann is very proud of you. I don't know how it is going to be fore you, but the days leading up to Bob's 1st anniversary were harder then the day itself. At first I wanted to run away, but that wouldn't solve my problem, so I spent the day thinking about the good times that Bob and I had with our Son and neighbors. Let us know how this next week is going for you. Hugs......Sue
Mike, I've lived alone before. This time it isn't any fun. I don't want to be alone, either. I don't want to not have David with me.
I, too, have learned a lot about myself in these past 19 months. And, I've learned that this group has been my greatest solace. You are certainly a big part of the comfort and understanding I receive here.
Thank you for sharing yourself so freely. Ann has to be very proud of you!
Mike, you have been such a cheerleader for alot of us and an imaginary shouldar to lean on..What I did that week before the anniversery was I left town and spent it with my husbands sister and his twin aunts who are a hoot, it kept me from remembering so much of the week before his passing..For some reason that is very identifiable you remember exactly what happened that day for that whole week..I did come back the day before the DAY as I had all these plans of what I was going to do at the cemetery, I was going to pour my tears and heart out over his grave, put the rememberances there and let the baloons go with the message attached to them...I did put the rememberances on his grave and let the baloons go, but was not able to spend anytime there, he and I had been there been there many times and since his passing many times, and NEVER was it over ran with moesquitos like it was that day, our middle son went with me and he had bought a perenial lilly and was trying to plant it, I'm batting at moesquitos and he's trying to and plant at the same time, he even got bit on his eyelid, we both ran for the car and jumped in we had to roll windows down after we left to get the moesquitos out of the car, so we were not able to spend the dday there as we planned and I kind of wonder if Jay hadn't made those arrangements..Oh well I hope that you find what ever works for you and Ann gives you a wink to soothe you, but I am finding that it is worse now than before..I had to get a kidney stone removed Fri. and it makes you feel even more alone, I didn't know it was happening that day and it was "you need to have someone here"..I said no I'm ok I can do this, they said "no you can't drive for 24 hrs because of anesthesia". So I'm on the phone trying to make arrangements for someone to bring me home from the hospital..His one sister did, but it just re-enforces how alone you are...Anyways God Bless Dawn
Hope this doesn't sound like a pity party, but I really dread the holidays coming up - I know Todd was gone last year at this time, but coming up seems harder somehow, like I have wakened from a bad dream and find it is real. No just being alone, but alone even when with many others. Thank you Mike and others for what you have shared in this group - I came here soon after Todd died - in many ways this was the place where I could vent and keep my sanity.
I appreciate everyone's responses and support more than I can express in words. You have all become my friends and have supported me through the toughest time of my life.
This week has brought back the bittersweet emotions, the reality of Ann's passing, and the fears of going on alone. This Group has given me the strength and the will and the wisdom to relish the emotions, to face the reality, and to cope with the fear.
Today I woke up with a bit of the flu. My biggest fear is that this will make it difficult for me to dwell on the past as much as I want to.
Ann and I used to meet on a grassy hill half-way between our houses when were 17 years old. We'd sit on the hill, arms around each other, silent, just enjoying being together. Oh, how I miss those times.
Well, we basically are one big pity party but in a good way. I feel all of your pain and that somehow helps me. Sounds crazy but it's true. I have real compassion for you all. Going through these milestones with those of you who are a little ahead of me is kind of a rehearsal for what I will be going through. I hope will make it easier when I get htere than if I were without you guys.
Mike, you will make it through this in your own way and it will be one more step forward in the healing process. Hugs, Deb
I have been alone for just under two months. I was alone for 7 years before as an adult and I built a new life and had an idea that I would marry again. I was looking for my "soulmate".
Many of us found our "soulmate" and the loss leaves us knowing in our hearts that there will never be that kind of relationship again. I mourn the loss of my husband but I also mourn the loss of the close relationship - and Mike, you are mourning on many levels.
You are an inspiration to the group...thank you for all you do for us while you are also on your own journey.
